When Kids Lie: Parenting Tools to Stay Calm & Connected

Darlynn: [00:00] Welcome back to Become a Calm Mama. I'm your host, Darlynn Childress. I'm a life and parenting coach, and today we're getting at a topic that I hear about constantly from parents. We're going to talk about lying. Is lying normal, what does it mean, and most importantly, what do we actually do about it?

Darlynn: [00:10] Before I dive in to this topic, I wanted to do a quick recap from an episode I did a few weeks back called The Three Essential Beliefs Kids Need, because it sets the stage perfectly for everything that we're going to cover today. The essential beliefs that we want our children to take into adulthood are I am safe, I am good enough, and I am capable. If you have not listened to that episode, go back after this. It's season two, episode 15.

Darlynn: [00:40] Here is the short version. Every child comes into the world preset to believe these three things are true. They want to believe I am safe, they want to believe I am lovable, and they want to believe I am capable. The problem happens when they start getting different messages from their environment, from you, from the adults around them, from teachers, and from experiences that they don't really ever understand. They start to internalize these messages: I'm not safe, the world's not safe, I'm not lovable, I'm not capable.

Darlynn: [01:19] Those earliest years, zero to five, and actually all of childhood, set the groundwork for your child's subconscious beliefs about themselves and the world. Those beliefs keep getting reinforced all the way through childhood. Your kids are constantly absorbing messages about who they are, whether the world is safe, whether they're lovable, and whether they're capable.

Darlynn: [01:40] Now, here's why this matters today: lying is almost always connected to one of those three core beliefs. When a child lies, they are usually trying to protect their sense of safety. If you don't love them, if you don't believe them, if you don't like them, then you're not going to take care of them, and they're not going to be safe. When your child lies, they're protecting their sense of being good enough so that you stay in relationship with them, or they're protecting their sense of being capable. So hold on to that as we go through this, because it's going to be a framework for a lot of what you're seeing when you see lying at home.

Darlynn: [02:19] Okay, so is lying normal? The short answer is yes. Lying is completely normal behavior. It's something we see particularly with kids under 6 because they have a big imagination. They're really able to imagine that they didn't take the cookie, that they didn't hit their sister, that they didn't do the thing that you're asking them if they did.

Darlynn: [02:39] I want to say that again. Is it normal for children to lie? Yes. It's not something that we're going to celebrate, and it's not something we're going to ignore, but it is normal.

Darlynn: [02:49] It does not mean your child is broken. It doesn't mean that you failed as a parent. It doesn't mean that your kid's going to grow up and be someone who doesn't have ethics or morality. It just means that your child is trying to figure out how to navigate through the world when they make mistakes, or when they want something, don't have permission to have it, take it anyway, and then get caught.

Darlynn: [03:18] There are a bunch of reasons why kids lie. When you understand the reasons, it will become so much easier for you to respond without blowing up at them, shutting down, pushing them away, avoiding them, being really angry, or criticizing. So let me go through some of these reasons. Kids lie for a bunch of really predictable reasons.

Darlynn: [03:38] Of course, they lie to avoid trouble. If they did something that they should not have done and they don't want to face the consequence, they're going to lie. They're just like, no, I didn't do it, what are you talking about? They don't really want to have the consequence of the behavior.

Darlynn: [03:58] They also lie to protect themselves, emotionally or physically. Like I said, they want to make sure that you love them, that you think they're good, that you think they're a good kid. They don't know: Am I still going to be loved and taken care of? Am I going to be thought of as a good person if I did this bad thing and I get caught for it?

Darlynn: [04:18] In their mind, they're lying to protect you from thinking they're a bad kid, and they're lying to protect themselves from thinking they're a bad kid.

Darlynn: [04:37] Of course, they also lie to get something they want or avoid something that they don't want. They lie to be seen. They lie to feel important and to feel like they matter. They lie to avoid embarrassment.

Darlynn: [04:47] Sometimes little kids have fantastical imaginations and they'll say something like, oh, the teacher gave us a bike. They gave everyone a bike at school. We all biked to the park and then we came back. And you're like, what? No, that did not happen.

Darlynn: [04:57] If you are seeing your kid lie about something really fantastical, just imagine that they're being silly, that they're wishing that happened. That's very normal. But if they're lying to avoid trouble, that's about safety. They don't feel safe enough to tell the truth.

