Coaching Kids Through Negative Self-Talk

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Sometimes, when kids have big feelings, they come out in the form of negative self-talk, especially if they’re feeling like they don’t belong, no one cares about them, or they just can’t get it right. Today, I'm talking about coaching kids through negative self-talk, so that you know exactly what to do when your kid says things like “I’m stupid”, “No one likes me”, or “It’s all my fault”.

We’ve all done it, and you’ve probably heard your kid talk negatively about themself, too. Things like: 

I'm stupid
I'll never be good at this
Nobody likes me
Everyone hates me
You love him/her more
You're always mad at me
I'm a bad kid 
No one cares about me
It's all my fault
I can't do it

As they get a little older, you might even see these negative statements come up around their appearance: I'm fat, I'm ugly, I don't like my freckles, I don't like my red hair, I don't like my dark skin, etc. 

Especially between the ages of 0-11, kids are building a set of beliefs about themselves. And as a parent, you want to guide them toward positive core beliefs. That’s what you’ll learn how to do today.

When Your Kid Expresses Negative Thoughts

It can be really hard as a parent to hear your child say these things about themself. At first, you might freak out a little bit and worry that your kid has anxiety, or they’re going to grow up to be depressed and have bad self-esteem. 

But here’s the upside - saying these thoughts out loud, narrating them, is much healthier than keeping them secret and holding them all inside their head. When you know what they’re thinking and struggling with, you can help them through it. 

Here are a couple of other things to keep in mind.

This is one specific moment in time. I often talk about parenting the kid in front of you. This is a great example of that. These thoughts and feelings are not who your child is. This is a moment in time. And it’s an opportunity for you to talk to them, coach them, and help them with their big feelings and their negative thoughts.

These statements are often general and/or exaggerated. When you hear things like, “I always,” or “I never”, it’s a sign that they are generalizing. This is a sort of extreme language. You can still validate that your child is feeling that way right now, while also holding the perspective that they won’t feel this way forever. 

Be careful about dismissing or minimizing. Often, when parents hear their child say something negative about themself, they laugh it off or say, “that’s not true”, or “don’t think like that”. It’s a bit of a tricky balance.

You don’t have to get into a full coaching conversation every time your kid says something negative, but you also don’t want to consistently dismiss your child’s negative self-talk. You’re looking for some middle-of-the-road parenting here, where you’re not freaking out, but you’re still staying attuned to where your child is.

If you’re not sure whether something needs to be addressed, look for patterns. If there is a certain statement or insecurity that keeps coming up, that’s when you want to dig a little deeper and do some coaching.

Coaching Kids Through Negative Self-Talk

When I use the term “coaching”, I simply mean that you’re offering your kid a different way to think. You’re teaching them how to think better thoughts. 

The first step (as usual) is to be sure that you and your child are both regulated and calm before you have a conversation about a thought. It is impossible to learn something new when you are in a Big Feeling Cycle. If your kid is mid-meltdown, they won’t be able to connect the dots or think logically. Connection always comes before coaching.

When your kid expresses negative thoughts about themself to you, they are looking to you for reassurance. This is one of those times when you being calm is super important. Your worry doesn’t help your kid. They’re going to borrow your state of mind, no matter what. So let’s make it a positive one that helps build their confidence and trust in themself. 

In these moments, your child needs to borrow your confidence in them. They need to borrow your belief that they are going to learn to love themselves and they're going to grow into a strong adult who can handle lots and lots of things.

The goal with a coaching conversation is to fill a skill gap. You’re trying to move them from one set of behaviors or thoughts to another. Toward more self-love, accountability, and maturity.

I think of coaching conversations as having 3 parts:

1. Reflect on what’s been happening. What did they say or do? What pattern have you noticed?
2. Teach. First, you teach why their behavior isn’t working. Then, give them a new skill that they can use instead.
3. Practice the new skill. 

Let’s walk through each step in a little more detail.

Reflect

There is no “right” time to start a coaching conversation. Maybe the thing you’re talking about happened a few minutes ago. Maybe it was yesterday or last week. The more important factor is that you wait until everyone is calm. Give yourself space to think about it a bit.

