Darlynn: [00:00:02 - 00:00:22]
Hey, welcome back to Become a Calm Mama. I'm your host, I'm Darlynn Childress, and I'm a life and parenting coach. And today we're going to talk about the first week of school. So here's how the first week of school typically goes. Your kid starts out pretty great, like they're excited, they have a good day, and then within a few days they start falling apart over a granola bar.
Darlynn: [00:00:22 - 00:00:41]
Or refusing to get in the car or suddenly hate— they say stuff like, oh, I hate my teacher. And they said teacher was so nice on Monday or Wednesday or whenever you started. And you're thinking, wait, what happened? Weren't we doing okay? Like, what was going on before and what has changed? And here's what I want you to know. Nothing has gone wrong.
Darlynn: [00:00:42 - 00:01:02]
This is just what the first week of school actually looks like. So this is my back-to-school episode and it's all about managing the first full week of school. Some of you might know it as the back-to-school shit show episode.
Darlynn: [00:01:02 - 00:01:21]
And I stand by that name because the first week or week and a half of school is rarely smooth. But I don't want you to hear shit show and think something's wrong. I want you to hear it and think, oh, this is what Darlynn said the first week and a half were gonna look like. This is what it kinda looks like basically for every family.
Darlynn: [00:01:21 - 00:01:41]
So today I'm walking you through what to expect, plus 2 tools that will help you get through the mornings and the meltdowns, so you can meet this week with confidence instead of confusion. Okay, so let me get into the 5 things that you might expect to see this week. And when I say this week, what I mean is that some of you start on a Wednesday, right?
Darlynn: [00:01:41 - 00:02:01]
Or like a half day on a Wednesday or a half day on a Thursday. So this might happen to you on Friday, or it could happen to you middle of the next full week. Or you could get this meltdown and all of this behavior that I'm gonna talk about at the end of the first full week. But just kind of within those first 10 days of school, you probably are going to have a meltdown of some kind and I wanna help you expect that and know what is going on with that.
Darlynn: [00:02:01 - 00:02:21]
Okay, here are the 5 things that you can expect to see somewhere between the first or second week of school. And the first one is that your kid might not warm up to their teacher right away. They might not like their teacher, especially with younger kids, or they might have liked their teacher the first couple days and then they don't like their teacher anymore.
Darlynn: [00:02:21 - 00:02:41]
And this is completely normal for a kid to be a little bit shy, a little quiet, or lukewarm about meeting a new teacher for the first couple of weeks. So it doesn't mean anything is wrong. It doesn't mean they have a bad teacher. It's not a preview of a bad year.
Darlynn: [00:02:41 - 00:03:00]
I want you to understand that these relationships that your kids have with their teacher, those are going to take time to build. Just like you would meet a new person and you're not quite sure, like, do you like them? Do you get along with them? You're kind of waiting to see what's this like.
Darlynn: [00:03:00 - 00:03:20]
And I also want to remind you that teachers come on at the beginning of the year sometimes really warm and then they get stronger, or they come on really strong and then they soften up, because they also have their own approach to the first week of school. So I wouldn't gauge the first week of school to determine whether or not it's going to be a good year.
Darlynn: [00:03:20 - 00:03:40]
Really, it's not indicative of what the whole school year will be like. The second thing I want you to look out for is that your kid is going to be exhausted. This is maybe the most important thing I want you to realize: even for a kid who loves school, likes sitting still, is okay with following instructions—
Darlynn: [00:03:40 - 00:04:00]
They know how to manage those social dynamics and they can take in all that information, that sensory input, it's still tiring for them. So, if you have a kid who has any sort of neurodivergence or struggles in school, it's really going to be obvious to you that they're working hard during this first week or 2 of school trying to figure out, what's going on here? What can I expect? Am I going to get in trouble? They might test some boundaries.
Darlynn: [00:04:00 - 00:04:21]
Even if you have a kid who doesn't do that, just expect them to be really tired. So that means that I want you to keep the after-school hours pretty light, like hold off on that big playdate or the elaborate first week of school outing. Don't rush into doing things like that, big back-to-school park playdates and things like that that kind of get drummed up.
Darlynn: [00:04:21 - 00:04:41]
If you feel like your kid can handle it, go for it, head over to the park or someone's pool party or whatever people plan those first week or two of school. But I want you to realize that you can also read your kid. If they seem really overwhelmed and kind of out of bounds, or they just are really tired, I wouldn't make it mean anything about their social skills or whether they're gonna make friends.
