The Drama Triangle

Follow the Show

Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Everywhere else

Today, we’re digging into the concept of the Drama Triangle (which you can probably guess is something you don’t want to be stuck in). I’m talking all about what the Drama Triangle is, how it shows up in parenting, and some strategies to get yourself and your family out of drama and into a place of empowerment and resilience. 

What Is the Drama Triangle?

The Karpman Drama Triangle (named after psychologist Stephen Karpman) describes how we often adopt one of three unhealthy roles when attempting to resolve conflict: 

1. The Victim feels powerless and wronged—“Someone’s hurting me and I need help!”
2. The Persecutor is the “bad guy”—the one blamed for being harsh, critical, or causing pain.
3. The Rescuer swoops in to “save” the Victim from the Persecutor, solving everyone’s problem—but often at their own expense.

Overall, the Drama Triangle is maladaptive - meaning that these roles are not actually helpful for conflict resolution or family dynamics. 

How the Drama Triangle Shows Up at Home

Maybe your oldest is always “the troublemaker” (Persecutor), your youngest is constantly “getting picked on” (Victim), and you’re forever running interference (Rescuer). 

Or maybe, after a particularly tough bedtime, you feel like the Victim—powerless over your child’s tantrums—and wish your partner would “rescue” you by stepping in.

Over time, these patterns teach our kids to rely on others to solve their problems, or—worse—internalize harmful labels as “the bad one” or “the helpless one.” And as moms, we sacrifice our own needs for peace that never really lasts.

Here’s the tough truth. When we fall into these roles, nobody wins.

Victim

If a child (or anyone, for that matter) is repeatedly put into the Victim role, we take away their belief that they can solve their own problems. We let them think that they are helpless and that they are trapped and that they cannot do for themselves. They look to their Rescuer to solve problems for them, which is a really disempowering place to be. 

Persecutor

A Persecutor often blames others for their actions. Instead of responding to problems with helpful behavior, they often respond with judgment and criticism.

When we remember that feelings drive behavior, we can see that the Persecutor is the one who is actually in pain. The one who needs support. But we often don’t give that support to the Persecutor. We go to the Victim instead. So the Persecutor stays stuck in that pain and that role. They start to feel like the “bad kid”. 

This is common with older siblings, aggressive kids, kids with ADHD or neurodivergence, and parents who aren't emotionally regulated. And because they are treated like the problem, they feel very isolated and disconnected. They’re trying to get control by putting someone else down, but that isn’t really empowerment. And it doesn’t make them feel good.

Rescuer

The Rescuer is doing the Victim’s dirty work. A lot of moms find themselves in this role, and it ultimately creates a codependent dynamic where everybody's turning to you, and now you're the rescuer of everybody and you have to solve all the problems and fix everybody's issues all the time. It’s exhausting, and it leads to resentment.

Plus, by rescuing our kids, we deny them the opportunity to learn how to advocate for themselves. You find yourselves in the same situations over and over because you haven’t actually given them the skills and opportunities to problem solve and take care of themselves. 

And here’s another twist: You might cycle through all three roles in a single afternoon! Maybe you start comparing yourself to others and saying, “My kids are so poorly behaved,” or, “I can’t keep my house looking organized and tidy.” You become your own Persecutor and put yourself in a Victim position. Then, you might rescue yourself by bingeing a TV show, scrolling on your phone, or eating a bunch of junk food. Yep—that’s the inner Drama Triangle!

The Way Out: The Empowerment Dynamic

Here’s the good news: You don’t have to stay stuck. In his book, The Power of TED, David Emerald reimagined the Drama Triangle as The Empowerment Dynamic, where each dysfunctional role is transformed:

• Victim → Creator
• Persecutor → Challenger/Challenge
• Rescuer → Coach

Here are a few of my favorite strategies to get yourself out of the Drama Triangle and into Empowerment.

Awareness is Everything

You can’t change what you don’t notice. Pause and move yourself into the center of the triangle, where you become an observer. Observe yourself. Observe your kids. Become aware of the dynamic that's happening. When are each of you stepping into the different roles of the Drama Triangle?

Spend time in meditation, journaling, walking, stretching…just being in your own thoughts. The work here is all about getting in touch with yourself and becoming a compassionate witness of your own behavior and the role you're playing. 

I can’t tell you how many years I spent as the Rescuer in my own family, especially between my husband and my son. I thought I was protecting my child, but actually, I was denying both my husband and son the opportunity to build a real, resilient relationship. My “good intentions” actually undermined the growth of everyone involved. And recognizing that—though painful—was my first step out of the Drama Triangle.

Seeing Challenges as Neutral

One of the most powerful tools is to depersonalize the Persecutor. Instead of seeing your partner or child as out to get you, reframe it: “This is a challenge in my life. What can I do about it?” This perspective gives you back your agency.

Coaching, Not Fixing

We want our kids to be able to solve problems for themselves. You don’t have to let go of feeling needed by your child and your family. Your role simply shifts from Rescuer to Coach. 

When an issue comes up, you can coach them through it - help them put words to what’s happening and show them how they can take responsibility and have conversations to solve the problem. You help them build up their belief in themselves that they can handle challenges and obstacles. 

I played the Rescuer in my family for a long time. And I’ve also felt like a Victim for much of my life. It has taken years of work for me to get to a place where I’m not always on guard, vigilant and ready for a Persecutor. I’ve learned that I don’t have to view myself as in danger and disempowered. I can actually see myself as the creator of my own reality and have trust that when challenges come up, I have it within me to deal with them. 

The Drama Triangle robs us—and our families—of true empowerment. But when we shift into the Empowerment Dynamic, we teach resilience, problem-solving, and authentic connection.

You are not powerless, mama. You, too, are a creator. Your kids are creators. Let’s commit to stepping out of the Drama Triangle—one empowered choice at a time.

You’ll Learn:

• What the Drama Triangle is and why you don’t want to get stuck there
• Examples of how the Drama Triangle shows up in families
• A new model to help you shift out of the drama and into empowerment
• My own experience of being stuck in the Drama Triangle

Resources:

• Episode 161: Part 1 of the How To Heal series
• Episode 183: Part 1 of the Internal Family Systems series
• The Fix It/Fuck It Cycle [Confessions]
• Episode 2: Getting to Calm with The Pause Break
• The Power of TED by David Emerald