When Kids Lie | Parenting Tools to Stay Calm & Connected

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Today I'm getting into a topic that I hear about constantly from parents - lying. Is lying normal? What does it mean? And most importantly, what do we actually do about it?

Before we dive in, I want to review the 3 things that kids need to believe about themselves in order to be confident and emotionally healthy.

The 3 beliefs are:

1. I am safe
2. I am lovable
3. I am capable

And here’s the interesting part - Lying is almost always connected to one of these 3 core beliefs.

Is Lying Normal?

The short answer is YES. Lying is completely normal behavior. But that doesn't mean that it's something we're going to celebrate or ignore. 

Here are some other things I want you to know about lying.

Lying does not mean that...

Your child is "broken" 
You've failed as a parent
They're going to grow up without any morals or ethics

Lying simply means that your kid is trying to figure out how to navigate through a world where they sometimes make mistakes or take something without permission or any other number of difficult situations.

It's particularly common with kids under 6 because they have such big imaginations. Little kids are really able to imagine that they actually didn't take that cookie or hit their sister. They might also lie about really silly, fantastical things. Things that they're wishing happened. 

Why Do Kids Lie?

There are a bunch of reasons that kids lie. When you understand why it's happening, it becomes much easier for you to respond in a calm way - without getting really angry, blowing up, shutting them down, or criticizing.

In most cases, when your child lies, they are protecting their sense of being safe, lovable, or capable. 

Reason #1: To feel safe.

If your kid lies to avoid trouble, it means that they don't feel safe enough to tell the truth. They're trying to protect themselves, physically or emotionally. They might be trying to avoid consequences or embarrassment.

Reason #2: To feel lovable. 

If a child lies to be seen, to feel important and like they matter, it's about worthiness. They're not sure that they are enough just as they are. 

Basically, they're lying to protect themself and you from thinking that they're a bad kid. 

They want to be seen as a good person. They're worried that they won't still be loved or taken care of if they’re “bad”. They want to make sure that you love them and that you think they're a good kid. 

Reason #3: To feel capable. 

When kids lie to hide a mistake, it's about capability. They want to show that they're capable and that they don't make mistakes. They're scared that you'll see what they already fear - that they're not good enough and that they can't do anything right.

When your child lies to you, instead of going straight to anger or punishment, I want you to get curious. 

Ask yourself... 

• What belief are they trying to protect right now? 
• Are they trying to protect the "I am safe" belief? 
• Are they lying to protect the "I'm lovable" belief? 
• Are they lying to protect the "I am capable" belief? 

That question will change everything to how you respond.

Here is the big reframe: Your child is lying not because they are a bad kid. They are lying because they do not yet feel safe enough to tell the truth.

What To Do When Your Kid Lies

As parents, we need to teach our kids how the world works, how to tell the truth, and that they're safe when they tell the truth.

The first thing I want you to understand is that you cannot coach a dysregulated child, and you cannot coach from a dysregulated place. You can't coach your child until you've connected with them. And you cannot connect with them until you are calm. 

Calm >> Connect >> Coach

Start by regulating yourself. Pause before you respond. Take a CALM break. 

Your kid also needs to be calm before you try to teach or coach them. Kids can't access the thinking part of their brain when they're in a stress response - when they're worried they're going to get in trouble, when they're fearful or overwhelmed.

Next, connect before you correct. If your child does not feel safe and connected to you, they're not going to listen to you. They're not going to hear the words that you say.

As you use the Connection Tool, get down on their level and speak to them in a soft voice. Say something like, "Hey, hey, it's okay to make mistakes in this family. I know you might be feeling nervous about telling me the truth, but I promise everything's going to be okay."

Sometimes, you might even see them doing the misbehavior. In this situation, you're not trying to trap them in a lie. But it does give you an opportunity to get curious and connect. 

For example, "I saw you take that cookie. I wonder if you're excited to eat all those sweets?" Let them respond... "I get it, It makes sense that you would be excited to eat tasty snacks.”

Only after you've done these first two things should you go into a coaching conversation, following the 3 steps of reflect, teach, and practice.

Reflect: Narrate what you saw. Normalize the behavior (this is not the same as approving of it). 

Here's a script to try: "It's normal for kids to not always tell the truth, especially if you're worried that I will be mad at you or that I'll think you're a bad kid. It makes sense that you would want to keep yourself out of trouble by not telling the truth."

Then, ask them a question: "Are you worried that if you tell the truth to me that I'll be mad at you or that you'll get in trouble?"

Teach: Name the value and explain why honesty matters in the language that they can understand. This is not a lecture. You're not listing all the reasons lying is bad. Keep it short and simple. 

For example: "In our family, we tell the truth even when it's hard. That's how we build trust with each other. And trust is what makes our family feel safe." 

