Darlynn: 00:00:00 Welcome back to Become a Calm Mama. I'm your host, Darlynn Childress, and I'm a life and parenting coach. Over the last few weeks I've been doing a back-to-school series, and last week I talked about your morning routine and how to make those drop-offs calmer. Today I want to close that loop and talk about the other frustrating time of day: bedtime.
Darlynn: 00:00:20 Bedtime is one of those routines that feels like it should be simple — pajamas, brush teeth, read a book, quick snuggles, lights out. But then it's 8:40, you've said "time for bed" four times, someone's crying about a stuffed animal, and you're standing in the hallway wondering how this became the hardest part of your day. I had a client recently call it "the gauntlet," and I loved that. There is a reality that bedtime is challenging, and I don't want to discount that or give you false hope.
Darlynn: 00:01:00 But I do want to help you do two things today. First, I want to help you build a bedtime routine that actually feels doable, the same way we did for the morning routine last episode — what to include and how to set it up. Second, I want to talk about how to handle bedtime using the limit setting formula in the Connected Parenting Process, and how to manage bedtime when it goes sideways.
Darlynn: 00:01:29 That means setting limits so your children start to learn the routine and it becomes internalized for them, so you don't have to repeat, remind, get frustrated, yell, or deal with chaos every night. We do that with limit setting and by following through on consequences. I know your goal is a bedtime routine that runs by itself most nights — not every night, and not perfectly every night, but predictable. Your kid knows what to expect, so you don't have to put so much effort in.
Darlynn: 00:02:09 You know what's coming, they know what's coming, it's reliable, and you're not reinventing the wheel every night at 7:00 PM. I'm not going to tell you the right way to get your kids to sleep. I've talked to hundreds of moms, and they have wildly different versions of how they get their kids to bed — maybe you lie down with your kid every night until they fall asleep, maybe you've got a big family bed, maybe you don't lay down with them at all and you just put them into bed, no books, and walk away.
Darlynn: 00:02:39 If you have a routine that's working for you and it's not chaotic, I'm not here to judge you. I do know it's really good to have a connected moment with your kid before they go to sleep — eye contact, reading stories, having them read aloud, which is also great for their brain and development. But if that doesn't happen at that time of day for you, that's fine.
Darlynn: 00:03:09 The goal with bedtime is that you create a predictable, peaceful routine, and that your child learns to fall asleep on their own — that they can tolerate the transition from play to bed and then be okay falling asleep on their own, learning to self-soothe. That's one of the skills kids really need in order to live their lives. If we can teach our kids to self-soothe and calm their nervous system when they're young, you'll have a much easier time long-term with them falling asleep on their own. So if you're struggling with bedtime, this episode is for you.
Darlynn: 00:03:39 I want to talk about the two reasons bedtime routines fall apart. As I describe these, I want you thinking: is this me? One reason is that there's no actual structure — it's different every night. You don't start at the same time, you don't follow the same pattern, and your kids don't really know what to expect.
Darlynn: 00:03:59 Sometimes you let them watch TV, sometimes you don't. Sometimes there's a bath, sometimes not. Sometimes a bedtime snack, sometimes water, sometimes nothing — when it's inconsistent, it's harder for you and your kids, and they're going to fight more. A predictable routine gives you more calm. I know it can feel like you want to just be in the flow, and if that's working for you and you don't have bedtime chaos, skip this episode — it's not for you. But if you don't have a good rhythm, this will help you build in a routine that's predictable and not so chaotic.
Darlynn: 00:04:49 The other thing I see most of the time is that there is a routine — dinner, bath, and bed. Your kids eat dinner, take a bath, get their pajamas on, brush their teeth, you read a story, lay down with them for a couple of minutes, and then you want to walk out of the room. That's the predictable routine many of us have.
Darlynn: 00:05:09 But what happens to a lot of parents is that they have the routine, but as soon as there's pushback, it starts to fall apart. You say, "okay, two books and then lights out," and they protest — "what about three books?" You read a third, and then it's "what about four?" Now you're in a negotiation, because they don't really believe in your boundary.
Darlynn: 00:05:29 You have a set of routines or rules, but you don't really have a system of consequences or ways to follow up on them. That's when you get into trouble. If either of these describes you, that doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or your kid — it means you're missing a parenting skill, and you might have some information you don't know yet.