Darlynn: [05:17] If they're lying to be seen, that is about worthiness. They're not sure that they are enough just as they are. If they're lying to hide a mistake, that's about their capability. They want to show that they're capable and that they don't make mistakes. They're scared that if you find out that they lied or did something bad or weren't good enough, you'll confirm what they already fear: that they're not good enough and that they can't do anything right.

Darlynn: [05:47] So when your child lies to you, instead of going straight to anger or punishment, I want you to get curious. Ask yourself, what belief are they trying to protect right now? Are they trying to protect the I am safe belief, so they're lying to make sure that they stay safe? Are they lying to protect the I'm lovable belief, so they can avoid being thought of as not lovable? Are they lying to protect the I am capable belief, because if you found out that they made a mistake or that they didn't do something, you'd think they're not capable?

Darlynn: [06:28] Here's a quote I want you to write down. Your child is lying not because they are a bad kid. They are lying because they do not yet feel safe enough to tell the truth. That is the reframe, and that's the starting point. They are lying because they don't feel safe enough to tell the truth.

Darlynn: [06:49] So let's talk about part two. How do we actually coach our kids through lying? Knowing why they do it is one thing, and knowing what to do in the moment is another.

Darlynn: [06:59] The first thing I want you to hear is this: you cannot coach a dysregulated child, and you cannot coach from a dysregulated place. If you are activated, if you are angry, if you are already in the story that your kid is a liar and you cannot trust them, you're not going to be able to have the conversation that needs to happen. You can't coach your child until you've connected with them, and you cannot connect with them until you are calm. Calm, connect, coach. Those are the steps that we want to take.

Darlynn: [07:38] Before you do anything else, you need to regulate. That means taking a breath and pausing before you respond. It might mean going and doing a calm break. It might even mean saying out loud, I need a minute, and walking away. You are modeling what it looks like to manage big feelings, and you're also giving yourself the space to show up the way you actually want to as a parent.

Darlynn: [07:58] Now, once you're both regulated, the goal is connection before correction. This is important because if your child does not feel safe and connected to you, then they're not going to listen to you. They're not going to hear the words that you say. We need to teach our kids how the world works, how to tell the truth, and that they're safe when they tell the truth. You can only do that when your child feels seen and safe and heard.

Darlynn: [08:28] If you try to go into a coaching conversation and everyone's not regulated, it's going to be really tricky. Remember, if your child does not feel safe and connected to you, they're not going to hear what you're saying. They're going to shut down, they're going to get defensive, and they're going to double down on that lie. So we have to practice that connection.

Darlynn: [08:48] What does it look like? It looks like using the connection tool. It looks like getting on their level with a soft voice and saying, hey, hey, it's okay to make mistakes in this family. I know you might be feeling nervous about telling me the truth, but I promise everything's going to be okay.

Darlynn: [09:07] Or if you see them doing the off-track behavior, instead of saying, hey, did you take that cookie, even though you know they did, ask yourself why you're asking that question. Why are you trying to trap them in the lie? Just say, hey, I saw you take that cookie, I wonder if you're excited to eat all those sweets. Or, I noticed you took three donuts from the donut wall at the party, I wonder if you were feeling really excited to eat all those sweets. And then you validate.

Darlynn: [09:36] When we talk about the connection tool, it really is narrating what you saw, the behavior, naming the feeling, and then validating that feeling. When you validate, you're not agreeing with their behavior. You're not saying it's fine that they stole cookies. Validation is saying, I get it, I understand that your feeling was true. You felt excited, you felt nervous, you felt happy, or you felt annoyed that I said no, so you took it anyway.

Darlynn: [10:07] It makes sense that you would feel annoyed. It makes sense that you would feel excited to eat snacks. It makes sense that you would feel overwhelmed. We want to validate the feeling, not the behavior.

Darlynn: [10:17] Connection is not a reward for good behavior. It's not like you only connect with your kid when they're doing good. Connection is the condition under which good behavior becomes possible. The more that you validate your kids and help them understand why they're behaving the way they're behaving, why they're lying, why they're hitting, why they're sneaking, or whatever naughty behavior they're doing, you will help them learn that they have big feelings and that they don't know what to do with them. And you're going to teach them new skills.

Darlynn: [10:57] Timing is really important here. If you just saw your kid steal something or lie about it and everyone's still heated, that's not the time to do the coaching conversation. You are going to have a conversation about connection, seeing their behavior and the feelings that drove that behavior. But it's not a time to teach, because everyone needs to be calm. Kids can't access the thinking part of their brain when they're in a stress response, when they're worried they're going to get in trouble, when they're fearful, or when they're overwhelmed.

