Darlynn: 00:02 — Welcome back to Become a Calm Mama. I'm your host, Darlynn Childress, and I'm a life and parenting coach. Today I want to talk about dinner and about making meals in general more peaceful, so that you can have your kids come to the table, stay on their bottom, eat what you put in front of them, say thank you at the end, and take their plate to the counter — and dinner doesn't have to be so dramatic.
Darlynn: 00:32 — That's my hope for you, because I know all of you want that when it comes to dinner. You want peace and ease and connection instead of chaos and shenanigans and complaining and griping. This is the episode for you if you want to create a new routine around dinner so that you get that peace, that connection, and that ease.
Darlynn: 00:52 — This episode is part of the practical series I've been doing over the last couple of weeks, where I've talked about mornings, bedtime, homework routines, screen routines, and chores — really building this family routine into your day so that your life moves with ease. Meals are another one of those friction points. I was telling a client about this series, and she said, "Oh, you're doing all the pain points of a family." That's exactly right.
Darlynn: 01:21 — I'm giving you language and strategies to set boundaries and create routines around these friction points in your family, so that you don't have so much frustration. That's the hardest part of being a parent — constantly fighting or arguing with your kids. So if you're having trouble with other parts of your family routine — mornings are hard, screen time is hard, bedtime is hard — go back and listen to a couple of those other episodes, and you'll find that I'm teaching that Limit Setting Formula over and over again in these various scenarios.
Darlynn: 02:01 — For today, I want to show you how to apply the Limit Setting Formula to your dinner routine, to your meals, to your pattern with your family. What I want you to have is a peaceful family dinner where everyone is sitting down, kids eat what's offered, and you don't spend the meal being annoyed or yelling at your kids. So I'm going to teach you how to create that routine using the Limit Setting Formula.
Darlynn: 02:21 — Here's how the episode is going to go. First, I'm going to talk about the common mistakes parents make around mealtimes, and how to avoid them. Then I'm going to talk about picky eating in general, and what your responsibility is when it comes to feeding your kids, and what your kids' responsibility is as well — we're going to divide that responsibility, help you understand what you need to do, and then let your kids figure out their responsibility when it comes to eating.
Darlynn: 03:01 — I'm going to teach you how to use the Limit Setting Formula to set up your mealtimes, and then we're going to talk about specific behaviors. I'll give you very specific scripts and strategies for handling sibling squabbles, kids getting up and down, complaining about the food, bringing toys to the table, and other behaviors like that, so you have specific scripts and strategies in mind — so that when you encounter those behaviors, you know exactly what to say and how to handle it.
Darlynn: 03:20 — I love making this podcast practical and useful, and giving you scripts so that you feel empowered and know what you're supposed to say in these moments. I'm not just doing tips — I'm giving you actual scripts in this episode. I think it's going to be really useful for you.
Darlynn: 03:40 — Let's start first with common mistakes or pitfalls that parents make. One is really practical, but it's something parents do a lot: giving a big snack too close to dinner. If your kid has crackers, a juice box, and a cheese stick 45 minutes before dinner, they may not actually be hungry when you serve them dinner.
Darlynn: 03:59 — Really think about the pacing — allow probably 90 minutes between snack and dinner, so that your kids are genuinely hungry for that meal. Hunger is a great motivator to sit at a table. It's a great motivator to overcome your frustration or disgust about something and eat it anyway, because you're actually hungry.
Darlynn: 04:19 — Giving your kids some time before meals will make it more likely that they'll eat that meal. A lot of times we give our kids a snack, then serve them dinner, and they don't want it or they complain about it — and we think of them as defiant or as picky eaters, when really it's just a scheduling issue more than anything else.
Darlynn: 04:49 — Another pitfall parents make often is expecting their kids to sit too long at dinner. You're probably wondering, okay, what is the right expectation? As an adult, I make dinner for my family, and we're all adults now, so when we sit down at the dinner table, it takes about 20 to 30 minutes to eat.