Darlynn: 00:05:59 That's what I notice a lot in my parenting practice. Parents come to me for a consult, and as I talk to them I realize they're great parents — they just don't know how to set limits, or they're great parents who just don't know how to emotionally coach their kids. A lot of parenting is intuitive, sure, but there are also skills: relational skills, communication skills, boundary work. This episode is going to help you build that limit-setting skill, which is part of the Connected Parenting Process.
Darlynn: 00:06:28 The Connected Parenting Process is calm, connect, limit set, correct — those are the four pillars. In this episode I'm breaking down limit set and correct as they apply to your bedtime routine. I think you're going to love this, because you're going to learn how to set a bedtime routine, how to use limits, and how to follow through with consequences. And the consequences I teach are pain-free and shame-free, but they still help your children learn to think for themselves.
Darlynn: 00:06:58 When you have a skill gap in parenting, the good news is you can easily learn new skills — it means there's nothing wrong with you, you just have information gaps. That skill gap is what we're addressing today. I want to say this honestly: bedtime is the hardest place to hold a limit, because it's the end of the day and you have the least capacity right when you need the most patience to hold that boundary.
Darlynn: 00:07:28 So as we go along, I don't want you thinking you're bad at this. I want you to realize that bedtime is hard because you're tired — and it's also hard for kids, because they don't want to go to sleep. They biologically and physiologically do not want to separate from you. They have a little anxiety about being in a dark room, about the end of play, the end of all the good things in their day — daytime, play, connection with you.
Darlynn: 00:07:59 So they're struggling too. You have competing goals at bedtime, which makes it challenging — you want your kids to get to sleep, and they want to stay up. There's a real conflict, a real tension, especially when you're tired at the end of the day after go-go-go. But I'm going to teach you how to hold that limit and handle the resistance without giving in or getting mad.
Darlynn: 00:08:29 The good news is that the more you hold these bedtime limits and do these routines, the easier it becomes. You'll get better at the skill, and your child will get better at realizing it's in their best interest to listen to you and follow the routine. So let's talk about limits, because people often think a limit is saying the command — "get your pajamas on," "brush your teeth," "lay down right now." Those are not limits. Those are commands.
Darlynn: 00:08:59 And when you give a command to your child, you're handing all the control over to them and their immature nervous system, their immature brain. Children make decisions based on whether something feels good or doesn't — they're deciding mostly from the limbic center of their brain. What we want is to teach our kids to make decisions based on logic, on cause and effect, using that executive-functioning part of their brain.
Darlynn: 00:09:29 That's hard for little kids under six, and honestly, anyone who's tired has trouble with it — we all make emotional decisions when we're worn down, which is why we end up eating extra cookies, scrolling on our phones, or watching one more episode instead of going to bed. We're making those choices from our limbic center, from what feels good in the moment.
Darlynn: 00:09:58 So when you give your kid a command, you're basically hoping it will feel good to them to do the thing you're asking. When you say "put your pajamas on," you're kind of holding your breath, crossing your fingers, hoping they'll do it. But you're setting yourself up for a kid who's deciding based on whether it feels good — and why would putting on pajamas feel good when they're in the middle of Legos or playing house or dolls?
Darlynn: 00:10:38 It doesn't feel good, so as a parent you escalate. Maybe you start nicely — "hey, it's time to put your pajamas on" — and then as the resistance, or what looks like defiance, continues, you get more upset. You're repeating the command, getting more harsh and firm, maybe adding threats.
Darlynn: 00:11:08 As you do that, your child's emotional state changes too, because it's being shaped by yours. Maybe they do comply once you yell — which is why parents always tell me, "my kids only listen when I yell." And I say, right, because you've trained their nervous system to only respond to fear or worry, whatever emotion you're broadcasting. They're complying because of the emotion, and yelling and threats are effective at getting compliance in the short term.
Darlynn: 00:11:38 However, in the long term, yelling and threats and emotional manipulation cost you long-term gain, because they put your child into that fight, flight, freeze, faint, fawn instinct — and they're making that decision driven by emotion. What we want instead is for our kids to start making decisions based on their thinking, on cause and effect: if I don't listen to my parent, then this happens.
Darlynn: 00:12:18 I want your kids to make that decision not because you've yelled or raised your voice, but because they've done the thinking for themselves. That's what limit setting really does — it puts the thinking onto the child. It makes them start to realize, "oh, I can get books read to me if I put my pajamas on." They're making a cause-and-effect connection between the two things: this, then that.
