Darlynn: [0:00] Welcome back to Become a Calm Mama. I'm your host. I'm Darlynn Childress. And today I want to talk about chores. I know as a parent, I always wanted my kids to do stuff around the house because I thought, well, that would teach them responsibility and it will also help me a little bit if they can learn how to do these things.
Darlynn: [0:09] And it's good, right? I just was like, it's a good thing to have my kids do chores. But then I found it to be really difficult to get them to do them. And to get them to do them well and to get them to do them when I wanted them to get done. And I know this is probably true for you.
Darlynn: [0:29] And what I see in my practice is that parents will often sit down and they'll make a chore chart and they'll have a family meeting and they communicate to the kids what their chores are. Everyone agrees and they've got a list on the refrigerator or wherever it is. And then the next day, inevitably nothing gets done. Your dog has not been fed, the dishwasher has not been loaded or unloaded, the bed is not made, the towels are on the floor, and it's really frustrating as a parent. And then you go back to your kid and you remind them and you tell them, hey, you haven't done this, why haven't you done it?
Darlynn: [1:09] You start asking them what's going on. You maybe do a lecture, you have a big conversation about it, you're frustrated. And maybe they go do it right away, which is great. But at the same time, you're like, why do I have to remind them? This is so frustrating.
Darlynn: [1:19] Shouldn't they just know already how to do it and when to do it and just to do it? Why do I have to remind them? And that can be so irritating to us.
Darlynn: [1:29] Then the other thing that happens a lot of times is they just don't do them. You might tell them to do them. Okay, I can't do it right now. I have to leave for soccer practice. Or, oh, I haven't had my snack yet.
Darlynn: [1:39] And they delay and complain and gripe. And the whole thing makes it like not worth the effort, right? You get to the point where you're like, I could have just done this myself so much faster and been much less frustrated.
Darlynn: [1:59] So then you end up doing it, but you're resentful, right? You feel angry with your children. You feel angry with yourself. You feel like you're raising these entitled kids. And you're also still the one who's doing all the work and they're just like playing or laying around or whatever it is that they're doing.
Darlynn: [2:19] So I want this episode to be really practical and useful for you so that you don't run into that remind-rescue-resentment cycle. Because this is what I often see with parents is that they don't quite know how to get their kids to do their chores. So they end up just reminding them, reminding, reminding them. And that is really rescuing them from the experience of not doing it because a lot of us don't have a consequence model in our family.
Darlynn: [2:39] So the consequence is just being nagged at and being frustrated with. And then you feel resentful that either you're like looking like the actual problem, like you're the mad mom that's always yelling at your kids for not doing their work. And, or you're resentful that you end up doing it anyway.
Darlynn: [2:59] So I want to get you out of that trap of rescuing, feeling annoyed, feeling resentful, and then also just having to do everything because it can be so irritating to get our kids to do their chores. But in this episode, what I want to do is help you get an understanding of how to get your kids to do chores, how to build a habit. That they then internalize that habit and the chore becomes automatic. I want to remind you that you have already taught your kids how to do many, many things over time. You've taught them how to use silverware, hopefully, right?
Darlynn: [3:38] You've taught them how to get ready for bed, especially if you went back and listened to the bedtime episode. You have taught your kids all sorts of different habits. And in this episode, we're going to talk about creating the habit of doing chores and how to do that using the limit setting formula.
Darlynn: [3:59] So how this episode is going to go is I'm going to first talk about why chores matter. I want to sell you on the idea of chores. I want to make it so that you feel like it's worth the effort, even in the short term, if it's frustrating, that in the long term, the payoff will be really powerful and good and beneficial to your kids and to you.
Darlynn: [4:18] So I want to sell you on why chores matter. I want to help you avoid some of the pitfalls that parents make when it comes to implementing a chore routine and talk about these common mistakes and how to avoid those common mistakes. We're going to talk about what chores are good for your kids age by age so that you have a general idea of what you should be doing. Because I think it's really confusing what kids can do and when and how they can get those things done. Like what age is appropriate?
Darlynn: [4:48] Yeah. And then we're going to talk about how to create the habits of doing chores using the limit setting formula. I've taught the limit setting formula many times on this podcast, especially over the last few weeks, because I've been doing this very practical series on getting your kids out the door in the mornings, working on bedtime routine, having screen time boundaries.
Darlynn: [5:08] So different episodes that are focused on creating routines using that limit setting formula. I'll review the limit setting formula in this episode and help you understand how to use the limit setting formula to build the routine that makes chores become a habit. And then I'll give you some troubleshooting when chores go sideways. When your kid doesn't do it, what are you supposed to do about it? When your kid complains, what are you supposed to do about it?
Darlynn: [5:37] When your kid does the chore badly, what are you supposed to do about it? I'm going to give you an overview of how to troubleshoot when your chore routine plan starts to have some problems. I think this episode is really gonna be useful. I'd actually love for you to take notes because this is almost a masterclass on how to get your kids to do their chores.
Darlynn: [5:57] So let's start with why chores actually matter. The first is the practical benefit to you. In the beginning of teaching chores, you will probably feel like it's not worth it, right? That like you could do it faster than teaching them how to do it. But I want you to imagine that you teach your children how to unload the dishwasher, say, or load the dishwasher, and they're 8 years old.