Darlynn: 05:09 — It really doesn't take that long to eat the food. If we have company, or we get into a good conversation, maybe we linger over the meal a little longer, closer to 30 to 40 minutes — but that's adults, having quality conversation. With little kids, kids under 8, you can expect maybe about 8 minutes that they'll sit at the table.
Darlynn: 05:39 — If they're a slow eater, or a talker, or they don't mind sitting still, you may get more time. But if you have an active kid under 8 who's really busy and always wants to play or move their body, shooting for 8 to 10 minutes is probably about right. You can even teach your kids that they have to sit at the table for 8 minutes, even if they're done eating, and that they can't be excused until they've sat there for those 8 minutes.
Darlynn: 06:09 — Just a little preview — that limit would be something like, "You're welcome to be excused and go play with toys as long as you've sat here for 8 minutes, until the timer goes off." Kids over 8 can probably stay at the table 15 to 20 minutes. They're chewing a little more slowly, eating a bit more, and consuming more calories at each meal, so it may take them longer.
Darlynn: 06:28 — They might want to talk a little, especially if you've trained them early on to sit on their bottom and stay at the table — then you might get some quality time. Teenagers are really tricky. They often don't want to sit with us at all, and we have to set very strong boundaries around dinner and getting them to sit with us at the table.
Darlynn: 06:49 — Teenagers tend to eat a big meal right after school — basically a very late lunch — so by the time dinner rolls around, they're not really ready for another meal. But you can still expect them to sit with you.
Darlynn: 07:09 — Another pitfall a lot of parents make is making a separate meal for their kids — chicken nuggets for the kids while you eat spaghetti and meatballs, or serving a pizza bagel, or making mac and cheese. I understand the desire to get your kids their calories and nutrients and make it easy, but in general, that means you've become a short-order cook. You're basically running a restaurant — asking everybody what they want, making a bunch of separate meals. That's pretty stressful, and it doesn't give your child the opportunity to learn how to sit and be a little uncomfortable, try new foods, and be part of the community — all the things we get from eating together.
Darlynn: 07:48 — Giving your child their preferred food all the time creates less emotional resilience. It gives them less opportunity to grow in their ability to handle frustration, and there's probably less nutritional value in some of the alternative foods you're giving your kids instead of the whole, unprocessed food you're cooking for everyone else.
Darlynn: 08:08 — Another mistake parents make is bribing or coaxing your kid to eat something — "just try one more bite," or "this is so good, you'll love it." That turns the table into a negotiation, a transaction where you're figuring out the magic number of bites they have to eat. It doesn't help your child learn to listen to their own intuition about whether their body is hungry and how hungry it is, and it goes against the picky-eating Division of Responsibility that I'm going to teach you today.
Darlynn: 08:38 — Another thing that makes dinner unpleasant for you and your kids is nagging about manners — telling them to use their silverware, get their elbows off the table, chew with their mouth closed. Nagging about manners while you're sitting at the table makes it pretty unpleasant, and it's not very motivating for your kid to keep sitting there. They're going to try to shove the food in so they can be excused and get out from under your microscope.
Darlynn: 09:08 — Of course you have to teach your kids manners, but manners are taught through routines, limits, and boundaries, because your kids need to build those skills. Manners aren't intuitive — they're something we model, practice, and reinforce over and over. In this episode, I'm going to teach you how to teach manners using the Limit Setting Formula.
Darlynn: 09:27 — But you're not going to pick all the manners at once — you're going to pick one behavior at a time so your kids can learn that one manner, and then add in another. It takes time for your kids to practice the behaviors you want, so you're going to use the Limit Setting Formula to proactively teach those skills instead of nagging, lecturing, and criticizing.
Darlynn: 09:57 — And then the last mistake is when parents give up on family dinners altogether because it doesn't feel worth it — you just hand everybody whatever food they want, they sit at the kitchen counter, they scoop it up, and you miss the opportunity to build the skill of connection, the skill of manners, the skill of eating foods that aren't their preferred foods. It robs both you and your child of the opportunity to learn and practice these skills.