Darlynn: 00:12:48 That's what executive functioning is all about — thinking, planning, organizing time, organizing consequences. Little kids have trouble doing that, but we want to help them learn, grow, and become capable of it. We want to help them move from that emotion-driven limbic center into that executive-functioning, prefrontal-cortex place where they make decisions based on what's good for them.
Darlynn: 00:13:17 So when we communicate limits, we're telling them what we want them to do and helping guide their brain toward the behavior we want. In the Connected Parenting Process, we use the limit setting formula to communicate to our child what's expected and what happens when they do listen. You set clear boundaries, and then you let your child experience what happens when they don't keep that limit.
Darlynn: 00:13:47 A limit helps your kids understand what's expected of them and what they get when they meet those expectations. We want to communicate that they may have this nice thing — reading stories, a before-bed snack, filling up their water bottle, whatever it is — once they finish this one thing first.
Darlynn: 00:14:17 You're teaching them sequence. And if they go against the sequence, there's a consequence, and they have to experience it. The goal of limit setting isn't to get compliance in the moment — it's to get your kids thinking about their actions and start connecting the dots between how they behave and what happens as a result. The limit setting formula is where you tell your child what they can do or have, as long as they do the thing you want them to do.
Darlynn: 00:14:48 Think of it as flipping a threat into a limit. I want to give you a few examples of how this sounds in real time. A lot of parents will say, "put your pajamas on now or you won't get any books." That's a threat — it's a command plus a consequence.
Darlynn: 00:15:08 I want you to flip that: tell them what they will get, and the condition they need to meet to get it. Listen to this — "I'm happy to read books to you as long as your teeth are brushed and you're in your pajamas before the timer goes off." Then you sit back, set a timer, and wait. You can communicate it again by looking them in the eye.
Darlynn: 00:15:38 "Do you hear what I said? What can you have? You can have books, right? As long as what? Brush your teeth. And? Put my pajamas on. Yes." I really want you, when you're teaching this routine and this limit, to slow it down, get in their space, and communicate directly. This is not armchair parenting — you're not yelling from the kitchen.
Darlynn: 00:16:08 You're not shouting "get your pajamas on" or "hurry up, brush your teeth" while you're finishing up in the kitchen. I want you to be present for the teaching time, at least for the first couple of weeks that you're teaching this routine. Eventually you can just call out from the kitchen: "hey, I'm setting the timer, I hope you guys get some books tonight, you know what to do, right?"
Darlynn: 00:16:38 I want you to have done this enough times that you can just cue your kids and they already know: they get books and cuddles and all of that, as long as they get their pajamas on before the timer goes off. Here's another example. If you have a "jack-in-the-box" kid — one who keeps coming out of the room — you might come out and say, "if you come out here one more time, I'm shutting this door," saying it with anger, trying to get them to respond out of fear.
Darlynn: 00:17:07 I know you don't want to think of it as manipulating your kid, but we all do this — we get upset, we want our kids to listen, and we end up with threats, anger, and frustration. It becomes emotionally charged, and whenever emotions are that high, there's usually not a lot of logic or thinking involved.
Darlynn: 00:17:37 I'd rather you say, "okay, you keep coming out — you can have your bedroom door open as long as you don't come out." Check that they understand, tuck them back in, and leave the door open. If they jack-in-the-box again, you go, "oh, looks like I have to close this door," and you put them back into bed and close it.
Darlynn: 00:18:08 If you want to be careful not to trigger too big of a meltdown, you can say, "as long as you stay in your bed, you can have the door open just a little bit." I want you to feel like you can negotiate a bit within these limits, but still using the same "this, then that" language. I really want your kids to understand that they need to do something in order to get something. It's a little transactional, but it's also just logic.
Darlynn: 00:18:18 Here's another example I've heard parents say recently: "if you want to lay down with me in my bed, you can't be jumping up." I understand that instinct, but I'd rather you say, "you are welcome to lay down on my bed as long as you are actually laying down." Or say your family has decided your kids get five or ten minutes to read alone in their room, whether they're a little older or still little and learning to self-regulate.
Darlynn: 00:18:48 You say, "you can do that for five minutes, or until 8:15, as long as we are in bed by eight." If it runs late and they ask to read to themselves a little longer, you say, "no, we didn't make the time today, we'll try again tomorrow." Another example — maybe you want to offer a little bribe to get them motivated, which is fine. You might normally say, "we're not going to have a dance party if you guys don't get out of the bathtub right now."
