Preventing Meltdowns in the Long Term

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Understanding how to deal with a meltdown (aka Big Feeling Cycle) in the moment is a really valuable skill, but it doesn't end there. Ultimately, we want to use connected parenting and coaching conversations to prevent meltdowns in the long term. 

Kids aren't born knowing about time, money, manners, or managing their emotions. Over the course of parenting and raising them, you're teaching them how the world works, how feelings work, how their bodies work, how time works, how money works. This is parenting. And our goal is to do it in a thoughtful, respectful way.

Using coaching conversations in parenting teaches your child how to align their behavior with your family's values and manage the way they think, feel, and act. You help them understand how mindset works, and you teach them new skills to help them cope with big feelings.

What is a Coaching Conversation?

Basically, a coaching conversation is a teaching conversation that coaches your kids toward new skills, new values, and new concepts for understanding how things work in the world.

One way to think of it is that a coaching conversation replaces a lecture. It's more collaborative. You're not talking at them, you're talking with them. 

To be clear, you are still the leader of your family. You still get to set the boundaries and expectations. We're not outsourcing that leadership to the child. 

In a traditional parenting model, the parent might respond to misbehavior by saying, "Hey, listen kid, that doesn't work. You've got to cut it out or else there's gonna be a consequence." Or they might moralize or lecture, going on and on about all the reasons that that behavior is bad and what it means.

I'm sure you've responded this way yourself at times. The truth is that this is how many of us were raised. This is the only model we've had to follow. Today, I want to show you a different way.

Preventing Meltdowns in the Long Term

If your child is having a lot of meltdowns, it is likely that they are lacking the SKILL of self-regulation, the skill of coping with negative emotion. 

How much better does it feel to know that the problem isn't that something is wrong with your kid - they're simply lacking a skill that you can help them learn and practice?

In order to create long-term emotional health, we need to teach our kids the coping strategies that they need to regulate their nervous system and calm themselves down. 

That's where coaching conversations come in. 

How To Have a Coaching Conversation

There are 3 parts to any coaching or teaching conversation:

1. Reflect on the behavior
2. Teach a new skill, tool, or coping strategy
3. Practice what to do instead

Before we dive in, remember that in order for these conversations to work, you must be as calm and neutral as possible. If you need to take a CALM break or wait until another time for the conversation, do that.

Step 1: Reflect on the behavior. Use the Connection Tool to validate your child's emotions while also talking about the impact of their behavior. Help them to understand that the way they are processing their feelings is causing problems for others.

As you make guesses about how your child might be feeling, phrase it as a question. This makes it more of a conversation.

You can also explain to them different ways that big feelings show up for people. Some people want to run away and hide. Some people want to fight. Which way do they feel?

I love using the image of feelings as a big wave that gets bigger and bigger until it crashes. Or like a race car with no brakes. This can put it into terms that your child can visualize and understand.

Step 2: Teach a new skill. This is where you set the boundary and talk about what is okay and what you expect. And show them a better way to cope. 

Let your child know that big feelings are normal, but how they are handling those big feelings isn't safe. So you have to come up with new ways for them to manage their big feelings.

You want to really slow down the conversation in this stage. Ask lots of questions and try to get a little buy-in.

Then, teach them a new skill. The skill I want you to teach your kids in order to prevent meltdowns is (can you guess?) the CALM Break. Yep, the same tool that you use to regulate yourself.

As a reminder, the CALM Break is:

Catch yourself.
Ask for help.
Label your feelings.
Move your body. 

Step 3: Practice the new skill. Practice the CALM Break together. Ask your child to imagine a scenario where they have a big feeling in their body. You can even use an example of something that actually happened. Then, go through the steps of a CALM Break together. 

These conversations proactively teach your kid how to regulate their nervous system. 

Here's an example of what a coaching conversation looks like in real life.

Let's say that your child is having big feelings and hits their sibling...