Darlynn: [6:26] And you teach them, maybe it takes you 3 months for you to get them to really understand the routine, to build that habit, to know when they're supposed to do that chore, either emptying or loading the dishwasher. And it maybe takes months for you to get it done. But now you have a kid who's 8 and a half, and they know how to do the dishwasher, how to manage that chore. And you are gonna have that kid in your house for an additional 10 years. Imagine having somebody load and/or unload the dishwasher for you for 10 years.
Darlynn: [7:06] Would that be a benefit to you? Would that be a practical benefit? Would it lighten your load? Yes, it would. My kids are young adults and they don't live with me anymore, and I actually miss their contributions that they made to our home because it was really great when I had kids who brought in the trash cans every Wednesday, when I had kids who took the trash out, who took the recycling out, who emptied the dishwasher, who loaded the dishwasher.
Darlynn: [7:36] Who wiped down sinks, things like that. I liked having that. So having the kids do stuff actually will make it so that you don't have to do so much work, which is great. But there's another benefit that is not to you. It's a benefit to your child when they do their chores.
Darlynn: [7:55] We've always heard that chores are really good because they teach personal responsibility or they teach responsibility. And that is true, but there's this other underlying benefit of doing chores, and that is the sense of belonging, the sense that you matter, that you, your life is important, and that your contribution to your family is pivotal. When a child has that belief in themselves, then they have a greater sense of wellbeing.
Darlynn: [8:24] Another benefit for doing chores for your kids' emotional health is that they gain a sense of autonomy. They are in charge of something. They're responsible for something. They have power over how the vacuuming gets done. They have power over how to bring in the trash cans.
Darlynn: [8:44] And it seems kind of silly, but it's actually true that when your kids contribute to the family, it gives them a sense of power within themselves. Like, yeah, no, I know how to do that. I feel capable. I feel like I belong. I matter.
Darlynn: [8:53] And I have some control and power in my life. It also helps your children have that core need for appreciation be met. When they do something that's meaningful and you appreciate that contribution, it gives them that sense that they are valuable, that they are a valuable contributor to the family. The family depends on them, that they are needed, that they belong, right? When a child feels like they have a purpose in their family dynamic, they are much more likely to feel better about themselves and also feel better about how they fit in with the rest of the world.
Darlynn: [9:32] So having your kid have an identity within the family with a responsibility within the family does bleed over into other areas of their life where they start to feel really capable and confident and important and that they matter. So we have this emotional benefit to our children. We have this practical benefit to our children. In the short term, doing chores is annoying. Teaching your kids chores is frustrating.
Darlynn: [10:02] Getting that rhythm and that routine and that habit established is a bit of a heavy lift. I'm not going to ignore that. I'm not going to pretend that that's not true, but I am going to suggest that it's always worthwhile, both for you practically and for your kids emotionally. If you want to build responsible, resilient kids who know that they belong, who feel like they matter, who don't feel invisible in the world, give them visible tasks within your family so that they know that what they do and what they contribute matters, and it's important, and it's vital. Just like we think about them, they matter, they're important and they're vital.
Darlynn: [10:41] Let's externalize that value by giving them power over some sort of task in their lives. I hope that helps you really believe and buy into the idea that you should give your kids chores and do this process to get them to develop that habit of completing those tasks so that you have that practical and emotional benefit. Before I get into all the how-to and what to do, I want to talk about some of the mistakes that parents make, the pitfalls that happen when it comes to teaching our kids how to do chores. The first is reminding. In general, this is a form of rescuing.
Darlynn: [11:21] I'm gonna teach you how to not do that using limits, but it can feel like you're helping by reminding your kids, but it actually is making it so that you're doing all the thinking. So with responsibility, we have to actually hand the responsibility of the thing to our kids in order for them to feel the sense of responsibility. But if we're the one managing it in our minds, then our kids are going to not think that it's their job. They're going to think it's your job.
Darlynn: [11:51] So the more you remind, the harder it is for your kid to believe that it's their responsibility. Now, in the beginning, of course, you are going to need to build a limit around the chore. And it will look a little bit like reminding. I'm gonna give you a better language so it doesn't just look like, do your chore, do your chore, do your chore. We're gonna use the limit setting formula where it's like, hey, you can start your homework once you have emptied the trash can.
Darlynn: [12:11] Some sequencing of events, putting one thing ahead of the other so that your kid starts to realize, oh, I've gotta go do my chore and then I go do this next thing. So I'm gonna teach you how to do that. But in general, reminding does take away the power of getting that kid responsible for their thing.
Darlynn: [12:31] Another mistake that parents make is doing it themselves without having your kid have any consequence for that. So you have a system where it's their job to empty the dishwasher at some point in the day. And I'll talk to you like about when and how to do that, but imagine that that's their responsibility. And then you remind them a little bit and then they don't do it. And then you just be like, well, I'm going to do it, but look at this.
Darlynn: [12:51] This is so annoying. I have to do your chores. Or you just do it. You don't ever talk to them about it. You're just seething or resentful inside.
Darlynn: [13:01] You try to let it go. You're like, well, whatever. I'll teach it to them tomorrow. And when you do your child's chore without handing that mistake back to them, it takes away the opportunity for them to learn.
Darlynn: [13:21] So we use restitution in this connected parenting process that I teach. So that your child knows that if you have to do their chore for them, that means that they need to do a chore for you, or they need to pay you for your chore. They need to pay you for your work that you did to do their work.