Darlynn: 00:19:08 Instead try, "hey guys, we can do a quick dance party as long as you get out of the bathtub and get your pajamas on in the next two minutes." The language is "you're welcome to" or "I'll be happy to" — permissive language that tells them what they get, which the brain loves to hear. Then it's about how they get that thing.
Darlynn: 00:19:38 Sometimes the thing they get is just the next thing — like putting pajamas on after brushing their teeth. It's funny, when you use this language the brain really responds: "wait, what? I can put my pajamas on? What do I have to do? Brush my teeth? Okay, great."
Darlynn: 00:19:58 It becomes the pattern in your family, where they understand the sequence of events based on the limit. When you start learning this for yourself — the way I had to teach myself, and the way I've had to teach all my clients — it's hard to remember this language at first. Remembering to say it is one of the biggest obstacles to using the limit setting formula.
Darlynn: 00:20:18 I had the same problem when I learned about this. I would just say it wrong at first — "stop it right now," or, my boys used to like to have sleepovers in each other's rooms, and I'd say, "you guys can't have a sleepover if you don't stop it right now." And then I'd catch myself: "you guys are welcome to have a sleepover as long as you both sit on your bottoms and read stories quietly for five minutes."
Darlynn: 00:20:48 I would remember to add in the desired behavior I had for them in that moment, and communicate what I wanted them to do and what they'd get under that condition. In the beginning, you might tell them to stop doing this or that, or add a threat — this bad thing will happen. So you catch it, and you flip it.
Darlynn: 00:21:08 You say it as a command or a threat first, and then you flip it: "you can have books tonight as long as you walk quietly back to your bedroom in the next minute." Whatever limit you're setting, I want you to wait afterward and give your child a little time to catch up to what you're saying.
Darlynn: 00:21:38 Notice I'm including a timeframe — that's because it might take a minute or two for your kid's brain to catch up. We often feel like it's an emergency, like we need our kids to stop right now, so we say "stop it, don't do that." I want you to allow a little room for their brain to catch up to the moment.
Darlynn: 00:22:08 You can say, "hey, I see you jumping on the couch and having a good time, but I want to remind you that you can have books and story time as long as you're in your room in the next two minutes." Then wait, and pause.
Darlynn: 00:22:27 If your child loves an audience and keeps being silly or naughty because you're watching, you can also say, "I'm going to go get a drink of water, and I'll come check on you to see if you've made it to your room." Remove yourself as the audience for a minute, then come back. You're moving the moment forward — you're seeing a kid with a lot of big energy, and you're setting boundaries to move them toward where you want them to be.
Darlynn: 00:22:56 An important note here: try not to repeat yourself. A lot of parents do this — "hey, remember I said... oh, it looks like you're not getting books... oh, you're still jumping... do you want books? Are you going to... do you want me to read to you? You don't want me to read to you?" We just talk a lot.
Darlynn: 00:23:16 Instead, be silent and watch. When you're quiet, just looking at your child with a neutral face, they're going to feel that "uh-oh" — instead of you yelling and escalating, you're showing them they need to pay attention to what you're saying.
Darlynn: 00:23:36 If you feel like your kid really isn't listening, that they're way out of bounds, it's okay to get right into their space — eye contact, connection, not rudely, not grabbing their face, just moving closer and making eye contact. Say, "listen, did you hear what I said?"
Darlynn: 00:23:57 "I said you can have what? Books, right? As long as what? You go to your room, right? Okay. I'm going to go get some water, and I'll check on you in two minutes to see if you've made it into your room." Notice how calm my voice is in this — notice how patient I am with my child's need to play and their need to shift into compliance.
Darlynn: 00:24:17 Rescuing looks like reminding your kids over and over, or not following through on the limit you set. I don't want you to feel like you can't repeat yourself — I want you to repeat yourself with intention, making eye contact, being quiet, being calm, and communicating clearly what the boundary is and what your child receives or doesn't receive based on it. I want your child to know they have a choice, and that they're actively making it.
Darlynn: 00:24:47 The first few times you do this, your child isn't going to believe you. I remember doing this with my own kids when I first learned it. My boys are young adults now — 20 and 22 — but they were rascals. I started using this when they were about four and six, or five and seven.