Darlynn: [00:04:41 - 00:05:00]
So don't put any pressure on any of those early events. Because really you wanna give your child the opportunity to get caught up with the new school year. So try to keep that first hour after pickup screen-free if you can, not because screens are bad—
Darlynn: [00:05:00 - 00:05:20]
But because moving straight to a screen after school makes it harder for their activated stress response to actually reset. So, this first hour after school, it's a good window to keep things low-key: connection, playing outside, hanging out, playing a game, playing cards, cooking something fun in the kitchen, no big agenda.
Darlynn: [00:05:20 - 00:05:40]
The third thing I want you to look out for is sibling conflict. If you have more than one child, the sibling conflict may spike. When kids are depleted from a full day at school, they often come home and let it all out, and siblings are an easy target.
Darlynn: [00:05:40 - 00:06:00]
So the antidote to that is special time—a few one-on-one minutes with each kid after pickup, doing whatever they want to do, no talking required. That individual connection with the child does more to reduce sibling conflict than any amount of refereeing or getting in the middle of their conflicts.
Darlynn: [00:06:00 - 00:06:19]
Just kind of giving them those one-on-one moments—the eyeball time that I'm going to talk about in a few minutes—is going to be really important. The 4th thing I want you to know about is that social stuff is going to come up. Friendships shift over the summer and kids aren't sure where they fit in a new class, at recess, who to sit with, and how the friend group has changed.
Darlynn: [00:06:19 - 00:06:39]
Even little ones can sense this—kindergarten, even preschoolers. So this shows up at every age from preschool through high school. Your job isn't to solve those social problems. It's to be steady while they figure it out.
Darlynn: [00:06:39 - 00:06:59]
So the more comfortable you are with your child's social discomfort, the more comfortable they'll be with it too. Don't get worried if they have friend issues or new conflicts come up. It's okay. You want to be confident that they're going to find their friends and figure it out.
Darlynn: [00:06:59 - 00:07:19]
Your kid is going to read your confidence as a signal for whether they're going to be okay. We want to communicate to your kids: yeah, you're going to figure out your friend group, it's new, don't worry about it. Now the last thing—you're not going to love this one—but I want you to expect misbehavior to escalate over the next couple of weeks.
Darlynn: [00:07:19 - 00:07:38]
Now this doesn't mean it's because you let them eat too much sugar over the summer or let them have too much screen time. It might be indicative that their nervous system isn't quite ready for all that stimulation of school. And remember, misbehavior is a form of communication—a way to cope with dysregulated emotions.
Darlynn: [00:07:38 - 00:07:58]
And so, your kid is going to be at capacity using all their coping skills at school, and they come home and just like the sibling thing, they let it all go. So, think of these after-school misbehaviors as big feeling cycles. Expect some intensity, expect them more frequently, expect them to last a little bit longer.
Darlynn: [00:07:58 - 00:08:20]
Because of the increased load they're carrying at school. So this is the time to work on your calm mama skills—practicing that calm break, doing the work you need to do to keep your nervous system regulated. It's going to be important because your child's behavior is going to escalate a bit over the next 10 days as they start school.
Darlynn: [00:08:21 - 00:08:38]
Now, if you haven't started school yet, you can go back to last week's episode and enjoy the last week of school—you do not need to rush it. But if you have already started and you're seeing this misbehavior escalate, don't panic and feel like you need to make all these new rules.
Darlynn: [00:08:38 - 00:08:47]
We're gonna talk about rules next week, but I want you just to recognize that they're in a big feeling cycle—they're working through their emotions. So it's expected. It's not a regression.
Darlynn: [00:08:48 - 00:09:08]
So let me give you a couple of tips to help you have less chaos during this first week or 2 of school. And the first is gentle handoff. This is something we do in the morning, because mornings deserve their own strategy—I'm going to do a whole episode in a couple of weeks about morning routine.
Darlynn: [00:09:08 - 00:09:27]
But the first thing I want you to think about when it comes to mornings is the transition that your child experiences: between you, your home, your car, your safe space that you've created—everything that you represent, right? Fun and safety and ease.
Darlynn: [00:09:28 - 00:09:48]
The transition into the classroom means that's the end of that stuff—it's unknown. They have to work hard. They have to manage their nervous system without a co-regulated adult there. That's a lot of pressure on them and an expectation, which is fine—they can handle it. But what we wanna do is give them the best leg up we can when we drop them off.