Some kids will want to talk about their thoughts and feelings with you. Some kids won’t. What’s important is that you give them the opportunity to reflect. And then you validate and normalize what’s going on for them. 

Here are some steps to guide you.

• Remind them of what they said.
• Ask them about why they think they said that. Give them time to reflect.
• Validate. Let them know that it’s normal to have those kinds of thoughts.
• Ask them how that thought makes them feel. 
• Ask them how they want to feel.

This last step is a big one, because kids have no idea that they actually have power over how they think and feel. What we're trying to do over the course of their childhood is to teach them that they have the power to change how they think about things. That they get to decide to think positively and feel better. 

It’s a big lesson: We can’t necessarily change our circumstances, but we do get to change how we respond to them. 

Here’s an example of starting a coaching conversation and going through reflection:

Earlier, I heard you say, “I’m stupid.” Do you remember saying that? What happened that made you say that? 

It's normal for people to have thoughts like that, especially when you're feeling overwhelmed or you're feeling sad or you're feeling a little disappointed. It makes sense that you would think that because you made a mistake. 

But guess what? When you think that way, does it make you feel happy or does it make you feel sad? Does that thought help you feel good about yourself? Or does that thought help you feel bad about yourself? 

How do you want to feel? 

Okay, well you can keep your sad thoughts, but what about if you tried to think of a different thought?

Teach

Here, you’ll continue teaching that your child has power over their own thoughts (and remember: you can’t force them to think positive thoughts). 

To do this, you’ll teach them the 3 C's of thoughts. You catch your thought >> check your thought >> change your thoughts

1. Catch. Identify the thought. What was I just thinking? “I’m stupid” feels like a fact, but it’s really just a thought. 
2. Check. Take a closer look at the thought. Is it helpful? Does the thought help you feel better or make you feel sad? 
3. Change. If you decide you don’t like the thought, and it is making you feel bad, replace it with a more positive thought. 

The new thought you choose doesn’t have to be the exact opposite of the one you are replacing. The positive thought has to be something that your brain will believe. Something that is useful and also true. 

Going from “I’m stupid” to “I’m smart” might be too big of a jump. You can use what I call a bridge thought as an in-between to get to a more positive way of thinking. 

For example:

Did you know that thoughts and feelings are like clouds? They come and they go. Negative thoughts are like rainy days. Positive thoughts are like sunny days. Sometimes it's raining, sometimes it's sunny. 

But sometimes a negative thought can get stuck in your head. And instead of just being a temporary cloudy day, it might become part of your everyday weather. Like a rainy day every day in your mind.

I don't think you want to have a rainy day in your mind every day, right? Do you want to have a sunny day or a rainy day?

Did you know that you get to choose if you want to have a lot of sunshine in your mind or a lot of rain? You get to pick thoughts that make you feel happy and more calm. 

I'm going to teach you a little thing called the 3 C's of thoughts. You catch your thought; You check your thought; You change your thought.

Practice

Try saying…

Do you want to practice this now? Okay, let’s practice.

What was that thought you said earlier? You said, “I’m stupid,” right? Let’s catch it. Okay, we got it.

Now, let’s check the thought. Is “I'm stupid” a helpful thought or is it a hurtful thought? Yeah, it's hurtful. 

So what can we change it to? What can we think instead? How about, “I make mistakes sometimes and that's okay.” Or, “I did my best, and that's okay. I'm still learning.” Or, “I'm figuring it out.”

The beautiful thing about this is that it becomes a part of your family culture. As a family, you can decide to improve the way you think about yourself and your circumstances. Your kids might even call you out when you get a little down on yourself, too.

I wish that I had learned how to do this as a kid. I didn't learn this until I was in my 40s, and I have benefited so much from being able to be in charge of my own thinking. I hope it does the same for you and your family.

You’ll Learn:

• What to do when your kid is having negative thoughts about themself
• When and how to have a coaching conversation, with a full real-life example
• How to shift to a more positive way of thinking using the 3 Cs of thoughts
• Why your child might be resistant to coaching or teaching (and what to do about it)

Related Episodes:

• Episode 2.20: Preventing Meltdowns in the Long Term
• Episode 2.16: The Connection Tool
• Episode 2.15: 3 Essential Beliefs for Emotional Health