Darlynn: 00:25:08 I remember telling them I would lay down with them, read to them, do songs, all of it — as long as they had their teeth brushed, their pajamas on, and were in their rooms waiting for me by the time the timer went off. I had a little egg timer set to ten minutes.
Darlynn: 00:25:28 I'd go lay down on my bed, where I could see the hallway, so I could watch all the shenanigans. They were cuckoo — not listening at all — because they had no reason to believe me. I had only ever parented them by yelling and threatening, and here I was suddenly being firm and setting real limits, and they just weren't buying it.
Darlynn: 00:25:48 When the timer went off, I went in calmly and said, "let me look around — who's in their pajamas? Not you. Not you. Okay, looks like we're not having books tonight." Then I'd scaffold a little: "well, we're not going to have books, but I will have time for songs as long as..."
Darlynn: 00:26:07 They started to realize I was serious, and they started to get the program. It didn't take that long — maybe a week or ten days of doing this consistently — before, when I'd say "time to get your pajamas on, you guys can have books as long as you beat the timer," they'd rush to do it.
Darlynn: 00:26:27 I know you're probably thinking, "yeah right," but no, it's true — that's what happened. The first time, though? Nope. Big feelings, emotions, plenty of disobedience. And honestly, that's kind of the point.
Darlynn: 00:26:48 I want them to experience the negative impact of their behavior, because that's how they learn — through failure, not through being perfect. Following through on your limit means actually letting your child not have the books, the stories, the open door, or you laying down with them — whatever the thing was that depended on them following through.
Darlynn: 00:27:08 Now I want to give you a warning: when the condition isn't met, especially in the beginning, expect a meltdown. You get to soothe and have compassion for your child when they make a mistake, even though you're the one who set the consequence in the first place. It's okay if they're sad, mad, or disappointed — they might cry or yell.
Darlynn: 00:27:37 It's normal to have a negative emotion when you experience a negative consequence. Don't be afraid of their feelings — they'll pass. But don't give in, either.
Darlynn: 00:27:57 If you have a big-feelings cycle going and you usually read three books, but you want to move the moment forward, you can say, "let's make a deal — I'll do one book as long as you lay quietly on your bed starting right now." You can move things toward what you want by being a little flexible, especially in the beginning, because you don't want that big meltdown.
Darlynn: 00:28:17 I want you to rescue just a little bit — maybe 50%, maybe 20% — give them a little of what they need to soothe, especially early on in using this formula and setting these routines. Just trust that if your kid doesn't beat the timer, they don't get the extra book. If they melt down, that's okay — it's going to happen, and it's genuinely hard to sit through at bedtime because everyone's tired and you just want it to be over.
Darlynn: 00:28:37 But when you expect the meltdown, you can stay calmer and connect better by saying, "I hear you, you really wanted that book, it's hard to stop playing. I know — but I think you're going to do better tomorrow. I really do. Can I give you a hug? Can I lay down with you for a minute?" You can still be sweet and kind, especially in the beginning. You don't have to be firm right away — you're teaching this routine, and you're learning alongside them too.
Darlynn: 00:29:07 You can still co-regulate without giving in. After a few times of experiencing the consequence within that limit, your kid is going to start to realize it's in their best interest to listen to you. They won't need to be afraid of you. They will trust that what you say is true, and they'll know that what you say goes.
Darlynn: 00:29:27 They'll feel more safe and more supported. I've said this before on the podcast: little kids know they're little kids. They know they're not supposed to be in charge. They know they don't understand time, or money, or how cars work, or how the microwave works — they know they don't know stuff.
Darlynn: 00:29:47 They want you to be in charge. But of course they also want to be in charge, because they're human. When you're in charge and you're calm, you create that authority within yourself, and your child knows they're safe and being taken care of.
Darlynn: 00:30:08 Now, this is a question I get all the time: what do you do if they don't listen and bedtime runs really long? Especially in the beginning, your kids might not care about books, might not care if you lay down with them. It can get a little chaotic. I want you to think about the impact their behavior has on you.
Darlynn: 00:30:28 When your child's bedtime behavior causes a problem — it runs late — what does that mean for you? It means you aren't getting the time you need to recover from your day, to reset for the next one, to tidy up, prep breakfast, prep lunch, prep clothes, do your chores, or just rest. It's an actual, practical drain on you when bedtime runs late — it zaps you of time and energy you need to function.
