Get Out of Mom Guilt

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I want you to feel really great as a parent. I want you to get out of mom guilt and instead feel a deep sense of calm. This calm leads to confidence, compassion for your kids, clarity on what you should do, and so many other good things.

What I've noticed, though, is that when moms first come to me, they often feel really embarrassed that they are not already calm. This mom feels ashamed that she yelled at her kid or emotionally checked out or was a little bit too physical. She thinks she should know better or that something is wrong with her. 

If you can relate, I want to tell you that there's nothing wrong with you. Today, I’ll help you learn how to feel more calm and less guilt.

When You Don’t Feel Calm

You're human. You have a human nervous system and stress response. 

And raising children is stressful. Especially in the first 11 or 12 years, parenting is relentless. The waves keep coming and coming, and it feels like you never get a break.

Sometimes, you might be able to catch yourself before you totally lose it on your kid. This is a great time for a Pause Break. 

When you notice that you’re starting to take your feelings out on your child, just stop. Like you’re slamming on the brakes. It’s going to feel weird and sudden. You can say, “You know what? I love you, but I don't want to yell at you. So I'm gonna go wash my hands.” Then, go and reset. 

Other times, we don’t even realize that we are overwhelmed or frustrated until we find ourselves yelling and losing our sh!t. We act our feelings out on our kid. And then later, we feel really bad about it.

The truth is that, eventually, you always regulate yourself (or else you’d still be yelling hours later). Your brain comes back online, and you stop. The goal is to stop earlier and come back to calm more intentionally. 

How To Get Out of Mom Guilt

I see a lot of moms go into self-criticism with thoughts like, “I'm hopeless. I'm not like other moms. I'm not good enough. I'm not cut out for this.”

We have this subconscious thought that if we’re mean enough to ourselves about how we acted, we can shame ourselves into behaving better. 

But shame doesn’t motivate. Shame creates pain, which just continues the cycle. That’s why we don’t do it for our kids, and I don’t want you to do it to yourself, either. 

As a woman, and especially as a mom, it is so easy to be so mean to yourself. But all that ends up happening is that you feel really hurt, sad and discouraged, and then you take those feelings into the next encounter with your child.

When things escalate and you find yourself yelling before you pause, you don’t need to judge yourself for it. 

Instead, offer yourself the same compassion you offer to others. Just like we teach our kids, your feelings are okay. You might just need new strategies to handle your emotions. 

What To Do When You Lose Your Cool

Self-compassion is so important after you lose it on your kid. It's time to step back and give yourself a bunch of love. You always have permission to pause. Literally just stop parenting for a moment, and go take care of yourself.

Compassion is the way to move towards better behavior. It's a deep understanding of what was happening for you and a validation of that emotion. 

You can use the Connection Tool on yourself the same way you would use it with your child.

Narrate the situation for yourself. Give words to what was so hard. What was the circumstance that triggered your big feelings? Instead of criticizing yourself, you can just say, “So, this morning sucked. That's not how I wanted my day to go.” 

Name the feeling. For example, “I'm feeling really disappointed.” 

Now what do you want to do next? How can you take excellent care of yourself? How can you soothe your disappointment? How can you feel this feeling and let it move through you?

Find a small, soothing thing you can do for yourself that will make you feel a little bit better. When you take care of your emotions, you won’t dump that disappointment or frustration onto your kids. 

Becoming More Calm

Becoming calm is a process that requires a set of skills. It’s not something you are born knowing how to do.

In the beginning, you may not be able to pause and reset until after the fact. That’s okay. You don’t need to judge how fast you were accelerating or how long it took you to put on the brakes. 

You can still give yourself compassion, soothe yourself and then think about how you want it to go next time. How do you want to handle it differently? What limit do you need here? Is there a routine you need to fix?

After a while, you might catch yourself when you’re in the middle of yelling or lecturing. If you notice this, stop, and pause, that’s incredible. As you practice, you’ll notice the acceleration earlier and earlier. 

The long-term goal is to get to a place where you’re not needing to slam on the brakes. You can just ease off the gas and level things out more easily. This kind of calm is a deep sense of emotional regulation where your nervous system is really in balance and you’re able to move through your stress response without as many intense ups and downs. 

I want to free you from the shame spiral. It does not help you. It only hurts. And when you feel hurt, you’re more likely to hurt others. 

I want to offer you the gift of self-love. It’s okay to be kind to yourself, Mama. And things will get better when you do. 

You’ll Learn:

• Why it’s hard for you to feel calm (and it’s totally normal!)
• How getting calm is like learning to drive a car
• What to do after you lose it on your kid
• Why shame is not the way to change your behavior

Previous Episodes:

• Episode 2: Getting to Calm with The Pause Break
• Episode 8: Pause & Reset Your Body
• Episode 9: Pause & Reset Your Emotions
• Episode 10: Pause & Reset Your Mind