Darlynn: [13:41] So that gets me into, do you pay for chores? A lot of times parents connect allowance with chores. So you get your allowance if you do these chores. And I actually separate the two. I do talk about this in my allowance episode, which is episode 151 from season 1.
Darlynn: [14:00] And that episode was released on December 11th, 2024. You can go back into the show notes or listen to the archives where I talk all about allowance and how I approach allowance. Allowance is to teach financial literacy. And it is separate from teaching responsibility. Chores are there to teach personal responsibility and a sense of belonging.
Darlynn: [14:20] So we don't pay kids for chores. They have chores. They are expected to do those chores. If they don't do those chores and you have to do that chore, then they need to pay you for your time, or they need to do a chore for you.
Darlynn: [14:40] So we have a restitution model in this parenting philosophy, so that if you have to do your kids' work, they have to pay you back. So the money conversation is slightly different in tone. We don't pay our kids for chores, but they have to pay us if we do their chores.
Darlynn: [15:00] So I hope that makes sense. Another mistake that parents make is they just start yelling at their kids. Like, they're just like, clean up! You never help me do anything! This house is a mess!
Darlynn: [15:09] You're so frustrating. Like, you expect me to do everything and there's just a tyrant lecture. So the consequence is really your anger and you're yelling at your kids. There's not really a practical consequence. It's an emotional consequence.
Darlynn: [15:29] And that emotional consequence makes our kids feel bad about themselves and makes them less likely to do what they're being asked to do, which is not what we want. We want our kids to feel like they matter and that what they do is important. And when they don't do it, there is a logical consequence for not doing that chore. And we follow up with something and we stay calm even when they are not doing what they're supposed to do. And I'll talk more about that in the troubleshooting section.
Darlynn: [15:59] The last pitfall is sticker charts. I think sticker charts are very good for a really short window of time, maybe a week or 2 weeks, to get your kids in a short-term motivation to do something new. Sticker charts can be useful, but long-term they don't do what we want them to do because they focus on getting our kids to want the thing on the other side: the money, the sticker, the toy, the privilege. That long-term does not help us get our kids to be motivated internally. We want our kids to be able to understand that it's in their best interest to do their chores.
Darlynn: [16:38] It is what is expected of them, and when they do those chores, benefits happen to them, that they have benefits. And we want to teach them through the Limit Setting Formula what those benefits are. Or how we sequence events.
Darlynn: [16:58] So when you do this, you get this. When you want this, you have to do this. So it's not so much of a sticker chart situation. It's embedded in the family dynamic that the expectation is you do these things, and when you don't, there are logical impacts of that decision. Like I said, sticker charts can be helpful in the short term, but not in the long term.
Darlynn: [17:18] So to recap those common mistakes, we have sticker charts, we have paying for chores, we have yelling, we have reminding, and we have you just doing it without any consequence for you doing their chore. So I want you to avoid those mistakes and those pitfalls by using the limit setting formula that I'm teaching in this episode. Okay. Before we get into how to teach your kids how to do chores, I wanna talk about what chores are good for what age.
Darlynn: [17:48] So let's start with young toddlers, ages 2 to 3. What can they do? I want you to think about this age as having things to do that they are participating with the chore, but they're not competent in that chore.
Darlynn: [18:08] So we can't really leave a toddler in a room and say like, pick up all these blocks and, or clean up this room. We can maybe say very specifically, put all of these toys into this bin and I will help you. I will sit with you while you do it. I'll do one, you do one. Or they can wipe up a spill.
Darlynn: [18:27] Oh, looks like you spilled something. Let me help you. We can do this together.
Darlynn: [18:37] So they're doing a lot of the tasks. They're not like responsible for tasks. They are responsible for cleaning up their own messes and participating in some of the tasks of the family, but with your supervision.
Darlynn: [18:47] So they can wipe things up, they can pick up toys, they can put their dirty clothes in the hamper, they can help fill the pet bowl with your supervision, they can wipe down the countertop after they brush their teeth, they can learn to flush the toilet. Close the toilet seat. All of these small little tasks that go along with the grooming and hygiene and different habits you're teaching them. If you want your kids to always flush the toilet, then you wanna stand there after they go potty and you go, okay, did you do everything? I see one thing that didn't get done.
Darlynn: [19:27] What was it? Yes, flush the toilet. So you're teaching them how things go and you're really having them participate, but they're not completely competent. Ages 4 to 5, they can start to be a little more competent, but with your help.
Darlynn: [19:37] So we wanna hand them parts of responsibility like dressing themselves, making their own bed, bringing things from the car, setting or clearing the table, carrying light groceries, matching socks, hanging towels, sweeping the floor, like maybe with a Swiffer. You don't necessarily have like specific chores that they're responsible for at this age, but they are learning to participate and manage some things on their own, especially when it comes to their own hygiene, their own grooming, and their own things. So we're giving them the skill of grabbing all your stuff from the car and carrying it in and putting it here wherever you have the backpacks and putting their socks and shoes here and cleaning up after themselves and doing their own dressing independently, having them brush their own teeth, and then you come back through and check.