Darlynn: 00:30:57 If your child's bedtime routine ran long because of their misbehavior or a meltdown, I want you to feel free to follow through with a consequence for that extra time and energy. This is why I have the "correct" pillar in the Connected Parenting Process — it's the consequence piece, and it's there to teach your child personal responsibility.
Darlynn: 00:31:18 With correct, you give your child the opportunity to repair, restore, or resolve the impact of their behavior. This is how you teach your child to become responsible for their behavior without using shame or pain — and it's also how you teach them the connection between their behavior and the impact it has on others.
Darlynn: 00:31:47 This is part of the values and skills piece — teaching your kids how to be in a community. That's where this fits within the Connected Parenting Process. I call this concept restitution: when your kid's behavior creates a problem for someone else, they have to repair back the time, energy, or whatever the impact was on that person.
Darlynn: 00:32:07 We have compassion for their feelings, and compassion for why they behaved that way — we understand, and we help connect their behavior to their insides. But we also need to connect their behavior to the outside world. We need to show our children how their behavior affects others, and we do that through restitution.
Darlynn: 00:32:27 Let me give you an example to help this land. Imagine bedtime ran long — a meltdown, negotiating, the whole thing — and by the time your kid finally falls asleep, you have no time or energy left to pack for the park playdate you'd planned for tomorrow.
Darlynn: 00:32:46 My kids and I always went to the park on Wednesdays after school. So imagine there's a meltdown on Monday or Tuesday night. The next day they ask, "are we going to the park today?" and I say no, because bedtime took so much energy last night — I don't have the energy to put everything together, so we're staying home instead.
Darlynn: 00:33:06 It's not a punishment — it's actually just the truth of what happened. I literally have less capacity. Now, I use this example, but a lot of parents say, "well, doesn't that punish me too? If they go to the park, I get to run around and it's better for me too." Fair — great, don't use that one then.
Darlynn: 00:33:26 Don't take away a privilege that's actually inconvenient for you to lose. But I will tell you that sometimes you're going to have to take a preferred activity away from your children in order for them to learn the impact of their behavior — and it will cause an inconvenience to you too.
Darlynn: 00:33:46 The short-term inconvenience of one or two missed playdates or missed park times is so much more valuable for years of smoother bedtimes. I promise the impact will transfer, and you'll get better bedtimes if you follow through with a few consequences that create some short-term problems, for you or for your kids.
Darlynn: 00:34:05 That's an example of removing a privilege or taking something away. A lot of parents take away screen time, and that's fine — but I think we should be creative and think about other ways our children can understand the connection between their behavior and its impact.
Darlynn: 00:34:25 If you wanted to take away screen time, you'd say, "last night we watched TV before bed and bedtime went really late, and I don't want to worry about that happening again tonight, so we're not going to watch a show tonight." You're connecting the behavior from the night before with today's impact, and you can be as creative as you want.
Darlynn: 00:34:45 We can remove a preferred activity, or we can have our child restore back our energy by doing something kind for us. This might look like, "you know what, this week I've waited 40 minutes for you to go to bed, or get out of the shower, or get your pajamas on" — it doesn't have to be exactly 40 minutes, just some amount of time that makes it a little more real for your kid.
Darlynn: 00:35:15 You say something like, "this week I've waited an extra 20 minutes every night at bedtime because you're not getting out of the bathtub, or not getting your pajamas on, or you keep being silly right when it's time to turn off the lights. When bedtime gets delayed, I don't have time at night to do my own chores and get to bed on time. So since I waited 20 minutes for you this week, you can do four chores for me today."
Darlynn: 00:35:45 And you're welcome to your privilege activity — watching TV, going to a friend's house, playing outside, whatever it is — once you've finished those chores. Now, parents always ask me: what kind of chores? I like simple things that don't require my attention.
Darlynn: 00:36:05 I like to teach parents to have a little basket of cleaning products that feel safe for their kids to use. Set it up somewhere in the kitchen, laundry room, or a closet, and have your kids get the basket out and clean the windowsills in your house, or the light switches, doorknobs, or bathroom countertops.
Darlynn: 00:36:35 Another idea is cleaning walls — little kids are so dirty, so your walls probably are too — and cleaning baseboards is really good. You can also have them carry clothes to the proper bedrooms, put extra clothes away, or clean up the car or the backyard. I want you to be thinking about creative things your kids can do around the house that you don't really need done, but are kind of nice if they get done.