Darlynn: [00:09:48 - 00:10:07]
So I call this the gentle handoff. And here's the idea: your job each morning isn't to have the perfect lunchbox packed or to be exactly on time. Your job is to deliver the most emotionally regulated person that you can at that school gate.
Darlynn: [00:10:07 - 00:10:27]
And this matters because your child borrows your nervous system in order to regulate their own. So in the mornings, if you're frantic, rushed, or barking commands, your kid picks up on all that anxious energy and might carry it with them into the classroom—which is not what we want.
Darlynn: [00:10:27 - 00:10:47]
We want to keep our mornings pretty calm, even if there's a little bit of tiredness. I just want you to get them out the door without yelling, so that they can take in your calm nervous system and bring that into the school day.
Darlynn: [00:10:47 - 00:11:07]
So if the morning starts going sideways—there's spilled cereal, there's a missing shoe, someone forgets to tell you about a paper they need to bring back—the goal isn't to fix everything before you walk out the door. The goal is: how can I choose peace over perfection? How can I choose harmony over stress?
Darlynn: [00:11:07 - 00:11:26]
So that might mean putting your own stress on pause until after drop-off. It might mean saving the emails, the hard conversations, the to-do list, the anxiety—just figure it out later. Even if you forget something, even if you're running late, just kind of be like, it's okay, we're gonna get there.
Darlynn: [00:11:26 - 00:11:46]
Your only job is to get everyone out the door in a calm-ish state. And this looks different for every family—maybe you prep lunches the night before, or maybe you're someone who does better making decisions in the morning. There's no right formula, but the point is to build a routine, which I'm gonna teach you in a couple weeks.
Darlynn: [00:11:46 - 00:12:06]
Just to help you manage your mornings in a way that feels regulated. But in the beginning of the school year, you're not sure what your new routines are gonna be. You don't know what's gonna work. You might try some things and realize it's a disaster.
Darlynn: [00:12:06 - 00:12:26]
You might be attempting a new routine that you haven't taught your kids and it's not going well, and you're gonna probably get upset—like, you guys knew how to do this last year, what's going on? Well, they might've forgotten. It's okay. So try not to get stressed out that your routines aren't working or that you don't have the rhythm down yet.
Darlynn: [00:12:26 - 00:12:45]
Just get them to campus, even if they're late. Try not to yell and just deliver the most emotionally regulated human you can. And that's the gentle handoff. The other tip I love is eyeballs. I've taught this on the podcast before, and it's a really small practice that I would love for you to add this week into your routine.
Darlynn: [00:12:45 - 00:13:06]
It's basically this: you pick a moment where you actually look your child in the eye and say good morning, or hello, or I missed you—something like that. So in the morning when they wake up, or before you drop them off, or at some moment in the morning, I want you to take a second to look them in the eye and say, hi, how are you doing?
Darlynn: [00:13:06 - 00:13:26]
Or, hi, I love you, you're going to have a good day, I'll see you when I pick you up. Or if they just wake up: good morning, I missed you, I hope you slept well, how are you doing? When you pick them up: oh, I'm glad—I was thinking about you while you were at school, I can't wait to hear all about it. But actually make that eye contact with them.
Darlynn: [00:13:26 - 00:13:45]
One thing that is happening in this generation right now is that kids are not getting enough eyeball time. They're not getting their parents to look at them, because guess what—parents are looking at their phones, and it is creating neurological changes.
Darlynn: [00:13:45 - 00:14:05]
Because kids are wired to learn and grow and emotionally regulate through eye contact. So having a moment where you decide you're gonna do eyeballs is really, really good, because your kids need a time where they get your full attention. It doesn't have to be like 30 minutes—I'm just saying like a second, a couple of seconds.
Darlynn: [00:14:05 - 00:14:24]
That you look them in the eye and say, hello, I love you. It sounds small, but that moment of being truly seen tells your kid: I'm safe, I'm cared for, someone is thinking about me. And this matters at drop-off and it matters when you pick them up as well.
Darlynn: [00:14:24 - 00:14:44]
So drop-off time, reunion time—I want you to be able to make that eye contact. So after a full day of holding it together at school, your kid needs that beat of connection with you before anything else happens.
Darlynn: [00:14:44 - 00:15:03]
Not, did you remember your water bottle? Or how was your day? Or did you guys take any tests? Don't ask a bunch of questions first. Just gentle eye contact and say hello. And even if you have a teenager who doesn't wanna talk to you, that's fine—you just look at them and say, hi, it's nice to have you back in my car.