Darlynn: [11:26] The coaching conversation has a rhythm to it, and it has a framework that I use and have been teaching over the last few weeks. It has three steps: reflect, teach, and practice. Whenever you have a behavior or a skill gap, or your kid's behavior is outside your value system, or you want to teach them how they should act instead, you're going to do a coaching conversation. You're going to go through these parts of reflect, teach, and practice.

Darlynn: [12:07] I've done a few episodes on how to teach self-control, how to teach responsibility, how to get out of negative self-talk, and how to teach mindset. This one is about lying, but you're going to do the same process of reflect, teach, and practice.

Darlynn: [12:26] Reflecting is where you are not interrogating them. You're helping them understand what happened and why it happened. You are helping narrate what is going on, why it doesn't work, and what they should do instead. This step is really important because it builds self-awareness. Kids who can reflect on their behavior are kids who eventually change their behavior.

Darlynn: [12:47] So let's talk about lying. Here's a little script you can use. You can say, hey, it's normal for kids to not always tell the truth, especially if you're worried that I will be mad at you or that I'll think you're a bad kid. It makes sense that you would want to keep yourself out of trouble by not telling the truth. You reflect on their behavior and you really normalize it.

Darlynn: [13:17] Then you can ask them a question. Are you worried that if you tell the truth to me that I'll be mad at you or that you'll get in trouble?

Darlynn: [13:27] You can do this with really little kids, two or three years old. Just say, did you tell me that because you were worried that you're going to get in trouble? They may answer, they may not at that younger age. But by four or five, they can definitely start having this conversation. You can say to them, hey, I see that you said you didn't take the cookie, but I saw you take the cookie. Were you worried that you were going to get in trouble?

Darlynn: [13:56] You reflect on the behavior and what happened. Then you teach. Once you've reflected, this is where you name the value. You explain why honesty matters in language that they can understand. It's not a lecture and not a big list of reasons why lying is bad, just a clear explanation.

Darlynn: [14:16] You can just say, in our family, we tell the truth even when it's hard. That's how we build trust with each other, and trust is what makes our family feel safe. You just lay it out. In this family, we are honest. In this family, we tell the truth because it makes us feel safer, and that's why we do it.

Darlynn: [14:36] You're connecting the behavior to something bigger than just a rule that says don't lie. You're saying why. We don't lie because we want to be in relationships with people who are honest. It does make us feel safer, and it does make it more comfortable when we can trust the people around us.

Darlynn: [14:46] Then add, remember, your behavior is not who you are. I love you no matter what. You're going to make a lot of mistakes when you're a kid, and my job is to help you learn from your mistakes. But I can't do that if you don't tell me the truth. If you don't tell me about your mistakes, I can't help you.

Darlynn: [15:06] Even if you make a big, big, big, big mistake, I will always love you. I will always help you. And then you can ask, do you think you could practice telling me the truth, even when you mess up, even when you're worried? Try to get some buy-in from them.

Darlynn: [15:16] Step three is practice. This is one of the steps that parents skip, and it's honestly really important to actually role-play or rehearse a little bit how you want your kids to respond when they are wanting to lie. So you say, okay, let's try this. Pretend I ask you what happened, and this time you tell me the truth.

Darlynn: [15:45] So what would you say if I said, did you take that pizza? Did you steal my iPad? Did you unlock my phone? Did you scroll through all my photos? Did you read my texts?

Darlynn: [15:55] I want you to try not to ask those questions in real life, but let's just pretend when we're practicing with our kids that we ask them those direct questions. You say, so I ask you, did you do it? What could you say instead of no? Could you say, yes, I did?

Darlynn: [16:06] Now, it might feel silly to do this with your kids, but this is important because they build an experience where they tell you the truth and they don't get shamed. They practice telling the truth in a low-stakes, safe environment, and they're literally building that neural pathway for doing it in real life.

Darlynn: [16:35] So you say to your kid, imagine you took a snack or the toy or an iPad without permission. And I say, I see you took that without permission. You know you can only have that when you have permission first. Do you understand the rule? Do you understand that you're not supposed to take it without me saying yes?

Darlynn: [16:55] Then you say, okay, what are you going to say? And you teach them to say, yes, Mommy. And then if I were to ask you, did you take it, did you sneak it, did you steal it, did you hurt your sibling, did you grab it, what should you say? You say, yes, I did that. Sorry, I really wanted it and I didn't control myself.

Darlynn: [17:26] That's all you have to do. You just say, yes, I did it. Sorry, I really wanted it and I didn't have control, or I was really angry and I snuck it. So you give your kids the words to say when they make the mistake.