Darlynn: 10:17 — Because on the other side of all the trouble with dinner is the blessing of dinner — sitting at the table and having a quality conversation. As you do that more and more, your kids learn that it's a wonderful time to connect with their family, and you'll have many wonderful conversations as they get older. Putting in that effort now is worth it long-term, in order to get the connection you want as a family.
Darlynn: 10:55 — So let's talk about picky eating. I dive deep into this topic — sensory issues, how to introduce new foods, all of that — in episode 66, called "Peaceful Dinners and Picky Eaters." I highly recommend you go back and listen to that episode, but let me summarize it here so you have a good idea of how to handle picky eating.
Darlynn: 11:15 — The approach I take to managing kids and their eating is based on Ellyn Satter's work — her concept is called the Division of Responsibility in feeding kids. I love her approach because it draws a very clean line between what you're responsible for and what your child is responsible for when it comes to eating. She's a nutritionist and researcher who's done a lot of work in this area.
Darlynn: 11:45 — What she says is that you, the parent, are responsible for what food is served — you decide what goes on the table. You're responsible for when food is served — that's the rhythm of the schedule. And you're responsible for where it's eaten — if food's in the car, you decide that; if it's in the bedroom or the living room, you decide that too. You decide where it's eaten, what you serve, and when you serve it.
Darlynn: 12:15 — Not everyone is comfortable with this model, and that's okay. If you want an open kitchen with grazers, kids flowing in and out, and you're not prioritizing family meals, that's your prerogative. But if you are prioritizing family meals, and you want to teach kids how to try new foods, trust their intuition, and learn to connect with their hunger, the Division of Responsibility achieves those goals.
Darlynn: 12:44 — So what does this mean practically? It means you consider what your child likes and make sure they have some options available to eat at the table — but you're not catering to their preferred food. We're not giving them only what they like; we're making sure something they want is available. When you're planning your menu, you might think, "This kid won't like this, so I'm going to serve bread too."
Darlynn: 13:14 — When the meal is happening, you don't make them eat specific foods — you just make sure they get enough calories to feel full. So again: the Division of Responsibility means you're determining what's offered, when it's offered, and where it can be eaten, and the child decides whether they're going to eat it and how much of it they're going to eat. That means we're not chasing kids around saying "one more bite, one more bite."
Darlynn: 13:44 — In practice, a lot of parents like to do a "no thank you" bite — you can leave the table once you've had a no-thank-you bite, and you can set that limit or boundary. I had a really picky eater, so I had to be careful with that kind of rule. I made sure his preferred food was on the table, and he could eat as much of that as he wanted — and that preferred food was offered to everybody, not just him.
Darlynn: 14:04 — So sometimes it got a little unusual — like if I know one kid won't eat rice, but I want to serve rice, and I know they probably need a carbohydrate, I might serve rice and bread at the same meal. Or if I'm serving a vegetable they don't care for, I'll also serve carrots. Again, I'm deciding what's on the table and what's available, and they're picking what they eat and how much.
Darlynn: 14:34 — In this model, the suggestion is to serve food family-style. A lot of us plate our kids' food — we stand at the stovetop and divvy it up, which is handy, but it's not great for teaching kids to be in touch with their own belly and their own amount of food. A family-style or buffet-style setup is really good for letting kids take as much as they want, look at the food, put it on their plate, and go back for more.
Darlynn: 15:04 — Of course, that's a slower, messier process — but it brings everyone together. Everyone's talking about the food, passing dishes across the table — that dynamic is really fun for families. It's messy, it's hard, but as you get used to it, it's worth it, and it helps your kids make their own choices. That's the Division of Responsibility in action.
Darlynn: 15:24 — So with limit setting, what does this look like? Something like, "Feel free to eat as much or as little from what I've offered for dinner." We're not tracking how much is eaten, we're not negotiating bite by bite. If they refuse to eat, they refuse to eat — that's allowed, and we just wait until the next meal.