Darlynn: [00:15:03 - 00:15:23]
And if you are watching on YouTube, you can see that I'm smiling, right? I'm actually engaged in these eyeball conversations. I'm looking at your kid and you're like, hi, making that eye contact. So I don't wanna keep saying it, but it is very, very important.
Darlynn: [00:15:23 - 00:15:43]
Okay. One other thing I wanted to talk about is delaying discipline or delaying consequences. So one piece of this, like gentle handoff—we have eyeballs, we have emotional regulation—is to remember that mornings are not the time for discipline or hard conversations.
Darlynn: [00:15:34 - 00:15:53]
If something isn't working in your morning—you have a lot of dawdling, resistance, an argument—this isn't the time to lecture or correct or rehash it in the car on the way to school. This isn't how you want to send your kid into their day.
Darlynn: [00:15:53 - 00:16:13]
You don't want them to feel like mommy's mad at them or daddy's mad at them. We want them to go into the school day feeling loved and safe and cared for. So you can hold a boundary without a lecture.
Darlynn: [00:16:13 - 00:16:33]
You can say to them: wow, this morning hasn't gone smoothly, but we're going to talk about it—just not right now, because right now it's time to get shoes on. So you can connect first, narrate what happened, and let them know it's something you're going to work on as a family.
Darlynn: [00:16:33 - 00:16:53]
You're going to figure it out, you're going to set better limits, and you're going to work on it together. So I wouldn't want you to get right into consequences this first week of school for morning behavior, unless it's like someone's hitting somebody or throwing something—of course, then we want to do restitution or an act of correction.
Darlynn: [00:16:53 - 00:17:14]
But I want you to not get into super threatened mode this first week or first 10 days of school—really ever—but recognize you guys are in a transition and it's not gonna go perfectly, and that's okay. Allow for that bit of a shit show, whether it's with behavior or the routine, and be okay with it.
Darlynn: [00:17:14 - 00:17:33]
Recognize we're in a transition. So if for whatever reason you do have a morning where you get upset, don't worry—it happens. Just a simple repair: "Oh, I got frustrated this morning, that wasn't about you, I'm sorry, we're gonna try again tomorrow." You don't have to lecture or overexplain or shame—just take some ownership of your own dysregulation and move on.
Darlynn: [00:17:34 - 00:17:53]
Okay. I have a few more thoughts that will help you more than any strategy, and that is a mindset around the transition. So I'd love for you to think about this transition time. One of the best thoughts you can carry into this next 10 days is: this is a transition.
Darlynn: [00:17:53 - 00:18:13]
We are in a transition, and transitions are temporary. If you are thinking that thought, then you will not feel so stressed or overwhelmed or discouraged when things don't go well. Because this is not a preview of the whole year.
Darlynn: [00:18:13 - 00:18:33]
This is just a phase between summer and getting back into your routines. So being able to think, "this is a transition, this is temporary, it's gonna take time to find our rhythm," will help you stay calm. Give it 2 or 3 weeks before you judge how it's going.
Darlynn: [00:18:33 - 00:18:53]
And then remind yourself: I've taught them how to do this before and I can teach them how to do it again. If this is your kid's first year going to preschool or kinder, of course it's going to take a few weeks for them to figure it out. But if this is your kid's second or third grade, trust they're going to master this routine—they figured this out last year.
Darlynn: [00:18:53 - 00:19:13]
We all figured this out as a family. We can figure it out again. So doing that mindset work is so helpful, because you don't have to feel so overwhelmed all the time and frustrated with your children. You're able to think, yes, okay, this is good information about this week.
Darlynn: [00:19:13 - 00:19:33]
I'm looking forward to figuring out how to solve these routines in my family. This is temporary and I can figure it out. So giving yourself a little pep talk, a little mindset work, will help you. I hope this podcast episode has also helped you think about this being a transition—this is normal.
Darlynn: [00:19:33 - 00:19:53]
There's nothing gone wrong here. My kids aren't a disaster, I'm not a terrible mother. You don't have to be thinking those negative thoughts about yourself or your kids, especially in those first 2 weeks. This is just a time of transition and information.
Darlynn: [00:19:53 - 00:20:13]
And you need to be calm so you can look at what's going on and figure out how you can support your family and what routines you actually need to improve. So before I wrap this episode up, I do want to talk about something really explicitly, and it's about struggle.