"Remember, your behavior is not who you are. I love you no matter what. You're going to make a lot of mistakes when you're a kid. My job is to help you learn from your mistakes, but I can't do that if you don't tell me the truth. If you don't tell me about your mistakes, I can't help you. Even if you make a big, big, big, big mistake. I will always love you. I will always help you."

"Do you think you could practice telling me the truth? Even when you mess up, even when you're worried?"

Practice: This is one of the steps that parents often skip, but it's really important to actually role play or rehearse a little bit with your kid. They need language to use when they make a mistake.

It's super common for parents to tell their kid what NOT to do. But they don't necessarily tell their kid what to do instead. That's where the practice piece comes in

Through practice, your child gets to practice telling the truth in a low stakes situation. They're building an experience where they tell you the truth and they don't get shamed, and it literally builds a neural pathway for doing it in real life. 

Try this: "Okay, let's practice this. Imagine that you took the iPad without permission. Here's how our conversation might go…”

Parent: I see that you have the iPad. You know, you can only have that when you have permission first. Do you understand the rule?
Child: (Let them answer). Yes, I know the rule.
Parent: Did you take it? Did you sneak it? (Ask them what they should say)

You can give them some words to use if they're struggling:

Yes, I took the iPad.
I'm sorry, I really wanted it, and I didn't control myself.

Lying & Consequences

Some parents that I talk to feel that if they don't react strongly to misbehavior, then their kid will think that there are no consequences.

I believe in consequences. I firmly believe that a kid can't learn how to live in the world unless they experience mistakes, fix those mistakes, and experience the impacts of their mistakes.

I also know that yelling, harshness, and consequences are not all the same thing. You can be kind and compassionate, validate your kid's feelings, AND have a consequence. 

Consequences aren't about shame and disconnection. They are about teaching. A calm consequence is a logical one. For example, "You can use my iPad as long as you're not sneaking it. I don't want to worry about that, so I'm going to put it away for a week."

You might notice that the consequence is related to the behavior, not the lying. I don't necessarily want you to consequence lying unless it becomes a huge pattern in your family.

How To Encourage the Truth

So how do we encourage the truth? How do we create an environment where your kid feels safe enough to come to you with the truth, even when it's hard?

Make it safe to tell the truth. You have to build a track record of responding calmly. Because if your child experiences that telling the truth leads to a big reaction and a punishment and a lecture and a lot of shame, they're going to keep lying because it feels safer. When they fess up about something, you don't have to be happy about it, but you do have to stay regulated. 

Think about the people in your life that you feel the most comfortable being honest with. Why do you feel safe to be vulnerable and tell the truth with certain people? It might be because they don't overreact. They validate you, They don't make you feel stupid or ashamed or condemn you.

When someone cares more about you than about being right, that makes you feel safe.  That's what you're building every single time you respond to a kid who lies or makes a mistake. Every time that you respond with curiosity instead of anger, you're making a deposit into that trust account.

Separate the behavior from the person. When a kid tells a lie, we want to address the behavior without making them feel like they are a bad person. This is something that's really easy to do accidentally. 

It's the difference between “You lied” and “You're a liar”.

Calling someone a liar attacks their identity, personality, and character. It reinforces the fears that they are not good enough, they're not lovable, they're not capable. 

Instead, I want you to say that lying is something that people do sometimes to protect themselves. And when they don't tell the truth, that is not because they're a bad person. It's because they are nervous about telling the truth. 

Practice what you'll say. If you catch a lie, think about how you want to respond in advance. This might sound like, "I noticed that what you said doesn't quite match what I know. So I'm not going to get upset. I just want to hear what actually happened."

Avoid saying, "You're not going to get in trouble," because there might be a consequence for the behavior. But you can commit to not being angry or upset with them. 

Model honesty in your own life. This might seem obvious, but if you want to encourage your kids to be honest, you have to be truthful, too. If your child sees you lying, they'll probably think it's normal and acceptable to lie. 

Owning your mistakes and doing repair when you mess up helps your child feel safer when they make a mistake. 

Be patient. This is a skill that will take a long time. You're not going to fix lying in one conversation. You're building that trust in your relationship where your child feels safe to be honest with you. That's the work and it's worth it.

I can tell you from experience - My boys made a lot of mistakes as teens. There were a lot of conversations that were really challenging for us. And it was only because we had this culture of honesty and safety that it made it possible for our kids to be okay with telling us those really hard things as young adults and as teenagers.

Honesty is not built through punishment but through creating a relationship where the truth feels safer than the lie.

You'll Learn:

• Why kids lie (and yes, it's totally normal)
• What to do when your kid lies (with lots of scripts and examples)
• How to combine compassion and consequences
• 5 ways to encourage honesty in your family

Previous Episodes: 

• Episode 2.15: 3 Essential Beliefs Kids for Emotional Health
• Episode 2.16: The Connection Tool
• Episode 2.20: Preventing Meltdowns | Teaching Kids Self Control Long-Term (How to have a coaching conversation)