Make Mornings Better with the Gentle Handoff

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In today’s short and sweet episode, I’m giving you two simple strategies for better mornings (which I know you can use now that school is back in session!). 

When I think about a kid getting ready for school in the morning, I imagine that they are armoring up. No matter how great their school is or how much they love their teacher and their friends, school is stressful for kids. 

They have to think, listen, and deal with other kids (and their behaviors). They have to do things on a schedule that isn’t always the way they want it, and there are a lot of expectations on them. This isn’t a bad thing, but it is a lot of work for them.

So we want to help facilitate and support them as they get physically and emotionally ready for their day.

Strategy #1: The Gentle Handoff

The “handoff” is that moment when you drop your child off at school, daycare, camp, wherever they’re going for the day. 

From the time my kids were young up to this very day, my goal when I’m dropping them off anywhere is to deliver the most emotionally regulated human being that I can to that activity. 

That means that I have created an environment for my kids that is emotionally regulated. We’re not in chaotic, frantic, stressed energy. 

…Which means I have to be in my calm energy. 

Here are some ways to work toward a gentle handoff. 

Prioritize Emotional Regulation

Our kids borrow our energy. So whatever energy you’re in (chaotic or calm) will transfer to your child. 

The key to prioritizing your emotional regulation and your kid’s emotional regulation is to start your day gently.

Some simple ways to do this are:

• Spend a few minutes silently breathing when you wake up
• Stretch your body
• Make a cup of coffee or tea
• Delay checking email, social media, or the news if these are likely to stress you out

Delay

If possible, delay the other non-kid stuff until after dropoff. If messages, problems, or stress come up, tell yourself, “I’m going to have to deal with this. But I’m going to deal with it later, because my goal is to deliver the most emotionally regulated person I can to school today.”

Know Your Cues

We all have cues that we’re getting dysregulated. When you know what yours are, you can pause before things get too far off.

Some of the clues I see when I’m getting dysregulated are:

• Talking a lot
• Barking commands
• Getting quiet and just barreling through, trying to do everything on my own
• Physical tension or sensations in my chest and belly (these signs tend to come later)

Yelling is also a good indicator that you’re dysregulated. Because if you’re yelling, you’re not calm. Period. 

If you have a rough moment or yell at your kid. see if you can do a little repair on the way to school or while you’re waiting for the bus. You may not be ready to take full accountability, but just recognizing that you lost your cool will help. 

Try saying something like, “Whoa, sorry. That was a rough morning. I got out of control of my emotions a little. We’re going to do better tomorrow.”

Say Goodbye

I know this isn’t always possible, but when it is, little kids really benefit from having you park and walk them toward the school. It slows things down and lets their body and brain catch up with what’s happening. 

And it gives you one more chance for connection. A little squeeze and an “I love you.”

Even when dropping off in the carpool lane, make sure to say a goodbye, let them know you love them, and want to hear all about their day later.

Strategy #2: Eyeballs

Eyeballs is about the reunion - when you and your kid come back together after being apart. This includes when you see them for the first time in the morning. 

Eyeballs is pretty much what it sounds like - look your child in the eyes, smile, and greet them. 

Kids often feel invisible. They feel like we forgot them or we don’t care about them. Your child is longing for connection with you (yes, even middle schoolers and teens). So, it can be really powerful just to make eye contact and say, “Good morning, I missed you,” or “Hi, how did you sleep?”

This connection and engagement is what makes the gentle handoff work. 

Handling Morning Misbehavior

Using these strategies does not mean your child will never misbehave in the morning. And the goal of emotional regulation does not mean that discipline goes out the window. You just want to be intentional with how you do it.

This isn’t the time to let frustration take over, dump all your feelings onto your kid, and bring up ALL the behaviors. 

Instead, use a strong voice and say something like, “This morning is not going well, and we’re going to talk about this. But right now, it’s time to get socks and shoes on.”

Be firm and let your child know that the behavior is not working. But then delay - delay the conversation and the consequence. If you get into correction, it’s not going to set your morning up for success. It will only create more chaos, frustration, and dysregulation. 

You won’t be perfect at this. That’s okay. Especially at the beginning of the school year, things will be forgotten, big feelings come up. It’s a big transition. And it’s a good time to say, “Yep, we’re all learning. We’re figuring it out. No problem.”

You’ll Learn:

• The most important thing about mornings
• How to make a gentle handoff to school, daycare, or camp
• What to do first when you see your kid in the morning
• How to get back on track after a rough moment