Darlynn: 00:37:05 I kind of miss those days, honestly — I used to have really clean windowsills and baseboards, and now that my kids are older, I don't get those consequences anymore, so I have to clean them myself. It's actually nice when your kids do stuff around the house. So let's do a couple of troubleshooting ideas.
Darlynn: 00:37:25 If your kid is consistently not keeping the limit, expect that in the beginning — they're learning. Missing the limit isn't a sign that it's not working; don't give up. It's a normal, expected part of your kid building this new skill and connecting these dots. The younger your kid is, the longer it will take.
Darlynn: 00:37:45 Or if you haven't done a bedtime routine before and you have, say, a nine-year-old, you might be in for a couple of weeks of real pushback, because they loved the old way. What happens when your kids are overtired or undertired?
Darlynn: 00:38:05 If your kids are overstimulated, if screens are too close to bedtime, or you've been out and about — this is airing at the end of summer, so it's still kind of bright out — their brain is pumping adrenaline and cortisol, which can make it harder for them to fall asleep. So watch for that window.
Darlynn: 00:38:24 If you miss it, it might make the whole routine harder. You may have to be a little less firm that night and just delay the consequence to the next day — you don't necessarily want to create a big meltdown or hold a hard limit that evening, but you can still address delayed bedtime and misbehavior with active restitution or by removing a preferred activity the next day.
Darlynn: 00:38:44 Your child might also have real fears at bedtime, or a real need to talk to you. This is especially true from about age five to seven — kids start to remember their dreams, they have nightmares, and they develop a new awareness that things can hurt them.
Darlynn: 00:39:04 That's when you start to hear "I'm scared" and things like that. So don't be afraid of doing your monster spray, laying down with them, dragon-scale sand, whatever your little tricks are. I have an episode on sleep struggles that goes into a bunch of tips for handling that — I'll link it in the show notes.
Darlynn: 00:39:24 Just be aware that your kid will sometimes need a little extra love and attention, and it's not resistance to the limit — it's a separate, real fear. It's worth naming and comforting, using the connection tool, and maybe some emotional coaching, giving them perspective, asking a question like, "well, how do you know you're safe? What do mom and dad do to make this house safe at night?"
Darlynn: 00:39:44 "Did you know our dog is really loud? Did you know that if anybody came into this house, we would know? Do you see those fire alarms? That's why we have those." You can give them facts to help soothe that anxiety.
Darlynn: 00:40:04 The last thing I want you to remember is that it's going to take a couple of weeks, like I said at the beginning. Don't look at misbehavior, or your kid failing the limit and not learning right away, and think it's not working. I've taught this so many times, and watched so many families have smoother bedtimes, that I know it works — I would not teach it if it didn't.
Darlynn: 00:40:24 So trust the process, and trust that your kid needs to experience the consequence before their own brain starts to decide in advance that it should listen and comply with your limits. Now, the good news — one of my favorite things about limit setting in general — is that if you do a good limit at bedtime and follow through with a real consequence, your child will start to connect, in general, that they should listen to you.
Darlynn: 00:40:53 You want your kids to know, deep down, that you're the leader in the family and that it's in their best interest to listen to you. And you want to be able to know that too — that you can tell your kid to stop doing something, and they stop. How do you get there? You get there by setting limits and following through, in a couple of areas of your life — mornings, evenings, screens, homework, food.
Darlynn: 00:41:13 These are the friction points in a family. Your child starts to realize, "oh wait, there are consequences in my life — if I don't do what my parents ask, something happens." That connection is everything for having a kid who listens without you yelling, which is what you all want.
Darlynn: 00:41:33 You want your family to have kids who listen to you without you yelling at them all the time. So here's how you get there: you set the limits, you let your kids break the limit — fail — and you hold it by following through with the consequence.
Darlynn: 00:41:53 If they get upset, you stay calm, and then you follow through the next day, or the next few days, with a real-life consequence so they can connect those dots. So this week: start small. Pick a limit. Don't worry about the next-day consequence yet — just try the limit-setting formula.
Darlynn: 00:42:23 Try setting some boundaries around bedtime, and watch your child really learn and grow. Eventually, I promise, they will learn that it's in their best interest to listen to you, and you won't have to yell — which is our big goal, right? So that's it for today's episode, and I will see you next week.
