The Empowerment Dynamic

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Today on Become A Calm Mama, we’re continuing our conversation from last week about The Drama Triangle. This week, we’re diving deeper into a healthier model, The Empowerment Dynamic (TED). 

In this model the roles shift from…

Victim → Creator
Persecutor → Challenger
Rescuer → Coach

In this episode, you’ll learn HOW to actually switch roles and shift into this healthier dynamic. This is one of those episodes where you may want to grab your journal, answer some questions, and work through where these roles are showing up in your own family. 

Shifting Into The Empowerment Dynamic

We all take on different roles at different times. It’s normal to switch between them (even within a short period of time). But my guess is that there are a couple that you do most often. The challenge for you is to figure out how you act and why.

Victim → Creator

Becoming a Creator is about getting creative with how you want to respond to life’s challenges. It is inevitable that we will all experience sadness, pain, and misfortune. But you get to choose the way you look at and respond to these obstacles when they arise.

The Victim has a “poor me” mindset. They don't really believe in their own power. They don't take responsibility for the circumstances that they find themselves in. They feel very helpless and trapped, doubt their own capabilities, and look to others to solve their problems for them.

You can see how it would be easy for our kids to fall into this role. They’re young, and little, and they do need our help. But there are ways to provide that help and guidance without being a helicopter parent or bulldozing a smooth road for them (which does nothing to help their self-confidence).

If you think you or your child might be in a victim mindset, ask:

• Do you feel helpless?
• Do you feel like you have power here? Like you can do something about this situation?

In the Empowerment Dynamic, we want to shift from the role of Victim into the role of Creator. This shift develops resilience and confidence.

The Creator wants to create and be their best self. A creator thinks things like, “I'm good enough. I get to choose how to respond to my life,” and, “I am capable. I have the ability to take care of myself,” and, “I can trust myself. I know that I am worthy of trust.”

You can help your child make this shift to believing in their abilities by affirming that:

• I know you are strong.
• I believe in your ability to figure this out.
• This is hard right now, but I know you’re going to be okay.

Don’t bypass the feelings. Validate their emotion, show your support, and ask, “What do you want to do now? How do you want to handle this?”

If you are in a victim mindset yourself, think about how you can get what you want in a healthy way. Think about times in the past when you have overcome challenges and feel gratitude for your strength in those moments.

Persecutor → Challenger

The shift from viewing someone as a Persecutor requires you to look at them from a more neutral place. Rather than seeing them as “the bad guy”, you see the circumstance as a challenge that you can overcome.

And if you are showing up as a Persecutor, this shift has a lot to do with accountability. Rather than judging and blaming others, you have to be willing to look at where you can challenge yourself to improve. 

The Persecutor operates from the thought of, “They did something wrong.” They often show up as aggressive, judgmental, the bully. They blame or belittle others, they demand things. They may be spiteful or scornful. The Persecutor doesn’t want to take personal responsibility, so they respond with criticism rather than compassion. 

If you aren’t sure if you’re in the Persecutor role, ask yourself, “Am I blaming someone?”

The Challenger is still assertive, but it has more of a leadership energy behind it. Challengers encourage themselves and others to step up and grow so that they become the best person they can be. 

Where a Persecutor has a lot of guards up, a Challenger is confident that they know what needs to happen, while also recognizing their own shortcomings.

Challengers believe that:

• Every person is going to make mistakes, and that’s okay.
• We can overcome our mistakes.
• We are meant to learn and grow.

As a parent, you might become your child’s Persecutor when you feel like they need to see that they’re wrong - something is their fault, and they need to take responsibility. You might want to criticize, shame, or punish in order to change the child’s behavior. 

As a Challenger, you would step up as the leader of your family. Set firm boundaries and look at the behavior as a skill gap - not something that is wrong with your kid. You take responsibility for your own actions and the way you communicate with others.

There are a few keys to making this shift:

• Build trust with others - Ask questions, seek help, and show your own vulnerability.
• Get curious - Try to step into the other person’s shoes and wonder, “Why are they behaving this way?” 
• Slow down - The Persecutor is quick to react. When we slow down, we can pause, listen a little bit more, have a little more tenderness, and move out of that Persecutor role.

Self regulation is really important here, as is the ability to be clear about your expectations, boundaries, and limits. If you’re feeling angry, it’s usually a clue that you didn’t set up a good limit.

Rescuer → Coach

As parents, our goal is ultimately to work ourselves out of a job. We want to teach our kids enough skills that they eventually don’t need us anymore. In order to do this, we need to let them practice solving their own problems.

The Rescuer’s main thought is, “Let me help you.” In parenting, rescuing looks like being permissive, overly helpful, or intervening or meddling in their relationships with siblings or your co-parent. You’re trying to prevent pain or fix problems for your child.

Further, if you need to be needed by your kid, then you’re going to end up keeping them in a Victimized role so that you can rescue them. You view them as helpless and needing to be saved. This is not healthy for either of you.

The question to ask yourself here is, “Am I trying to save someone?”

In order to shift to the role of Coach, you must step into the belief that the person you’re rescuing already has innate wisdom to solve their own problems. 

The Coach believes that we all have good ideas inside of us. Their job is to empower the other person to create the life that they want. 

When you have this belief, you can begin to listen and ask questions to guide your child. Try questions like:

• What do you think about that?
• What do you think would be the ideal solution?
• If you could wave a magic wand, what would you do?

Then, communicate, “I care about you, and I know you are capable.” You’re listening, not solving. You’re empowering the people in your life by giving them the confidence that they can handle it, they can do it for themselves.

You can also use these messages on yourself when you are in Victim mode and feel like you need rescuing. Remind yourself that you are capable, and you have all the wisdom you need to solve your problem.

When you repeat the same thoughts and beliefs over and over to yourself, they start to come true. Why? Because you look for evidence, you find it, and it reinforces that belief. When you’re stuck in the Drama Triangle, you see and experience more negative circumstances because you are actively seeking them out.

Instead of using this against ourselves, we can use The Empowerment Dynamic to strengthen our confidence and belief in ourselves. When you look for the positive, look for proof that you can handle hard things and come out the other side, you’ll find more positivity and strength. 

You’ll Learn:

• Unhelpful stories that you might be telling yourself right now
• How our thoughts and beliefs become our reality (and how to use this to your advantage)
• Questions to ask yourself to determine which roles you fall into most
• How to shift yourself and your family from drama to empowerment
• Which roles I default to most and why

Resources:

• Episode 187: The Drama Triangle 
• The Power of TED by David Emerald
• Episode 4: Setting Limits That Work
• Episode 41: Boundaries & Limits