Darlynn: 15:44 — You can simply say, "Yep, no problem, dinner's over, you can eat at the next meal." This means we have to let our kids be hungry, and that's a little scary for us. But one skipped meal does not hurt your kid — a nightly short-order kitchen teaches a much worse long-term lesson than a night of not getting a preferred meal and being a little hungry.
Darlynn: 16:03 — That little bit of hunger creates external motivation, long-term, for them to be more open to trying the food that's on the table. That's what you really want — and you have to create boundaries around that and let your kids fail, in order for them to be more likely to take you up on the offer of what's available.
Darlynn: 16:23 — Quick note on dessert, because I know people wonder — is dessert okay, should we have it every night? It's up to you. In the model Ellyn Satter created, dessert isn't a special category of food — it's on the table, available just like everything else.
Darlynn: 16:43 — If you only want your kids to have one cookie, you put out enough cookies for everyone to have one. If they eat dessert first in this model, that's fine — all food is neutral, it's just caloric, and they take in what they need. I know that's hard for parents; we worry about carbohydrate and fat and protein and fiber. In this model, we assume that because we're the ones deciding what's available, our kids will get the right mix of nutrients as they grow.
Darlynn: 17:13 — Last note on picky eating: for some kids, picky eating isn't a preference — it's not that they're choosing not to eat a certain food. For some kids, it's a genuine sensory or motor issue, and they're not testing you or trying to assert control over what they eat.
Darlynn: 17:33 — If your kid is struggling with texture, smell, or gagging, and you've been consistent with what I'm teaching you and holding those boundaries — but you're still seeing picky eating and a lot of resistance around food — it's important to talk to a pediatrician or an occupational therapist and get some support. You can go back and listen to episode 66, where I cover this in more detail.
Darlynn: 18:03 — Okay, so we have our plan — we're using Division of Responsibility, we know we're not going to short-order cook anymore, and we know we want to serve dinner about 90 minutes after the last snack. We're setting ourselves up. So now what is your plan? Before you create your limits and rules for dinner, you have to figure out what those are — what's your plan, what are your rules, and what behaviors do you want to work on first?
Darlynn: 18:33 — The first part is pretty simple: pick your dinner window and stick to it, having that rhythm of an afternoon snack, then dinner. I used to always do a before-bed snack too — it was a little bit of a rescue, because I had such a picky eater that I wanted him to have some food in his belly before bed.
Darlynn: 18:53 — I applied the Division of Responsibility to that too — I picked what was available for the before-bed snack, so I knew it would be something easy for them to eat. It was a little bit of a rescue behavior, but I also knew it made bedtime go smoother. I had one kid who ate a lot and one who didn't eat much, so I'd balance when I served meals to make sure everyone got calories at a time they were actually hungry.
Darlynn: 19:13 — So pick your dinner time and try to keep it about the same time of day. Obviously this can look very different — if you have sports right around dinnertime, you'll have to figure out whether to eat before or after, or do a big hearty snack instead of a sit-down meal plan. That's okay — I don't want you to think you have to do this every single night in order to be successful.
Darlynn: 19:43 — The truth is, you want to pick your limits, and on the nights you do have family dinner, hold your limits. Consistency is really hard in families, and I don't like to put too much pressure on you as a parent — but when you decide you're having a family dinner, you want to be consistent about following through on your limits.
Darlynn: 20:03 — So what does that even mean? We have a lot of expectations of our kids at mealtime — we want them to not demand alternative food, to chew with their mouth closed, to stay seated, to use silverware, to not fight with their siblings, to not bring toys to the table, to come to the table when called, to sit properly instead of slouching or kneeling, to keep their elbows off the table, to not rush, to not talk about gross stuff, to clean up a spill, to say please and thank you, and to clear their plate when they're done.