Darlynn: [20:37] So you're still participating quite a bit, but you're participating in a way that is giving your kids the tools, the physical memory of the habits that you're hoping that they create. Around age 6 and 7, that's when independence starts. That's when you can start to expect them to make their bed on their own, brush their teeth and their hair on their own, choosing their own outfit, getting completely dressed. They can have some real pet responsibility, depends on how you structure where the dog food is kept or the cat food, or however that's structured. If they can reach those things and they're strong enough to open the container and handle that responsibility, then you can hand that responsibility to them.
Darlynn: [21:16] They can also clean up their own rooms. They can fold some laundry. They can empty the indoor trash.
Darlynn: [21:26] So 7-year-olds can do it, especially if you help them take it out and you lift up the trash can top and they dump it in. So be thinking about your kid and how physically capable they are and what they can handle. For sure, a kid can carry their own backpack. For sure, a kid can assemble some of their lunch materials. If you want help, they can fill up their own water bottles.
Darlynn: [21:46] They can put their socks and shoes away. They can start to really handle some independence, some of those routines, and some extra chores. I think of this age as being really good for clearing off the dinner table, bringing everything to the kitchen after a meal. They can do some light prep, like grabbing chips from the pantry and putting them in a bowl. Having them participate in their meals, having them participate in cleaning up.
Darlynn: [22:15] You wanna start establishing those routines and seeing what they're capable of in terms of their body, like how tall they are and how strong they are. From ages 8 and 11, they're really becoming completely responsible for their personal hygiene. They're completely responsible for their homework, really. They can wash the dishes. They can maybe make some simple meals.
Darlynn: [22:45] Like putting cheese on a tortilla and putting that tortilla in the microwave. Or if you don't want them to use any appliances, getting their own cereal out, getting fruit and vegetables from the refrigerator. If you don't want them cutting yet, you haven't taught them how to use knives, don't have them use knives until you really taught them some safety. We want them to be able to make some simple meals. They can also clean the bathroom between ages 8 and 11, wiping down toilets, wiping down sinks.
Darlynn: [23:05] Wiping down mirrors. They can do yard work, some simple yard work like raking up leaves. They can use the washer and dryer between ages 8 and 11. You can teach them how to wash their own clothes, to start their laundry, to switch their laundry. They can be responsible for all of their laundry by the time they're 12 or 13.
Darlynn: [23:34] So ages 8 to 11 is when you're starting to teach that. They can take the trash to the curb. They can bring the trash cans in. They can take the trash in and out. Ages 8 to 11, it's such a great age to teach chores because they really want to be participating in the family at this age.
Darlynn: [23:44] And you don't have a lot of adolescence grumbling until maybe more closer to 11 or 12. So take advantage of the age between 7 and 10, because those are the age that your kids really want to prove that they're capable and they want to be helpful. Starting around puberty, adolescence, that's the do it without me in the room.
Darlynn: [24:04] So that's the age that you're really allowing your kids to be responsible for their hygiene, their belongings, changing their sheets, deep cleaning their room, doing family jobs like organizing the garage, things like that. They can be dusting, they can be vacuuming, they can be handling the bathroom, doing dishes. If you have a lawnmower, 12, 13, 14, they can start to mow the lawn. They can maybe babysit younger kids at this age. It really depends on whether or not, like, how big the gap is.
Darlynn: [24:43] Because if you have a 13-year-old and an 11-year-old, the 13-year-old's not really babysitting the 11-year-old. They're both managing themselves and they're independent. As teenagers, they are able to really manage themselves at this point, manage their bedroom, manage their belongings, manage their homework, their time. And they can do their assigned housework without prompting.
Darlynn: [25:03] So the earlier you start with teaching chores and building those habits, the easier it is at adolescence to hand over a lot more responsibility to your kids. At the very least, you want this age to be managing their bedroom, managing their belongings, managing their schoolwork, managing their hygiene, those kinds of things. This is tricky, especially with boys, there is an age where they start to care, but until that age happens, they can often not wanna shower, not wanna do personal grooming. They're not self-conscious yet, so they don't really care about whether their clothes are clean or dirty.
Darlynn: [25:42] So if you haven't been able to establish those habits yet by this age, you will have to be a little bit more on top of them and be monitoring whether or not they do their chores or not. And then of course, 16 to 18, they're able to drive, they're able to have jobs, they're able to apply for college. Like we're really starting to preview adult life. They're earning their own spending money. They're hopefully buying their own clothes, not all their clothes, but their extra stuff.
Darlynn: [26:02] They're maintaining that car. So we're giving them a lot of responsibility at that age and allowing them to prove that they're ready for the freedom of adulthood by having the responsibilities of an adult. And that's going to be some give or take some monitoring. They're going to make mistakes as they learn and figure it out. But for the most part, we want to have our kids be pretty independent by the time they're 17 or 18 years old.
Darlynn: [26:32] If I said something that you're like, wait, my kid's 10 and they don't know how to take the trash cans out, that's fine. I would not use this as like a benchmark to compare yourself to. I'm more giving you information about what a child is capable of so that you are able to increase the challenge to your kids. The purpose of all of this is so that you feel inspired and hopeful about what is possible, and then using the system that you're learning in this episode to create the habits that you want. It is never too late to start.
Darlynn: [27:01] It's never too late to start over. And if you feel like your kid is missing a certain skill or a certain capability, don't stress. Just go back and reteach it. If you have a 10-year-old who doesn't do anything, that's okay. We can teach a 10-year-old how to start doing things using the limit setting formula.
