Attachment Basics

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Today, I’m walking you through 3 things that kids need in order to feel secure in their attachment with you. Consider this your crash course in attachment basics, a how-to guide.

One thing I want you to keep in mind is that attachment is a robust system. It’s not easily broken, and it’s never too late to focus on strengthening your attachment with your child.

Your kid wants to connect with you. They want to feel safe and secure with you. 

And the truth is that most parents do create secure attachment with their children. We’re hardwired to protect our kids, to take care of them and to make sure that they get what they need. 

I’m willing to bet that you're doing a lot of things right already. But if you want to improve your attachment and make it stronger, these steps will help you do it.

Why Secure Attachment Matters

When a child has a secure attachment to their parent, it means that they feel pretty safe in the world. They’re not living in a hyper vigilant, stressed, reactive headspace. Their mental health is pretty good. 

Kids who are securely attached typically grow up to be self-reliant, independent, have a strong self esteem, and experience less anxiety and depression. 

They launch into the world…

• Feeling safe and seen
• Knowing how to take care of themselves
• Able to soothe themselves without drugs, alcohol, sex, and other addictions

The amazing thing about these 4 S’s is that when your child has this modeled for them - when they feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure with you, no matter what - they can create this inside of themselves. 

It’s that feeling of being okay. And who doesn’t want that?

The 4 S’s of Attachment

Each of these 4 S’s leads to the next. When your child feels safe, when they feel seen, when they feel soothed…that results in security (aka a secure attachment with you). 

SAFE 

Safety means that your child is physically and emotionally secure in their environment. They feel protected from harm, and they don't experience fear or threat from you.

Essentially, you need to be the safe person for your child - not the thing that scares them. This is really the crux of connected parenting. We’re not using fear or threats in order to get compliance. 

Spanking is one example of this. Your child’s fear activates their nervous system (which is not going to improve their behavior) and confuses them. You’re supposed to be the source of safety, but yet you’re the source of fear in that moment. They might be uncertain of whether they can fully trust you. 

Of course, we all have times when we are a source of fear. You might yell, rage, or get physical. That is why repair is so important. Instead of your child seeing you as dangerous, unpredictable, or unreliable, you take responsibility for your actions and use it as an opportunity to strengthen the attachment. 

SEEN 

To be seen is to have a caregiver who perceives and understands a child's emotional experience. 

It means that you see your child as an individual. You become curious about them, you think about what they want, who they are, and what they need. You view them as a fully whole individual that is revealing themself to you.

But sometimes, we don’t really want our kids to be themselves. You want them to be a mini-you or meet certain standards. Those expectations put you into a place of judgment rather than curiosity.

Instead, observe them and delight in who they are. Create space for conversations to understand them better.

Kids need to believe that they are good in order to develop a positive self esteem and self reliance. Being seen fulfills your kid’s need for authenticity. It allows them to express themselves and know that your attachment is unconditional. 

SOOTHED/SUPPORTED 

Your child looks to you for comfort and support when they are distressed. When they have complex feelings and situations happening, they want to know that you can help them sort through their big feelings. 

Soothing is not solving. You don’t need to solve all of your kid’s problems (and you shouldn’t). Discomfort and obstacles give kids the opportunity to become resilient. 

What they do need is someone who can be present with them, offer empathy, and problem solve with them, if they're interested in that. 

For example, maybe your child is doing their homework, and they're starting to get mad. They're slamming the table or ripping up their paper. You can come alongside them and say, “Listen, you're safe right now. I'm not angry with you. You're not in trouble. I'm looking at you struggling with this homework, and I wonder if you feel really overwhelmed by it…That makes sense. So how about we break it into a couple of questions at a time?” or, “How about we work on it for five more minutes and then we take a break?”

SECURE (The end result we’re going for) 

When your child feels safe, seen, and soothed by you, the result is a secure attachment. 

They know that no matter how they act, no matter how they show up in the world, no matter what they say or do, the attachment to you is never at risk. You have unconditional love and acceptance for them, and it cannot be broken.

It makes sense that kids who have that type of attachment in their lives grow up feeling confident and secure. 

Breaking the Cycle

Unfortunately, we weren’t all raised with secure attachment. We didn’t all get our physical and emotional needs met. 

If this is you, you might need to do some healing and re-parenting if you don’t want to transfer your own insecurity and hypervigilance to your kids. 

As someone who was raised with insecure attachment and had a lot of childhood trauma, I had to double down on healing myself so that I could create a secure attachment with my kids. I didn’t want to create trauma for them. 

As I healed my own insecure attachment, I created what is called earned secure attachment. I had to fight for it. I had to earn it. And now, I can just give it to my kids as an inheritance. That’s what it means to be a cycle breaker, to heal from your trauma instead of passing it on. 

It’s all about awareness - noticing when you’re using a negative strategy like lashing out or checking out. When you see those behaviors, recognize that you don't feel safe. Then, you can go back and reteach yourself how to be safe. To realize that the world is not out to get you. That you’re good enough exactly as you are. 

You get to be the parent that you always wanted and needed - for yourself and for your kids. 

I see you, Mama. I know that you’re already doing the work. My wish for you today is that you feel safe, seen, and soothed - exactly as you are. 

You’ll Learn:

• How focusing on attachment in childhood with help you kid in adulthood
• My experience as an adoptive mom working to repair my kids’ attachments after life in an orphanage
• The 4 S’s of attachment and how to use them in your parenting
• What to do if you’re still healing from your own childhood

Resources:

• Episode 193: Securely Attached with Dr. Sarah Bren
• Episode 158: Guilt & Self-Forgiveness (Repair pt. 1)
• Episode 159: Saying “I’m Sorry” (Repair pt. 2)
• Episode 102: 5 Emotional Needs of Kids
• Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel M.D. and Mary Hartzell