Darlynn: 20:43 — That's a lot of different behaviors we want. There's a lot of expectations at mealtime, and it's going to take a couple of years to really develop the skill of sitting at a table, having proper manners, knowing how to pass the butter, and having conversations with adults and with siblings.
Darlynn: 21:03 — So don't try to tackle all of dinner and all the manners at once. Pick a few things, work on those for about a week or ten days, and then add another one. For the beginning, I want you to pick maybe two or three different manners or behaviors you want to improve, and then implement the Limit Setting Formula with those behaviors.
Darlynn: 21:22 — So how does that work? The Limit Setting Formula is essentially a flip of a command and a threat. A lot of times we'll tell our kids, "Stop doing that" — stop spitting out your peas, stop smashing your food, stop bothering your brother, stop playing with toys at the table, stop blowing bubbles in your milk.
Darlynn: 21:53 — We're giving our kids a command, and a lot of times we add a threat to it — "stop blowing bubbles at the table, or your dinner is over," or "stop bothering your brother, or you're not having books tonight." That's a command-threat. In the Limit Setting Formula, we're flipping that command and threat into a limit.
Darlynn: 22:12 — We're saying, "You can have" — whatever the threat would have been — "you can have books tonight." Sometimes the thing they can have is a privilege, like playing with toys or going outside. Sometimes it's just having dinner — "you can sit at this table," "you can have your turn to say your answer." I want to give you exact examples of how to turn a command-threat, or a rule, into a limit.
Darlynn: 22:42 — Let me give you some really specific examples. Imagine your kid keeps getting up, and you say, "Sit down, or your dinner is over." The flip into a limit would be, "You're welcome to eat dinner as long as your bottom is on the chair."
Darlynn: 23:02 — Now, what happens if they get up out of their chair? Dinner is over. That kind of consequence — that logical next thing that happens because they didn't listen — can be really hard for you, so make sure that whatever you set up in your limit is something you're actually willing to follow through on.
Darlynn: 23:21 — I'm suggesting that a missed meal isn't that big of a deal, especially if you're going to have a before-bed snack — even if that snack isn't for another 90 minutes, maybe an hour between dinner and the snack. That means your kid might have a hungry belly for a while, and that is okay.
Darlynn: 23:41 — So when we threaten, "Sit down, or your dinner is over" — if that's an empty threat, don't put it into your limit. But if you genuinely want your kid to learn to sit on their bottom at the table, then you'll hold that limit: "You're welcome to eat dinner as long as your bottom is on the chair."
Darlynn: 24:01 — How about a kid who keeps leaving the table, or gets up without being excused? We often say, "You can't just get up from the table, that's so rude, don't do that" — we kind of yell at them because we don't like their behavior. Instead, I'd love you to flip that into, "Bud, you can leave the table once you've asked to be excused."
Darlynn: 24:21 — Have them come back, sit down, and try again — say, "Can I be excused?" And you say, "Yes, you can be excused once you've put your plate on the counter." In the Limit Setting Formula, we stay calm — we're not just barking orders or lecturing, we're giving our kids an experience of the boundary. We let them practice, let them try again, or let them experience the natural consequence.
Darlynn: 24:41 — We might also hear someone say, "Eat your dinner, or you're not getting dessert." If you want to connect dessert to motivation, be specific: "Feel free to have dessert tonight as long as you've taken five bites of each item" — or whatever your boundary is. You don't have to tie dessert to food at all — you don't even have to offer dessert. But if you are using it, I'd rather you not threaten with it; use it as an actual limit, with specific conditions.
Darlynn: 25:11 — Another thing you hear from parents is, "Use your fork" — that's a command, often followed by a lot of extra commentary and lecturing: "How many times do I have to tell you? I've told you many, many times." The limit would be, "You're welcome to eat that chicken as long as you're using your fork," and then give them a chance. If they keep picking it up with their hands, say, "Looks like this meal is over," and set it aside — you have to be willing to follow through on your limit.