Darlynn: [27:20] So how do we do that right now? You're ready. You're like, I'm ready, Darlynn. I get it. I want my kids to do chores.
Darlynn: [27:30] I understand what they're capable of, and now I wanna know how to do it. So the first thing you need to do is you need to figure out what chore you want your kid to do. Be specific. Pick 1 to 3 chores that matches your kid's age or their capability. You don't have to do everything at one time, nor should you.
Darlynn: [27:50] If you overload your kid with every age-appropriate chore, you're setting yourself up for failure. That's not what I want. I want you to be successful.
Darlynn: [27:59] So pick one behavior. Maybe it is emptying the dishwasher. Maybe it is taking the trash cans to the curb or bringing them back in. Maybe it's every night checking whether the trash can is full and emptying it if necessary. Maybe it's checking every night that the recycle is done.
Darlynn: [28:19] Maybe it's more of a managing their own belongings behavior that you want, and you wanna create a better routine around coming in from the car and bringing their own things, putting their backpack away, their shoes and socks. Their lunchbox, their water bottle. If that's where your family's at, if you need to start there, start there. It's great because as you habit stack, as you create new behaviors and new routines, your kids will get more and more comfortable with doing the things that are expected and you'll be able to add more. They'll feel more capable.
Darlynn: [28:49] They'll feel more appreciated. They will sense that belonging. So you're building the routine, you're developing the habit, and then you're adding another habit. You're teaching one or two chores at a time. You're getting that routine established, making it so that it's a habit, and then you're going to add another chore to that routine.
Darlynn: [29:10] So that's how I want you to really be thinking about it, picking 1 to 3 things to start. Then I want you to think about when does this thing need to happen? Being specific is really important. If you're vague and you're like, sometime today I want you to empty the dishwasher, but you know that the dishwasher needs to be empty before dinner dishes get put away or before you start dinner or something like that, then I want you to think about the window of time it needs to be done is before 4 o'clock, before 6 o'clock, before we leave for school, before you go to soccer practice, or before you go to dance, or before you go to tutoring. I really want you to start to think about what the chores are and then when they need to happen.
Darlynn: [29:50] One thing I do wanna say is that sometimes when you want it to happen isn't necessarily the best time for your kid to do it. And I'll give you an example of this from my family. I realized that having my kids empty the dishwasher in the morning before school was creating a massive problem in my morning routine. I tried to create that as one of my 5 things that the kids did in the morning. And it just was a disaster because one kid would not get up.
Darlynn: [30:19] He was just so sleepy, right? Such a sleepyhead. He was the kind of kid who needed to roll out of bed, brush his teeth, put his school clothes on, and go to school. And he didn't even have breakfast. He was just not a morning eater.
Darlynn: [30:39] He was not a morning person. He is still not a morning person. And I didn't want to create all that friction every single day. What I realized is that the best time for my kids to empty the dishwasher was after school, which that meant that I needed to be comfortable during the school day while I was working from home to not have the dishes be put away. I needed to get comfortable with having those dishes in the sink and allowing that to be true.
Darlynn: [31:10] Like breakfast dishes and my lunch dishes were in the sink, and then the kids came home from school and I connected that they could have their snack. Once they emptied the dishwasher. So they would be emptying the dishwasher as I was preparing the snack, and then I would hand them their snack. Some days it was connected to a snack, some days it was connected to dinner, some days it was connected to bedtime, but whatever it was, they were going to empty that dishwasher that night. But it wasn't always on my timeline, and I needed to become a little flexible.
Darlynn: [31:40] So that it worked within the routine. Be creative about how you approach these things. Now, if you have 2 early birds and they're up and at 'em and you want them to empty the dishwasher in the morning, feel free to add that routine in there. I want you to feel empowered that you can do it, and you would just connect breakfast or connect leaving to school with that chore. And that would mean building back your routine using the morning routine episode and adding in any chores that you wanted your kids to do before school, and then teaching them that if they don't get that done and we need to leave and I have to do it, then that means you have to pay me for that chore.
Darlynn: [32:19] Or if I have to wait for you to get that chore done and you're late for school, you're gonna owe me time for my wasted time. So we always have a consequence built in for when our kids don't keep the limit. That consequence, that external consequence is actually the motivator that helps our kids overcome their own resistance. We're using logic, we're using cause and effect, we're using sequencing to teach our kids that it's in their best interest to do what we have asked them to do in the time that we ask them to do it. We're having the chore be connected to either a preferred activity or to just a sequence of events.
Darlynn: [32:59] So I come home, I put all my school stuff away. I empty the dishwasher. Then I have my snack. Now, if you have a kid who cannot focus and they get hangry and you want to have snack first, that's fine.
Darlynn: [33:19] Then you can connect the chore that you want them to do with the next desirable thing. So, hey, you can go play Lego. You can go outside. You can FaceTime your friend. You can, whatever the thing is that they want to do, or just the thing that happens next.
Darlynn: [33:28] You can start your homework. The funny thing about Limit Setting Formula and the limit setting language is that when you tell the brain that it can do this thing, as long as it does this thing, the brain wants to do it. If you tell the brain it has to do this or else, it gets into a threatened stress response and is less likely to do anything. The permissive language of the Limit Setting Formula is really helpful, meaning you can as long as.