Darlynn: [00:20:13 - 00:20:33]
Because the thing is, when your kids go back to school—especially if they have a teacher you don't like, or a friend group has changed, or their friends aren't in the same classes, or they're a little delayed academically and struggling—I want you to remember that struggle is valuable.
Darlynn: [00:20:33 - 00:20:53]
Struggle is not a sign that something's wrong. Discomfort is not a problem that you have to solve. I think it's really easy as moms and dads to look at our kids' situation, worry for them, and get scared for them.
Darlynn: [00:20:53 - 00:21:13]
And want to fix it, manipulate things so they get in the right classroom, with the right friend group, the right academic assignments—whatever it is that you want for your child. I want you to be careful not to bulldoze your way through or helicopter your way into their lives so much through your parenting.
Darlynn: [00:21:13 - 00:21:33]
Because what happens is then you are rescuing your children from struggle. You're rescuing your children from failure. You're rescuing your children from the thing they need in order to become the person they're meant to be.
Darlynn: [00:21:33 - 00:21:53]
We have to be uncomfortable in order to grow our skill in managing our emotions and managing setbacks and hard times. I want your kids to be strong and resilient, but that means they have to go through hard things in order to develop that emotional muscle.
Darlynn: [00:21:53 - 00:22:13]
That gives them the strength to become a strong person, someone who can handle conflict and overwhelm and disappointment. If your child is in the wrong environment and it's going to be detrimental to them, of course I want you to intervene.
Darlynn: [00:22:13 - 00:22:33]
But I want you to be less quick to think that something is a problem and more quick to be curious—what could go good about this? Instead of wondering what could go wrong here, ask yourself: how could this be benefiting my child? And when they are struggling, I don't want you to be dismissive of that.
Darlynn: [00:22:33 - 00:22:53]
I want you to use the connection tool: narrate their circumstance, name that feeling, validate that feeling, and then use regulation and coaching strategies to give them the confidence and the tools and skills they need to handle that negative circumstance. If we keep manipulating the external circumstance to make kids more comfortable, they miss the opportunity to get stronger.
Darlynn: [00:22:53 - 00:23:13]
So we validate their emotion, we help them regulate that emotion, we problem-solve through coaching—but we try not to rescue. That's what I think parents are pushing against, rightly so: we may have confused validation of emotion with trying to change the emotion.
Darlynn: [00:23:13 - 00:23:32]
We don't need to make everything comfortable. We can let our kids struggle. So just remember that your kid having a hard feeling doesn't mean you need to fix it, rescue them from it, or make it go away. Boredom, disappointment, social awkwardness, a rough transition—these are all uncomfortable.
Darlynn: [00:23:32 - 00:23:52]
And they're exactly where resilience and emotional regulation actually get built. Not from you smoothing it over, but from your kids sitting in it, with nearby calm coaching, having you help them get to the other side of it. So this week, when your kid says, "I hate my teacher," or they're melting down over something, or they say school is the worst—
Darlynn: [00:23:52 - 00:24:12]
You don't have to fix that feeling. You name it: "yeah, that sounds hard." And then let it be true, without rescuing them from it. Your job is to actually trust your children are capable of getting through something hard, and give them your confidence and support while they overcome it.
Darlynn: [00:24:12 - 00:24:32]
So here's a recap for this week. Expect some teacher shyness. Expect exhaustion. Expect sibling friction. Expect social wobbles. Expect misbehavior to tick up. None of that means anything has gone wrong—it means your kid is human and that transitions take time.
Darlynn: [00:24:32 - 00:24:52]
So for your mornings, focus on that gentle handoff—delivering a regulated kid, not a perfect lunchbox. Add eyeballs at drop-off and pickup, and save discipline for after school. And if you're losing it, reach for that calm break.
Darlynn: [00:24:52 - 00:25:12]
Catch yourself, move your body, move your mind by thinking thoughts like: this is a transition and we can get through it, and I can teach my kids how to get to school on time and manage after-school expectations. So give yourself this next couple of weeks to be in the transition.
Darlynn: [00:25:12 - 00:25:29]
Listen to the next few episodes of the podcast, because I'm going to help guide you through the mornings and the routines and the things you need to make your school life successful and flow easily with peace and calm. So you know what to expect for this next week, and you've got some tools to help you create that smoother transition. I wish you the best of luck, and I will talk to you next week.