Darlynn: 25:50 — Now, what if kids are at the table with toys and you're tempted to say, "Put that toy away, or you're leaving the table"? Instead, say, "You're welcome to sit here as long as there are no toys at the table." Notice the shape of every one of these: the command version threatens something bad if they don't comply, while the limit version tells them exactly what they're welcome to do, what they get, and under what condition.
Darlynn: 26:20 — In many ways, it's the same set of circumstances and the same conditions — you're just flipping it so the child receives the information from their thinking brain instead of their threatening brain. You always want to move your kids into their thinking, executive-functioning, cause-and-effect brain, and out of the fear-based or emotional part of their brain, where decisions are made on emotion instead of logic.
Darlynn: 26:50 — Obviously, kids under 6 have a lot of trouble accessing that thinking part of their brain — that's why we have to repeat our limits pretty often and do a lot of training.
Darlynn: 27:00 — So let's talk about training specific behaviors. How do you get your kid to the table? One thing I love is the question, "Do you want to eat now, or do you want to eat in five minutes?" Oftentimes parents will just say, "Dinner will be ready in five minutes," thinking we're giving a warning or a heads-up — but kids don't really listen, because we haven't asked their brain a question.
Darlynn: 27:29 — This is the whole idea behind the Limit Setting Formula — it activates the kid's thinking brain and gets them more engaged. So when you ask, "Do you want to eat now, or in five minutes?" they'll typically say, "In five minutes." What's cool is that their little brain just made a decision — it created its own boundary inside its brain.
Darlynn: 27:49 — So when you come back and say, "It's been five minutes," it triggers a response in them to come have the meal. Getting them to the table is a lot easier if you prime the brain to make that decision — a decision primes the brain to actually transition when the time comes, but a warning doesn't do that.
Darlynn: 28:10 — Another thing I liked to have my kids do was help set the table — that was one of their chores, which I talked about last week. I'd say, "Do you want to set the table now, or in five minutes?" And they'd say, "In five minutes," of course. Then I'd say, "Okay, it's been five minutes," and they'd come fill up water cups, get silverware, put napkins on the table — whatever their job was — and they'd get engaged and primed for mealtime.
Darlynn: 28:49 — When I first started doing this, I'd ask, "Do you want to do this now or in five minutes?" and they'd say, "In five minutes." But over time, their brains started thinking, "I'll just do it now, what difference does it make?" — so they started complying earlier, which was even better.
Darlynn: 29:09 — Now, what if your kid keeps getting up? Remember the limit: "You're welcome to eat dinner as long as your bottom is on the chair." This means you have to be willing to let them make that mistake and have a hungry belly for a night, or for a couple of hours, and give them the chance to have that experience.
Darlynn: 29:29 — Chasing them around back to the table, picking them up, telling them to sit down for the fifth time — that isn't going to help your kids learn that they should stay seated in order to eat. If you've timed it properly, they're genuinely hungry and motivated to eat. So state the limit at the very start of the meal, and then calmly follow through: the plate goes away, or the meal is over for them. Avoid renegotiating every single time they get up.
Darlynn: 29:49 — If it turns into a meltdown over the limit, that's okay — that's a normal protest. If I think I'm going to get away with breaking a rule and then I don't, I'm going to have feelings about that. In that moment, you can offer some compassion and use the Connection Tool: "I know you really wanted to have dinner right now, but I only serve kids who are on their bottom, and you got up — so dinner's over for you, but we'll have a before-bed snack in a couple of hours. You'll be okay."
Darlynn: 30:19 — They might cry, and that's okay — you just continue eating your food. If they're really little and you want to give them a chance, you can ask, "Do you want to try one more time? Do you want to sit on your bottom?" and walk them through it slowly: "Okay, great, show me — sit down first. You're sitting down, okay, good. Where's your tushy? Right on your chair. Okay, great. Should I get your food? Yeah, okay."