Reflect

Hey, sometimes when you're upset and you don't talk about it, your feelings will build inside of you like a huge wave that washes over you. And it might make you say or do things that you don't want to do, like hit your brother. 

Think about the ocean or think about a big wave and it's just going to build, build, build, build, build, build, build, and then crash. Have you ever felt that way before where you have a big feeling in your body, and all of a sudden you're hitting?

This happens, especially when you're young. You're not sure how to handle those big feelings. That's okay.

Teach

In this family, it's my job to keep everyone safe. So when someone fights their feelings by hitting, the other people in our house don't feel safe. 

I understand that your body is out of control when you're upset. But from now on, I'm going to make sure everyone and everything is safe in our house. When it comes to big feelings, it's your job to figure out how to deal with your feelings without hurting others.

Do you think it's good for Mommy to keep everyone safe? Do you feel sometimes it's not safe when you hit your brother or sister or Mommy yells at you? It's kinda hard when someone keeps hitting other people in the family, right? That doesn't feel good, does it?

The next time you feel mad and want to hit, I want you to take a CALM Break. Here's how we do it...

(Walk them through the steps of the CALM Break)

Practice

Let's practice taking a CALM Break together. 

Let's think about the time that I gave your brother his ice cream first, and you felt jealous and mad, and you wanted to hit him. 

What do we do first? What does the letter C stand for? Right, catch yourself. Notice that you are having big feelings or showing your feelings through your body. 

Then, what's A? Ask for help. All you have to say is, "Mommy, I need help."

Next, L - label your feeling. Say "I'm mad." Some other feelings you might notice are sad, disappointed, or overwhelmed.

Last, for M, we're going to figure out what to DO with your mad feelings. What are some ideas? If you want to hit, maybe you can hit a pillow, or push against the wall, or clap your hands really loud.

(As you practice, actually do the movements together.)

A Few Things to Remember

The first time you have this conversation, you're introducing the concept of feelings drive behavior. You're introducing the concept that when we have big feelings, we can't just do whatever we want to do, especially if it hurts others. Instead, we have to find new ways to cope with our big feelings.

Your kid won't catch every part of this the first time around. You'll need to have this conversation multiple times. 

This is not foolproof. We're all human, and our feelings will sometimes get the best of us. The way you teach true emotional health and regulation is over time. They'll need to learn and practice it over and over again. 

Teach the process in advance, when they're calm, so that you can then call on it when big feelings come up, saying, "Oh, remember - CALM Break." "Remember that you can ask for help." "Oh, remember to tell me what you're feeling." "Remember, you're supposed to be moving your body."

If your kid is resistant to this conversation, it can mean 1 of 2 things:

One is that they don't feel seen or validated enough. In this case, go back to the Connection Tool. Talk about why they're behaving the way they're behaving, what their feelings are and how feelings come out, and that feelings are okay and feelings make sense.

The other reason is that they might be stuck in fear that you'll be mad at them. Or maybe they are embarrassed and uncomfortable. You can gauge how much to push in those moments. If you want to, you can revisit the conversation at a different time.

If the resistance continues, say, "I know you don't want to have this conversation, but we are going to have it. You're not in trouble, but it is my job to teach you some new things. And so I want you to sit and we're going to talk about this." 

My hope for you and for your family is that you take the time to have these coaching conversations and teach your child why they're misbehaving, that their feelings make sense, letting them know why that behavior doesn't work, and then helping them learn how to do a new skill.

The really amazing thing is that as you teach this, you'll get better at it yourself. And the more time you spend investing in your own self-regulation, the better you'll be at teaching it to your kid. 

You're a great teacher, Mama. You were put here for your child. You're meant to be their parent. You can do this. 

You’ll Learn:

• The skill your kid might be lacking if they’re having a lot of meltdowns
• What a coaching conversation is and why to have them
• The 3 steps of a coaching conversation

Related Episodes:

• Episode 2.12: The CALM Break
• Episode 2.16: The Connection Tool
• Episode 2.19: How To Help Your Kid Calm Down