How To Help Your Kid Calm Down

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When we talk about raising emotionally healthy kids, a big part of that is teaching kids what to DO with their feelings. Giving them better strategies to manage their feelings than name calling, hitting, running away, or shutting down. Today, I’m talking about how to help your kid calm down in a really practical way. 

3 Ways to Calm Down

When the brain gets overwhelmed or feels threatened, it gets flooded with chemicals like cortisol and adrenaline. The best way to calm the nervous system is almost always to let the emotional energy out through the body, through movement. 

I like to think of movement in 3 categories: 

#1: Push it out. Push the big feelings out. I think of these as big, heavy movements. 

#2: Pull it in. Pull in a sense of comfort and soothing. These are quieter.

#3: Move it around. Swirl the emotion around inside your body to shake it up and get it unstuck. 

When you notice that your kid is dysregulated (e.g. they’re seeming a little “off”, having big feelings, or are in full meltdown mode), ask yourself…

“What do they need? Do they need to push it out, pull it in, or move it around?”

Use your child’s behavior as a clue to what they need. For example, if they’re hitting, kicking, spitting, punching, running away, yelling, they likely need to push it out. 

If you try something and it doesn’t work, no problem. Try another type of movement. You’ll start to see patterns of what works best for you and your child.

Why It Works: Co-Regulation

This thing that I'm teaching you is called co-regulation. Basically, your child is dysregulated. They are not able to catch their nervous system and bring it back online. So they need support from you in order to get back to baseline. 

If you can be a calm and regulated adult in that situation, then your child can “borrow” your calm nervous system. With your support, they will likely be able to move through a Big Feeling Cycle (aka meltdown or tantrum) faster. And once you have practiced these strategies together, you can help them to regulate before the train has fully left the station. 

One thing I want you to understand: Co-regulation is not easy.

There will be times when you aren’t able to co-regulate. You might find yourself getting dysregulated while this Big Feeling Cycle is going on. It might feel very hard for you to stay present in front of your child. That’s okay. 

If you feel like you need to escape, that's fine. Just explain. If you leave the room abruptly or in anger, it can feel like a kind of abandonment. So, say some soothing comments to them before you leave, like, “I'm gonna go calm my body. I'm gonna let you calm your body. I love you, and I will be back.”

If you’re judging yourself or thinking “I can’t handle this kid,” try telling yourself this instead: “In this moment, my child is dysregulated. I don't have the capacity to co-regulate. I'm going to trust that my kid's nervous system is able to manage itself.”

Because here’s the truth. Yes, we want to teach our kids healthy strategies to regulate and self-soothe. AND the nervous system is naturally drawn to finding a way back to balance. It may not always look pretty, but you can trust your child to get to a place of calm. You can trust that their body and their brain are going to get them to the other side of that dysregulation and get back to a regulated state.

How To Help Your Kid Calm Down

When your kid is in a Big Feeling Cycle, the first thing you want to do is look out for everyone’s physical safety. You’re not going to let your child regulate in ways that hurt themself or others. 

The value here is, “In this house, everyone stays safe.” 

For example, if your kid is hitting you, you can say. “In this house, everyone stays safe. You can be upset, you can have big feelings, but I will not let you hit me. I am going to get up and move away from you. I have to protect my body.” Then, calmly take a few steps back.

It’s okay to set some limits here. Like, “You can’t hit me, but you can hit this pillow.” Or, “I see that you need to move your body, so what are you going to do?”

Now, here are some more specific ways to use the 3 types of movement to help your kid regulate and get back to calm. 

Push it out

Some signs that your kid needs to push the feeling out include hitting, stomping, throwing things, or doing other big body movements. I picture it like a mini-Hulk. They have all this energy in their body and they want to get it out. 

Start by observing. What are they doing? Are they mainly using their upper body or lower body? This can help you direct them to a better alternative. 

Here are some of my favorite movements to try:

Carry something heavy. Give your kid the task of moving something heavy from one side of the room or house to the other.

A grounding stomp. Stand up and stomp your feet on the ground. I think of this like a dinosaur or an elephant would stomp - BIG! Adding rhythm to it is even better. Ask your child to copy the rhythm or that you do. 

Push out through their hands. Hold up your hands and ask your kid to push against them with their hands as hard as they can. If they’re too strong, or you have an injury, or you aren’t able to do this for any reason, they can also push against a wall. 

Bear crawl or crab walk on the ground. Choose a movement that is a bit challenging for them. 

If your child is hitting… instead, have them try hitting a pillow or clapping their hands really loudly. If they want to kick, let them kick a ball against a wall if you have the space. 

Give a choice. If your child is hurting other people, you may need to get them out of the room to keep everyone safe. One thing I used to say to my son is, “You can’t be in here because it’s not safe. I could drag you like a caveman, or you can walk and stomp on your own.” You're moving the child, but they're gonna have some say in how they move. Add a little play to it if you can. Ask them to pretend that they’re a dinosaur, caveman, pirate, snake, bear, whatever. Give ideas of how they can move their bodies in a big, aggressive (and safe) way. 

Pull it in

Pulling it in is about feeling cozy. These are going to be quiet, soothing movements.

Squeeze and release. Have your child squeeze their hands into really tight fists. Then release. Let go. Get floppy like a noodle. Talk them through squeezing and releasing their arms, their shoulders, their face, their belly, their legs, their feet, their whole body. 

Butterfly hug. Have your kid cross their arms over their chest in a hug and give themself a squeeze. Then, with their hands still on their shoulders, have them gently tap their shoulder left, right, left, right. 

Other soothing movements include wrapping in a blanket, coloring, hugging or talking to a stuffed animal, drinking water, squeezing a stress ball, or petting a dog or cat. 

What about if your kid is dysregulated in public? You can’t always find a quiet, cozy space. One thing to try is pulling them into you, giving them a hug, and saying something like, “You’re having big feelings in your body. Let’s figure out what to do with those feelings.”

Move it around 

These movements are more gentle than pushing it out. You're just moving them around a little bit, allowing a little bit of energy shift inside the body.

Shimmy shake. Have your kid put their hands in the air and then shake their whole body from their hands all the way through their chest, hips, knees, legs… all the way to the ground, and then shake it back up. You can pretend that you're shaking off the negative feelings like you're shaking off water from your hands.

Some other great ways to move it around are:

• Dance
• Do some jumping jacks
• Swing
• Rock

Remember that these movements come after you’ve already used the Connection Tool to notice, narrate, name, and validate. This is the regulate piece. This is the answer to, “Okay, I validated their feelings. Now what?”

Kids misbehave. They get dysregulated easily. They get overwhelmed and their nervous system misfires, especially if they're neurodivergent in any way.

Through the Connection Tool and co-regulation, you are teaching them the skills to self-soothe and regulate. You’re showing them healthy ways to cope with hard circumstances and uncomfortable feelings. And you (and the rest of your family) can learn to self-regulate right alongside them. 

You’ll Learn:

• Why movement is the best way to process big feelings.
• How to keep everyone safe if your child is hitting, kicking, or hurting
• 3 categories of movement that help kids (and adults) regulate their nervous systems
• How to use your child’s behavior as a clue to what their body needs

Previous Episodes:

• Episode 88: Co-Regulation During a Meltdown
• Episode 2.16: The Connection Tool