Darlynn: 30:39 — You're really slowing that nervous system down and letting their little brain catch up to the decision they're making — that they're going to stay seated. Don't be afraid to reset your limit and try again one time, but don't keep doing it over and over. Give them a chance — if they're having a big meltdown, you can offer a little support and let them try again. If they fail again, I'd call it quits for the night.
Darlynn: 31:20 — Now, manners and using utensils is one of the things that really drives parents crazy, and I find it funny, because in our culture as Americans, we have a lot of food that doesn't require utensils. I just had lunch and didn't use any silverware, because I had a sandwich — but if I'd had a salad, I'd use a fork, and if I'd had a piece of chicken breast that needed cutting, I'd use a fork and a knife.
Darlynn: 31:50 — Every time I make a meal and sit down to eat it, I'm making a decision in my brain about what I'm going to need — I know I need a spoon for cereal, yogurt, or soup, because I'm a grown-up with a lot of experience, and I'm thinking about it. But our kids — food is just brought to them, and they're going to use the easiest utensil they have, which is their fingers.
Darlynn: 32:09 — It's important to pause and ask kids, "Is this a finger food or a fork food?" instead of getting mad because they aren't using the proper utensil. Pause, and ask them what the food is — think of eating as a skill you want to teach them. Pizza, chicken nuggets, a sandwich — use hands. Pasta, mac and cheese, a piece of uncut meat — fork.
Darlynn: 32:39 — But some food is genuinely ambiguous. Cut-up meat — if it's already cut up, can I use my fingers? No, because it's messy and greasy and has sauce. Mac and cheese — I could use my fingers, but I wouldn't get much in a bite, so I use silverware and keep my hands clean. What about a waffle? Sometimes it's fine, because it's like a piece of bread — but sometimes it's not, depending on whether it's messy or has syrup on it.
Darlynn: 33:09 — All of these decisions are very subconscious for us, because we have enough experience — but our kids don't. You want to inform them what type of food it is and ask them to do some thinking. It's the same with manners in general — kids naturally don't know to say please, to say thank you, to ask someone to pass something.
Darlynn: 33:29 — They reach over somebody, they slouch, they put their elbows on the table, they pick up their plate and shovel food into their mouths. They don't know they need to keep their plate on the table, ask permission, ask for the food to be passed, say please, say thank you. I taught my kids they could be excused from the meal after saying, "Thank you for dinner, may I be excused?" and I practiced that with them many times.
Darlynn: 33:58 — They would get up, and I'd say, "Uh-uh-uh, come back, you're not excused." Then I'd say, "What do you say?" and they'd say, "Thank you for dinner, can I be excused?" And I'd say, "Yes, once you've put your plate on the counter." I did that for years — taught it a few times, and it became a habit. For years, my kids said thank you for dinner to me every time.
Darlynn: 34:19 — This brings me to complaining about the food — another opportunity to teach manners. When your kid looks at a plate and says, "Oh gross, I'm not eating that," you can pause and teach them to swap that for something else: "It's okay to not want to eat something, but instead of commenting on it, you can say, 'No, thank you, I'd rather not eat that — I'm going to have this instead.'"
Darlynn: 34:48 — You don't have to make a commentary on the food — it's considered rude or disrespectful, especially to whoever cooked it, because that person put effort into it. It's a little bit of a lecture, but really it's more of a coaching conversation — you're teaching them: this behavior makes sense, I understand why you'd do it, but it's considered rude, so do this instead.
Darlynn: 35:08 — So we reflect, we teach, and then we practice — right in that moment, have them practice out loud. Say, "Why don't you say, 'Thanks for cooking this, but I'm going to pass on that,' or 'No thank you, I'd rather not try that.'" Give them the chance to use their new skill, to practice being polite in the moment. That's how manners are taught.
Darlynn: 35:39 — Toys at the table — super simple limit: "You're welcome to sit here as long as there are no toys." If one shows up, you pick it up and put it aside, and say, "You're welcome to have this toy back after dinner, as long as there are no problems during dinner." You don't need to add a big lecture.