Darlynn: [17:35] You're actually giving them the language of yes, I did that. Yes, I took it. Yes, I hit her. Yes, I stole that. Yes, I snuck that.

Darlynn: [17:55] I'm sorry I did it. I did it because I did not know what to do instead. I did it because I felt overwhelmed. I did it because I was mad and I didn't control myself.

Darlynn: [18:05] Reflect, teach, practice. Write that down. That's your framework for the next time your kid lies to you. You're going to reflect on what happened, really normalize and validate, and give them that feeling that their behavior makes sense. You're going to teach them why the thing doesn't work, and then you're going to practice what you want them to do instead.

Darlynn: [18:25] I've noticed this a lot with parents: they tell their kid what not to do, but they don't necessarily tell their kid what to do instead. That practice piece is important because that's when you teach the tools and the skills that they need to do the thing instead. Yes, I did it, Mommy. Yes, I took it. Yes, I hurt her.

Darlynn: [18:44] Yes, I stole it. Yes, I snuck it. If you want to add teaching them to say, I'm sorry I did that because I did not have self-control, that's really helpful too. It helps them understand why they did the thing that they did.

Darlynn: [19:04] I want to address something that comes up a lot, and that's the parent who really feels that if they don't react strongly to their kid's behavior, if they don't yell at them for it, their kid is going to think that there are no consequences.

Darlynn: [19:24] I teach consequences. I firmly believe that a kid can't learn how to live in the world unless they experience the mistakes, fix those mistakes, and experience the impacts of their mistakes. So you can absolutely have a consequence for off-track behavior. Consequences and connection are not mutually exclusive.

Darlynn: [19:53] It's not like, oh, if I'm kind and validate and have compassion, then I can't have a consequence. Or a consequence would be mean because they obviously couldn't control themselves. Okay, true, they couldn't control themselves, but how do they learn to control themselves? One way is by awareness, for sure. The other is really about teaching them, hey, in the outside world, if you do this behavior, this thing happens to you.

Darlynn: [20:13] It's not about shaming or disconnecting. That's not a good consequence. A calm consequence is a logical one. Like, you can use my iPad as long as you're not sneaking it. I don't want to worry about that, so I'm going to put it away for a week, and you're not going to be able to use it.

Darlynn: [20:32] Or, I'm only going to serve sweets when I don't have to worry that you're going to sneak them, so you're not able to have any sweets today. You get to have consequences for the sneaky behavior, for the behavior itself, but I don't necessarily want you to consequence lying unless it becomes a huge pattern in your family.

Darlynn: [20:52] So try not to yell, and try not to give all that emotion. Being as logical as possible will help your child learn that when their behavior is off track, it has consequences. They need to learn self-control, they need to learn to be responsible, and they need to learn to control their bodies. That's really important.

Darlynn: [21:12] So how do we encourage the truth? How do we create an environment where your kid feels safe enough to come to you with the truth, even when it's hard? Even if they know that we aren't going to be happy with what they did, we want them to feel safe enough to come and tell us.

Darlynn: [21:32] The first thing I want you to know is that it's important for you to make it safe to tell the truth. It sounds obvious, but it's worth saying. If your child experiences that telling the truth leads to a big reaction and a punishment and a lecture and a lot of shame, they're going to keep lying because lying feels safer. So you have to build a track record of responding calmly. When they do tell you the hard thing, when they fess up about something, you don't have to be happy about it, but you do have to stay regulated, because safety comes from being calm.

Darlynn: [22:11] Which is what this podcast is all about, right? Think about the people in your life that you feel the most comfortable being honest with. Why do you feel safe to tell those people the truth? Why does it feel safe to be vulnerable with certain people?

Darlynn: [22:31] It's probably because they don't overreact, because they validate you and normalize it. They say, yeah, of course you acted that way, that makes sense, or that fear you have is valid. They don't make you feel stupid or ashamed. They don't condemn you. If they did, you wouldn't tell them the truth.

Darlynn: [22:50] When someone cares more about you than about being right, that makes you feel safe. That's what you're building with your kids every single time you respond to a kid who lies, who makes a mistake, who steals a cookie, who steals the iPad, who makes a big mess, who hurts their sibling, who lies about their homework, or who does something wrong at school. Every time that you respond with curiosity instead of anger, you're making a deposit into that trust account.