Darlynn: [33:58] So looking at the sequence of your kid's day, figuring out what chore do you want, when do you want it, how can you connect it to the different activity, and that will be much easier for you to create your new chore habit. The goal is that the chore becomes a habit. That's what we're working on. Once it's a routine and the routine runs enough times, it's a habit, and then you don't need to remind, nag, threaten, consequence, it just becomes the thing that your kids do. It'll just get done.
Darlynn: [34:28] So let me talk about the limit setting formula and how to use it to create routines. So a command is go clean your room or take out the trash or empty the dishwasher or feed the dog or get your backpack. Now you can say it nicely. Get your backpack. Or you can say it neutral, get your backpack, or you can say it meanly, get your backpack.
Darlynn: [34:59] Okay? No matter how you say it, it's a command. And the brain responds to that command with either compliance or defiance. It either does it or it doesn't do it. And a lot of times kids and some adults are making decisions not based on logic.
Darlynn: [35:09] They're making decisions based on how something feels. If you wanna do it, do it. If you don't wanna do it, don't do it. That's an emotional way of making a decision. It's short-term and it's about pleasure and convenience and comfort in the moment.
Darlynn: [35:28] What we want is to get our kids to overcome that short-term discomfort for longer-term gain. So if I say to my kid, you can start a show as long as you've emptied the dishwasher and all your school stuff is put away. My child is much more likely to do the thing I've asked them to do because their brain is connecting. I get this privilege once I do this stuff I don't wanna do. The brain itself is more likely to overcome the resistance if it knows it's worth it for them.
Darlynn: [36:08] Now, sometimes if we're really mean to our kids and we're really harsh, it will be worth it to them to listen to us because it feels better to listen than it does to not listen. That's still an emotional decision. This is why parents are like, my kids only listen to me when I yell. That is because they are making an emotional decision based on how they feel about you and their place in the family at that given moment.
Darlynn: [36:38] So if they've decided that it'll feel better or they'll be better liked, or they maybe won't get in trouble, or that maybe you won't get mad at them if they do what is being asked of them, then they'll comply. That's what happens when you yell or raise your voice or act really firm or act really harshly with your kids is that they end up having an emotional reaction and they're basing their decision-making and their compliance because it feels good. When you use a limit-setting language, they do it because they're making a decision based on the future, what they're going to have or what they might not have if they don't do what's being asked of them.
Darlynn: [37:18] So limit-setting is different than commands or just stating what you want your kid to do. It turns your command into a sequence of events, if-then-that. So the formula for the limit setting formula is you're welcome to the next thing as long as the desired behavior.
Darlynn: [37:38] So the desired behavior in this example is the chore. That's the condition. So you're welcome to blank as long as the chore gets done. Now, a lot of parents are like, isn't that just a bribe? You're welcome to the TV, or you're welcome to FaceTime your friend.
Darlynn: [38:00] It is a bribe if you had no intention of doing that thing. But most of us have a sequence of events in our mind for our kids. We want them to get this stuff done and then they can go play. I don't know what your version of play is. We've talked about screens.
Darlynn: [38:31] Do you do screens in the afternoon? Do you not? You get to decide. If you do, then connect getting that screen time to the chores and the expectations you have. You can also make the thing that they're welcome to not necessarily a privilege.
Darlynn: [38:40] It can actually just be the next thing. So you can have a snack, as long as you can go outside, as long as you can start your homework, as long as you can go lay on your bed, as long as you can use your phone. So some things are privileges and some things are just what's happening next. I'm not opposed to making the thing that comes next motivational. Like, I'm not opposed to making it a privilege because I do think it does create motivation and we want our kids to want to do what we're asking them to do.
Darlynn: [39:20] So you can make it be screen time or a snack or going to their friend's house or dessert or watching TV. You can make the next thing be something that's desirable. It's not really creating a reward or a bribe because it is what is the routine in your family. It is what happens next. It is what they can do.
Darlynn: [39:40] The difference with the bribe is that you are trying to come up with something in your mind like, oh, if you do this, I'll take you to get ice cream. I don't want it to be like that. If you're planning to go to ice cream, then great. Say, hey, we can go to ice cream as long as you get this thing done. But if you weren't planning to go to ice cream, then it's a bribe and you're trying to get short-term compliance to happen.
Darlynn: [40:11] That's not what we're doing here. We're looking at our day and we're sequencing it and we're telling our kids, you can have this privilege either today or this weekend or whenever it is, as long as you get these things done. That's the limit setting formula all the time.
Darlynn: [40:21] So you're not manufacturing a reward. You're not manufacturing a threat. You're making a logical connection between this thing and that thing.
Darlynn: [40:31] So the same way that you can't eat dinner until it's cooked, right? That's a regular boundary in the world. Like, I'm welcome to eat this chicken once it's cooked. That's how things work. Like, I get what I get once these conditions are met.
Darlynn: [40:51] That is how things are. So we wanna be as logical as we can with our kids. So thinking about these patterns out loud. You're welcome to a snack once your laundry is in the hamper. You can have screen time as soon as the dishwasher's unloaded.
Darlynn: [41:01] You're welcome to go to your friend's house after your room is picked up. You can watch your show tonight once the trash is out. So again, notice these aren't threats. We're not like, do this or else. We're describing how the evening works the same way that gravity works or anything else, right?