Darlynn: 35:48 — Sibling fighting: "You're welcome to sit with us as long as you're speaking kindly to your brother." If they keep bickering, go to connection first — "I noticed you two are getting really loud. I wonder if you're both really hungry, and that's making it hard for you to control yourself." Then the limit: "You're welcome to sit here as long as you're speaking kindly to each other."
Darlynn: 36:08 — If a fight blows up the whole table, it's okay to end the meal early. Sometimes meals just go sideways, and that's okay — sometimes you just have to say, "That dinner's over, this isn't working," even if they might be really hungry. You can say, "We can try again in a few minutes, but I'm not going to sit at the table with you guys right now — I'm putting this food away."
Darlynn: 36:28 — You don't even have to make the consequence last the rest of the night — it can just be a beat where you pull away and reset. There are going to be nights where you can't hold limits, because you're too tired, they're too tired, they're too hungry, things have gone sour, and you've already had a lot of conflict and just want to get everybody to bed. Feel free to have a "no manners night" — you can say, "Listen, everybody, let's just get through this dinner, eat what you want, and we'll try again tomorrow."
Darlynn: 37:08 — So don't be hard on yourself. If you want to change your family's patterns and improve your rhythm and routine, and you stick to it several nights in a row and then one night goes sour — or you just don't have it in you and you want to cater, or order in — that's okay. This is going to take a long time. You have years with your kids, and you get to take that time and go slowly in teaching manners, dinner behavior, meals, and overcoming picky eating. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.
Darlynn: 37:38 — So to wrap up, one thing I want you to consider is the Division of Responsibility. What would it look like in your family if you decided you were in charge of what was offered at a meal, when it was offered, and where it was offered — and then you let go and let your kids decide how much of what's offered they're going to eat, backing off from micromanaging and controlling intake?
Darlynn: 38:07 — Just try it out — for one meal, and see how it feels. It might be something you have to work on as a mom or a dad, releasing the pressure you feel — "my kid's underweight, I've got to make sure they eat all the calories, they need more protein or more fat." If your kid needs a lot of protein, serve plenty of protein, and let them find their way to the right amount for themselves.
Darlynn: 38:39 — I want your kids to build the behavior of trusting food, trying food, enjoying food, and building a good relationship with food. Part of that is giving them the responsibility of taking care of their own bodies, listening to their own hunger, and satisfying that hunger. So try out the Division of Responsibility.
Darlynn: 38:58 — The second thing is picking one behavior that's driving you crazy at mealtime. I like to say: if I'm angry about a behavior, it's because I haven't set a good limit. If I've been outside my own boundaries, or haven't communicated or taught my kids the limit around a behavior, and I find myself really angry, that's just a clue that I have power over how my family runs — I get to set boundaries and limits, and follow through on them.
Darlynn: 39:37 — Think about one or two behaviors that are driving you crazy — kids getting up, kids smashing food, kids not using the right silverware, kids complaining, whatever it is. Pick one, set a limit around it, and hold it. You might have to follow through — dinner's over for them, that meal goes aside — and that's okay.
Darlynn: 39:57 — Try it out, see how it feels, and notice if over the course of a couple of days you get improved behavior. I've been teaching this a long time, and I've watched family after family have their kids improve because of the Limit Setting Formula. When it works in one area, it translates to all the other areas, and your kids start to learn that they should listen to you — not because they're afraid of you, but because it makes the most sense for them to listen to you.
Darlynn: 40:27 — So the Limit Setting Formula works at mornings, it works at bedtime, it works at homework, it works with screens, it works with chores, and it works with meals. I hope you enjoyed this episode — please share it with a friend, and reach out to me if you have any questions. You can find me on Instagram, leave a comment on YouTube, or reply to any email you get from me, and I'll reply back.
Darlynn: 40:56 — I'm wishing you some peaceful dinners this week, and that you enjoy time as a family. I'll talk to you next week.
