Teaching Kids How To Make Good Choices | Confident Parenting Tools

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I think we can all relate to wanting our kids to be more responsible, have more self control, and make good decisions. Today, I'm talking about teaching kids how to make good choices (and it’s not as complicated as you might think).

Now, before you turn off this episode thinking, "Darlynn, I'm just trying to get through the day. I don't have time to teach all this stuff to my kids all the time," remember - you're teaching them stuff all the time anyway. My goal is to help you do it in a way that actually gets the result that you want. 

Connection Comes First

Here's something I see all the time: A child misbehaves, and the parent wants to address it and teach them something right away. 

The child probably then shuts down, gets defensive, starts blaming someone else, or reacts in some other difficult way. 

Wanting to deal with the misbehavior is the right instinct, but it's not the right timing. 

The reason that those conversations go sideways is not because your child doesn't care. It's not because they're a bad kid. It's because your approach to teaching them is not creating an environment that is safe enough for them to feel vulnerable, admit that they made a mistake, and to show up differently.

If you try to have a conversation with your kid about their behavior and they lie or shut down or try to blame someone else, this is a clue that they are still dysregulated. It's a survival strategy. 

At this point, your child is still in protective mode. They're worried that you're going to be mad at them, and their nervous system is reading that situation as a threat.

When you connect first and coach second, your child will become more responsible, more self aware, and grow up to be emotionally healthy. And you become the kind of parent that your kid actually wants to talk to. Pretty cool, right?

The Connection Tool is your go to tool whenever you see your child having an off-track behavior or getting really dysregulated. The steps of the Connection Tool are:

• Notice that your child is dysregulated.
• Narrate the behavior that you see.
• Name the feeling.
• Validate the emotion. 

Noticing (not judging) helps you look at your child's behavior through a more neutral and curious lens. 

Narrating the circumstance helps your child become aware of how they are behaving. It helps them feel safe and seen. Narrating and naming together helps your kid understand how what's going on on the outside is connected to what they're feeling inside. 

Validating, again, helps your child feel seen and understood. And validation is not the same as approval. You're not saying that the behavior is okay. You're just acknowledging that the way they're feeling makes sense. 

Kids naturally have a lot of big feelings. These steps all help your kid's nervous system start to regulate. It's soothing for them. 

When you wait until everyone is regulated and calm, when your child experiences you as this kind, calm, and compassionate witness, their thinking brain comes back online and they become more willing to admit mistakes.

Replace Lectures with Coaching Conversations

A coaching conversation is basically a replacement for a lecture. 

The truth is that lectures don't work. They don't actually move kids toward greater responsibility and greater understanding. Partly because parents typically skip the connection piece, and partly because you're talking at your kid rather than with them.

A coaching conversation, on the other hand, is a real conversation. A give and take. It's a dialogue that invites your child to participate and actually helps them learn. 

A coaching conversation has 3 main parts:

1. Reflecting on the behavior
2. Teaching why that behavior doesn't work
3. Practicing the new behavior

STEP 1: REFLECTING ON THE BEHAVIOR

Reflecting is where you're helping the child see the pattern of their behavior and helping them understand why it's happening. This is very similar to the "noticing" and "narrating" pieces of the connection tool. You're neutral and calm. Pointing out what you've seen. Be specific with the pattern you've observed. 

For example, "I've noticed that when it's time to get ready for bed, things get really chaotic around here." Or, "I've noticed that when I say no to something you want, it can be really hard for you to accept and you'll start crying or running away."

Reflection also includes normalizing and validating their struggle. Letting them know that it's normal for kids to struggle and what they're feeling makes sense. 

Then, ask them some questions. Continuing the examples above, you might ask, "Is it hard to stop playing and go to bed?" Or, "Do you feel mad at me when I say no?"

Really listen to their answers. It's helpful for you to understand where they're coming from, and it also helps them learn to do this kind of reflection for themselves. They start to build awareness of their own behavior and gain insight into why they act the way they do. 

STEP 2: TEACHING WHY THE BEHAVIOR DOESN'T WORK

This is where you really anchor into your role as the parent. 

Start by saying something like, "When I ask you to do something, I have good reasons. As a parent, it's my job to make sure you get plenty of rest so that you stay healthy." Or, "When I say no to something you want, I have good reasons."

Explain that part of growing up is learning to become responsible. You want them to learn to stop and think before they act. Then, move into the new skill and tool that you want to teach them. 

STEP 3: PRACTICE THE NEW BEHAVIOR

Practice using the new skill to work through a scenario together. 

The STAR Tool: Teaching Kids How To Make Good Choices

In this case, the new skill or tool that I want you to teach your child is the STAR tool. I love this tool because it gives kids a concrete process to follow in moments when they need to manage their behavior.

Here's how it works:

⭐ Stop
⭐ Think
⭐ Act
⭐ Review

STOP before you act, especially if you're frustrated or not listening.

THINK about the situation. What is being asked of you? What are you supposed to do? What will happen if you don't listen?

ACT. Make a choice about what you’re going to do and take action on it. 

REVIEW your choice. What were you asked to do? What did you do? Do you think that was a good choice? What were the impacts of your action? What could you do differently next time?

Once your child learns this tool, you can remind them to "make a STAR choice". If they're acting out or not listening to you, you can use this as a simple cue for them to stop and think. 

Here’s what it might look like to practice using this new tool with your child:

"Let's practice STAR together. Imagine tomorrow we're getting ready for camp, and I say, 'Finish up your breakfast and put your plate on the counter.' What does STOP mean in that moment? What are you being asked to do? You're being asked to take your plate to the counter. What do you want to be thinking when Mommy says to do this? You want to be thinking, 'I should make a STAR choice.' And then what do you actually do? And then what happens if you don't listen? What are the consequences? Right, we'll be late. You'll miss out on the morning game."

This isn't a quiz. It's more of a role play. You can make it silly for little kids or use puppets or stuffed animals. With older kids or teens, you might act a bit more like a peer and ask for their input. 

This week, I have a challenge for you. Pick one situation in your house where your child struggles. Maybe it's the morning routine, bedtime, or screen time transitions.

The next time things blow up, try the Connection Tool. Notice, narrate, name, and validate. Help them regulate and calm down, and see what happens.

Once your kid calms down, have that coaching conversation with them. Reflect on the pattern, teach them the STAR tool, and practice it together. 

You don't have to be perfect at this. You're learning, too. 

The powerful difference in these conversations is that you're not just telling your kid what to do. You're walking beside them, helping them figure it out.

That shift is what really changes how you interact as a family. You're there to teach and guide, not scold and criticize. As the parent, you are in charge. You're the leader. But you're there to help them become their own grownup.

You’ll Learn:

• The link between connection and coaching 
• Why lectures don't work (and what to do instead)
• The 3 steps of a coaching conversation
• How to use help kids make good choices and become more responsible with the STAR tool

Related Episodes:

• Episode 2.16: The Connection Tool [New & Improved]
• Episode 2.20: Preventing Meltdowns in the Long Term