Darlynn: [41:21] We're just saying this, then that. And now if your kid doesn't do it, what happens? They don't get to watch TV. They don't get to go to their friend's house. They don't get to have their snack.
Darlynn: [41:31] They don't get to have dessert. They don't get to start their homework even. And you might be like, well, no, don't they need to do their homework? Yes, but we're trying to create motivation so that, okay, fine, you don't do your homework, then you go to school, you don't have your homework, you miss recess.
Darlynn: [41:51] So that logical sequence of events is necessary for our kids to start to connect the dots of oh, I should do my chore so that I can do my homework so that I can do recess or so that I can get a good grade or so that I can not be embarrassed by my teacher. We wanna create enough experiential consequences so that our children learn that it's always in their best interest to follow the limits as I have laid them out. I like to remind parents that when you first start using the limit setting formula, or if you're starting a new routine and you're using the limit setting formula, A lot of times you'll end up in your old habit of barking commands. Hey, get your shoes on before you go anywhere else. Or I said, stop it.
Darlynn: [42:40] If you don't stop it, you're not gonna have blank. When that happens, which is inevitably gonna happen, you pause, you flip the script, you turn your command into a limit. So if you're about to say, you're not gonna get any books if you don't empty the dishwasher right now, you don't get to read to yourself tonight. Pause, flip it. Oh, remember, you can read books to yourself tonight as long as the dishwasher is empty by 8 o'clock.
Darlynn: [43:10] So you flip the script, you flip your command into a limit, and then you let that limit do the work so that you're not lecturing or reminding or nagging or threatening. A lot of times, parents say their command and they add a threat. And what's great is the threat that you're adding actually becomes the thing that they get, and the thing you're telling them to do becomes the condition.
Darlynn: [43:39] So instead of saying, you're not gonna get blank until you do this, you flip it. You get to have blank once you do this. So you're just flipping the language slightly. You're turning your command threat into a limit using the limit setting formula. And as you get used to flipping it, it will become second nature for you to communicate to your kids this way.
Darlynn: [44:00] The more limits you set, the more thinking your kid has to do, and the more logical their brain becomes, and the more likely they are to follow your limits in the future. This whole series that I've been doing on bedtime and mornings and homework and screens and chores, all of it works together. You do a couple limits in one area, your kids start to learn it's in their best interest to listen to you. They know you're serious. They do start to get the idea, if I don't empty this dishwasher, I'm not going to my friends on the weekend.
Darlynn: [44:38] They have to have a few experiences of that negative consequence. Now you don't have to do it in a way that's mean or harsh. When they don't have the privilege, when they're experiencing that negative consequence, avoid saying, well, I told you, I said this was going to happen. When we start to blame them for the consequence, we are defending ourselves from our own discomfort that we feel because they are mad at us and we want to turn their anger back on them. We don't want to take any responsibility.
Darlynn: [45:08] It is okay for your kids to be angry with you for their behavior. They are entitled to their emotion. We validate that emotion. Yes, I know you really wanted to go. I wanted you to go, but in this house, you only get to do privileges when you do your work first.
Darlynn: [45:27] I'm sure you're going to figure that out. This week, we're going to try again. You don't have to get angry with them and lecture them when they don't keep your limit. That actually minimizes it and it turns it into a blame game. I'd rather you be much more neutral and just be like, yes, this is how it works in this family.
Darlynn: [45:48] If you don't do your work, you don't get to play. Everyone wants that, right? They want their kid to like understand that concept. But how do you understand it? You fail.
Darlynn: [45:58] You don't do your work and then you don't get to play. And you do that a few times and your kid's gonna be like, I wanna play. And you're like, great, just do the work. And then they will.
Darlynn: [46:09] So here are some other things that come up with parents, like troubleshooting-wise. The first is that you may find yourself angry if you notice that a chore is not done. That is very normal. I want you to feel valid, right? Especially if you feel like you've already taught this 100 times.
Darlynn: [46:29] And regulate your emotion. Give yourself some compassion. Remind yourself, I'm teaching them a lesson. This is fine. This is part of the process.
Darlynn: [46:39] They're not entitled spoiled brats. They're little kids who are still learning, or they're big kids that are still learning. It's okay.
Darlynn: [46:48] So you're catching yourself, you're taking that calm break, you're aligning with your values of I don't wanna yell at my kids. You're labeling your own feelings and then you're moving your mind or you're moving your body. In order to not activate and yell at your kids. Once you feel a little bit calm, it is okay to restate the limit. If you notice that a chore isn't done, you can go over to your child calmly after you've taken a little calm break and reset yourself and say, hey, I noticed that the toys aren't cleaned up yet, or the dishwasher's not been empty.
Darlynn: [47:18] Remember, you can have blank privilege. As long as that's done. Now, what if your child's already starting to play? They've already turned on the TV. They've already started to do Lego or play dolls or do something like that.
Darlynn: [47:38] You can let them know, listen, you're gonna stop now. Remember, you can come back and do this as long as you get that done. So you're gonna restate that limit, especially in the beginning when you are helping them manage that new chore. Now, what if they're like, no, I don't want to stop. Don't worry about it.
Darlynn: [47:58] I'll do it later. Right? You get a lot of protests and they don't do it at all.
Darlynn: [47:58] So if they don't do it at all, here's what you're going to do. You're going to just do it for them. You could even say, it looks like I'm going to have to do it because it needs to get done now. Are you sure you want me to do it? And I'm like, yeah, whatever.
