The CALM Break

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If you’re a fan of the Pause Break, you are going to love the new and improved tool I’m teaching in today’s episode. And if you’re new here, the CALM Break is going to change the way you show up as a parent!

For a little background, the Pause Break is a tool that I’ve taught for years. It’s a step-by-step process for what to do when you find yourself overwhelmed, yelling at your kid, or just not showing up as the parent you want to be. It walks you through how (and why) to delay consequences and reset your nervous system. 

Through the process of writing my book, I’ve been reflecting on the tools and strategies I teach and making a few upgrades. The CALM Break is the new Pause Break. Today, I’m breaking down what it is and how you can use it to show up as a calm mama.

Why Aren’t You Calm?

We all feel overwhelmed and dysregulated at times, especially when it comes to parenting. Understanding what’s going on can help you to be more compassionate with yourself and feel less out of control.

Your nervous system has two parts: the sympathetic and the parasympathetic. 

The parasympathetic nervous system is the calm part. It's what we think of as “rest and digest”. It's a state of equilibrium and balance. For the most part, you should be living your life in the parasympathetic nervous system. These are the times when things are relatively easy, you know what to be doing, the demands on you are manageable, and you're able to keep up.

When things become stressful - there is too much demand on you and you feel overwhelmed - your nervous system says, “Uh-oh, we can’t handle this,” and it decides that you need a bunch more stress hormones (e.g. adrenaline, cortisol, epinephrine) in order to deal with what’s in front of you. 

This triggers your sympathetic nervous system. That's the fight, flight, freeze, faint, fawn response. Basically, you either become activated or you shut down. 

At certain times in your life, this stress response can be really helpful and useful. But we’re not supposed to stay in an activated state all the time. The stressors in our lives aren't supposed to outpace our ability to manage those stressors.

But kids (even if you only have one) create a lot of extra stress. You're constantly worried and looking out for their safety. You're constantly trying to problem solve. They’re melting down because their nervous system is immature and misfiring all the time. 

And then you add the everyday life demands of time, money, work, relationship drama, physical fatigue, and it can feel so overwhelming. 

A lot of the time, you can handle things as they come up. Somebody spills their juice, you clean it up, you move on. Give yourself a little credit here for not being a raging lunatic all the time! 

But there are also moments when your stress response takes over. Your brain tells you this is an emergency, your stress response activates, and it takes you out of your logical, thinking response. 

This is when you need to use the CALM Break to get your parasympathetic nervous system back online to manage the stress juice and get you back to a more balanced state. 

The CALM Break

Listen, if you have kids under 10, it’s probably cuckoo pants all the time in your house. Under age 5, forget it. You've got kids climbing and jumping and throwing and spitting and punching and hitting. And you're gonna feel like you're going bananas (and you kind of are). Your nervous system is not ready for those demands. It’s not built to be. 

CALM is an acronym that helps you remember the steps to follow when you notice that you are overwhelmed, triggered, or dysregulated. 

CALM stands for:

Catch yourself
Align
Label
Move

Step 1: Catch Yourself & Pause

This step is about building awareness of how you’re feeling and when you are dysregulated. You can also think of the “C” as checking in with yourself. 

This can be as simple as noticing and saying to yourself, “Oh, I’m very overwhelmed right now.” When you interrupt your stress response, you are retraining your nervous system to respond differently to those circumstances.

Step 2: Align

Align refers to getting your nervous system back online with your values and your goals of becoming a calm parent. First, delay. Don’t do any parenting in this moment while you’re activated.

Communicate to your kids that you're not in alignment. Say something like, “You know what? I'm getting upset right now. I love you, and I don’t want to yell at you. I'm going to take a CALM break.” Or, “I'm sorry, this is not how I want to act. I will talk to you about this in a few minutes after a take a break.”

When you tell your children what is happening in real time, they will feel less afraid. They will feel less activated. Plus, as you start to get calm, they might start to calm down, too.

Step 3: Label Your Thoughts & Feelings

Narrate for yourself what you're thinking and what's going on and name those feelings. I want you to do this with kindness and self-compassion. There’s no need for negative self-talk or criticism. Being hard on yourself will only activate more stress.

Some common default thoughts include, “My kid never listens,” “My kid is so entitled,” and “They should know better.” These thoughts often lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, or discouragement.  

This is the piece where you get to really connect with your own heart and your own overwhelm and your own nervous system and give yourself some love. Once you label what you’re thinking and feeling, tell yourself, “Yes, this is hard, but I can get through it.”

Step 4: Move

I think of this as “move your body, move your mind.” 

Moving your body is the best way to move stress juice through and regulate your nervous system. There are lots of great examples for this in the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet.

Then, you can move your mind by working with your mindset. That means that you can shift the way you’re thinking and feeling so you get into a better state of mind. We're not bypassing or ignoring our feelings here. Instead, you’ll acknowledge them and then ask yourself:

• How do I want to feel? 
• What thoughts will get me there? 
• How can I move this moment forward with some positive energy?

The fun thing is, you can get better at moving your mind and coaching yourself when things are rough. You get better at normalizing the stage of life that you’re in and telling yourself a better story about it. 

Here are some thoughts you can borrow when you need them:

• This is normal. This is one of my favorites!
• This is temporary.
• This is not an emergency. I have plenty of time.
• Kids are going to act out.
• This isn't a big problem.
• This is overwhelming, but I can handle it.
• I wasn't expecting this, but I can take care of it.

This is how you label what’s true and move your mind to a more balanced state.

When you are working the whole Connected Parenting Process, you will feel much calmer and your nervous system won't activate as much. When you feel confident that you can deal with misbehavior, you won't find it so overwhelming. 

You’ll Learn:

• Why you feel so stressed out as a parent
• The 4 steps of the CALM Break
• How (and when) to use a CALM Break to stop yelling and feel less overwhelmed
• Some of my favorite thoughts for a more positive mindset

Resources:

• Get the free Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet
• Free Guide: 20 Ways to Reset Your Stress Response
• Episode 2: Getting to Calm with the Pause Break
• Episode 8: Pause & Reset Your Body
• Episode 9: Pause & Reset Your Emotions
• Episode 10: Pause & Reset Your Mind