Darlynn: [23:20] The second thing I want you to practice is separating the behavior from the person. When a kid tells a lie, we want to address the behavior without making them feel like they are a bad person. That's really easy to do on accident, by telling kids something like, because you lied, that's not what a good person does. I want you to say that lying is something that people do sometimes to protect themselves. When they don't tell the truth, that is not because they're a bad person, it's because they are nervous about telling the truth.

Darlynn: [24:00] We don't want to say that you're a liar, because that attacks their identity, their personality, and their character. You want to address the fact that they lied, so address the behavior. You lied versus you're a liar. Your child will shut down if you tell them they're a liar.

Darlynn: [24:19] That goes to a core belief about themselves. You don't want them to grow up thinking they're a bad person, because then why be good? We want them instead to know that they make mistakes, and that's okay, and that's normal.

Darlynn: [24:39] When you say things like, you're being so irresponsible, or you always do this, or I cannot believe you lied to me again, you're not commenting on the behavior, you're shaping that belief. You're reinforcing the idea that they're not good enough, that they're not lovable, that they're not capable. Those are the messages that stick. Those are the core beliefs that are being formed. So really separating your kid's behavior from their personality and their character is really important.

Darlynn: [25:10] Another thing I want you to do is just practice those dialogues, those scripts. If you catch a lie, say to them, hey, I noticed that what you said doesn't quite match what I know. So I'm not going to get upset. I just want to hear what actually happened. You point out that there's a discrepancy and basically say, try again.

Darlynn: [25:30] What you're saying doesn't match what I'm seeing. What you're saying doesn't match what I know. So let's try again. Tell me what really happened. I'm not going to get upset.

Darlynn: [25:39] Now, don't say you're not going to get in trouble. Say, I'm not going to get upset, because they may have a consequence. But you want to be able to say, I'm not going to get angry. That's actually what they're worried about, your anger more than the consequence.

Darlynn: [26:00] If you notice that they're scared to say something, you can say, I know it's hard to tell the truth. I want you to know that I'm not going to get mad when you tell me the truth. You might have a consequence for what happened, but I'm always going to love you and I'm always going to be happy that you told me the truth.

Darlynn: [26:10] So you're really saying those things, encouraging them to tell you the truth and to feel safe, and being honest with them that there could be a consequence. But you're making a promise to them that you are going to stay calm no matter what happens.

Darlynn: [26:40] Now, of course it feels like it should be very obvious, but modeling honesty in your own life is really important. If you tell your kids to lie to the teacher about why you're late, it's going to be embedded in them that it's okay to lie. If they catch you lying to the bank or a friend or whatever it is, and you're lying a lot, your child will probably feel like it's normal to lie. So model honesty as much as you can, even in the case of people-pleasing. If you're lying to make someone else happy, it may still be modeling to them that it's okay to not always tell the truth.

Darlynn: [27:29] Owning your own mistakes is also really important. Doing repair when you make a mistake will help your child feel safer when they make a mistake. You go back and you say, hey, I really didn't have a lot of control, I yelled, I got upset, I slammed the book down, or I drove really fast. Whatever your behavior is, being honest about it, saying sorry, and being real with them shows them that truth-telling is something that you value in yourself, not just in them.

Darlynn: [27:49] The last thing I want you to understand is that this is a skill that will take a long time. You're not going to fix lying in one conversation. Right now, what you're building is the trust in your relationship where your child feels safe to be honest with you. That's the work, and it's worth it.

Darlynn: [28:09] Having raised teenagers, I am so glad that we created a family where kids could be honest and make mistakes, and that they did not get shamed for making mistakes when they were little. My boys made a lot of mistakes as teens, and there were a lot of conversations that were really challenging for us. It was only because we had this culture of honesty and safety that it was possible for our kids to be okay with telling us those really hard things as teenagers and young adults.

Darlynn: [28:38] Let's just recap real quick. When you catch a lie, get curious before you get angry. Ask yourself what belief they're trying to protect. That question will change everything about how you respond.

Darlynn: [28:58] Remember, you can't coach a dysregulated child and you can't coach from a dysregulated place. So get calm first, connect second, then coach. You build honesty not through punishment, but through creating a relationship where the truth feels safer than the lie. That's a long game.

Darlynn: [29:08] If today's episode resonated with you, please share it with another parent who needs to hear it. Leave a review if you have a minute. It genuinely helps this podcast reach more families when you share and review.

Darlynn: [29:28] If you want to go deeper on any of these topics, I have resources linked in the show notes. You can find me on social media, and I would love to hear how what we talked about today landed with you. Thanks for listening, and I will see you next week.