Darlynn: [48:18] Yes, please. Right? And then you, if you want to, you could say, just a reminder, if I do your chore, you have to pay me money. And they're gonna look at you like, wait, what? You can say that or you can just do it for them.
Darlynn: [48:28] Either way is fine. You go, you empty the dishwasher, or you feed the dog, or you clean up dog poop, or you make a bed, or you put their laundry away. Like you do their chore for them. You go outside and you bring the trash cans in, you take the trash out, whatever it is. You get their backpack from the floor and you hang it up on the hook.
Darlynn: [48:48] You do their chore for them. Not mentioning it. You maybe say, do you want me to do this? You're not doing it. It needs to get done now.
Darlynn: [48:58] Are you going to do it or am I going to do it? You do it. Okay, great.
Darlynn: [48:58] So you do it. Then later, when you go to give them allowance, maybe their allowance is $5 and you go to hand them their $5, you hand them their $5 and they're like, yay. And then you say, actually, you owe me $3 because I did 3 of your chores this week. And then they hand you back money to pay you, and then they only have $2. That's how we use allowance and chores mixed together.
Darlynn: [49:29] It's not that they get paid for the chores they do, it's that they pay you back for the chores that they don't do. So the money is assumed they're gonna get it. They get $5, but they're in debt, so they owe you $3.
Darlynn: [49:39] So your kid can either pay you with time, or they can pay you with money, or you can have them sell something to you. So say they owe you $10. They don't have $10. They can do 10 chores, or you can make 3 chores that are worth $3 each, however you want to do it. Or you can be like, what do you have that's worth $10?
Darlynn: [49:58] And then they gotta find a toy, and they might give you the junkiest one ever, and you say, no, that's not worth $10. You gotta give me a good toy for $10. And then they're figuring out what to sell to you. And then you fake sell it to a friend, or you just pretend you sold it, and that toy is gone.
Darlynn: [50:18] Now I know some of you are like, wait, what is happening? You're gonna charge your kids for chores? You're gonna make them give you their toys? Like, you might be thinking this is so mean, so transactional, but I'm telling you that the more limit sets that you have and the more consequences you have for your limits that are neutral, logical, the less likely your kid is to not listen. If you want your kids to listen, they must have experiences of consequences, but those experiences need to be neutral.
Darlynn: [50:48] So again, if they don't do their chore, you do it for them and they pay you back. The last thing that can happen when you're doing chores is that your kid does the thing that you're asking them to do, but while they're doing it, they have so much negative emotion that they break something or they spit at you or they name-call you or they smack their sibling at the same time, or they do some behavior in their protest that creates a problem for you or for someone else. When that happens, I want you to clock it in your mind. You can even say, oh, we're gonna have to do something about that, but not now, cuz it's time to get that chore done.
Darlynn: [51:38] So you can say something if you can say it neutrally, but if you can't say it neutrally, don't say anything. Just notice that their resistance to the limit, even though they were complying, created a problem. Their resistance strategy created a problem. We delay and we consequence the problem that was created. Later, most likely with more chores, which is gonna make them crazy.
Darlynn: [51:58] But as you follow through and you make these consequences logical and you set these boundaries and you follow through on these boundaries, your child will learn it is in my best interest to listen to my parent, do what they're asking me to do, do it under the conditions that they're asking me to do. Because when I do that, it benefits me. Which is how your family works. When your kids participate, when they contribute, when they're easygoing, when they follow your rules, when they follow your directions, you are more likely to allow them to have privileges. It makes it easier to parent.
Darlynn: [52:38] It makes you in a better mood. It makes you more likely to say yes. It gives you more energy. It gives you more time. It gives you more of that calm mama juju that you want to give to your kids.
Darlynn: [52:58] So your kids will learn if you're neutral and calm, even while they're not listening, that there is a consequence later for not listening. They will learn it's in their best interest to listen. All right, mamas, this week, what I want you to do is to pick one new chore. Think about one thing that honestly you really wish your kids would do that would make your life easier, and then figure out when it needs to get done. Connect it to a different behavior.
Darlynn: [53:27] Figure out what they can have as long as they do that thing, right? Turn that chore into a limit. So instead of saying, from now on you need to make your bed, you can say, from now on I will read books to you at night as long as your bed is made. And then a couple of days, they won't be making their bed. No problem.
Darlynn: [53:47] No books. No problem. You follow through. And then over time, you keep restating that limit and it becomes a habit. Your kid gets up and they make their bed.
Darlynn: [53:57] So you're going to figure out what chore you want them to do. Connect that chore to a privilege or a desired activity or the sequence, this, then that. Connect that, communicate that limit, let them fail. And then try again the next day. Over the course of a week or 2, you will have a habit developed.
Darlynn: [54:17] You will have a chore that is developed into a habit, and then your kid will do that chore and it won't be a big deal. And then you can add the next one. So pick one, use the limit setting formula, follow through for a couple of weeks, create that routine, and then you can add another chore. I hope this was useful. I hope this was helpful.
Darlynn: [54:46] If you have any questions, you can DM me on Instagram @darlynnchildress. You can put a comment if you're watching on YouTube or Spotify or wherever you're watching. If you're on my newsletter, you can reply to the email that you received and I will get back to you. Thanks so much for listening or for watching, and I will talk to you next week.
