Securely Attached with Dr. Sarah Bren

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Today, I’ve invited Dr. Sarah Bren to talk to us about attachment, knowing whether or not we have a secure attachment with our kids, and how to maintain that secure attachment through the process of repair. 

You’ll get some really practical tips about how to actually say sorry and make amends and talk to your kids when there's been a rupture in your relationship. I know you’re going to love this conversation and the confidence you feel when your attachment with your kids is strong.

Dr. Sarah Bren is a clinical psychologist and a mom of two. She has dedicated her career to translating the science of attachment into simple, real-life strategies for parents wanting to support healthy child development while not losing sight of their own mental health along the way. 

She is also the co-founder and clinical director of Upshur Bren Psychology Group in Pelham, NY, where she and her team of highly specialized therapists work with parents, children, and families. 

What Is Secure Attachment?

Dr. Sarah defines attachment as an instinct to form a bond that allows for physical and emotional proximity to a caregiver. It’s biological and increases our chances of survival as a species. She says, “We’re hardwired to create these relational bonds.”

Everyone attaches, but attachment science looks to the quality of that attachment relationship. Basically, secure attachment happens when a child believes that the parent will consistently and reliably meet their basic survival needs most of the time. This includes needs like food, sleep, warmth, and safety.

Attachment Myths

Dr. Sarah says that many parents are quite anxious about the attachment relationship with their kids. Here are a few myths you can stop worrying about right now.

Myth #1: Attachment is fragile. 

It can feel like the stakes are really high when it comes to creating a secure attachment with your child. 

The good news is, “It's not that fragile of a system. Not every single move you make is going to make or break an attachment relationship. It's a pretty robust system.” 

Dr. Sarah says that secure attachment is actually the default. Our job is to not actively derail it. 

Myth #2: If there’s friction in the relationship, your attachment is not secure. 

Smooth sailing is not a requirement for a secure attachment. You won’t always get along, and there will be friction sometimes. You’ll still need to hold limits. You’ll still upset your child, and you’ll be frustrated by them sometimes, too. 

In fact, when your kid is really mad and throwing their vilest muck at you, it’s actually a sign that they feel safe in the relationship. They know you’re not going anywhere. 

Myth #3: Attachment is fixed. If you experienced insecure attachment as a child, you’re doomed. 

Dr. Sarah explains that our initial attachment relationships create a sort of blueprint that we then use to anticipate how other people will receive us, respond to us, and meet our needs in the future. 

Fortunately, attachment is not fixed. While early experiences are important, the blueprint is also a living, breathing, editable document. As you move through life, different experiences and relationships will edit your blueprint. 

Each of us tends to have attachment patterns based on our individual blueprints. So, if you have a history of less secure attachments, you can learn to override those old patterns if you want to be securely attached with your kid. 

Rupture and Repair

In real life, there are going to be times that you lose it. You yell, you miss something that your kid needs from you, you’re not capable of soothing them when they’re in distress. That’s okay. 

Dr. Sarah says that what’s really important after this kind of rupture is the repair - a moment of coming back together and acknowledging what happened.

Repair is actually what creates a secure relationship. It shows your child that you are two separate people. You’re both going to mess up sometimes, and they can believe that you’ll come back together and be good again. 

This can be as simple as saying, “Earlier this morning, when we were having trouble getting out of the house, I just totally lost it. I know I was probably really scary in that moment. I got loud, I got mean. That was not my best moment. And I'm sorry.” 

The key is recognizing that there was a rupture in the relationship and the feelings that created. Maybe your child didn’t feel safe with you when you yelled. That rupture is what needs to be repaired. 

One mistake I see parents make is brushing past the acknowledgement. Saying, “I’m sorry. Let’s go get ice cream.” This is an example of using sweets or treats to soothe without really addressing what happened. It might make your child feel better in the moment, but it doesn’t actually repair the rupture. You can’t rush real repair.

Dr. Sarah also points out that there is a before, during, and after to any incident. The “during” is NOT the time for repair. You both need a chance to cool off, especially as your kids get older and stuff gets bigger and messier. You can’t truly repair if you’re still in fight or flight. It’s okay to say, “I hear you. I still need a minute.” 

It can sometimes be a long time after a rupture before you’re both truly ready for repair. There is a trust piece here in knowing that you don’t have to force the repair right away because you know you’ll get there when you’re both ready. 

You can trust the strength of your child’s desire to be in connection with you. Because they do want that (yes, even teens). They want a relationship with you. They want repair. 

One Skill to Improve Attachment

Research has shown that there is a 70% prediction rate of what a child’s attachment style will be in the 12-18 months of life based on their parent’s attachment style. 

The biggest indicator in the 30% of insecurely attached parents who had secure children is the parent’s capacity for reflective functioning - basically the ability to pay attention to and be curious about what’s going on internally. 

Dr. Sarah says this is so cool because not only does it mean that we’re not doomed to repeat the past, reflective functioning is just a skill. It’s something you can learn and get better at. 

She explains, “that ability to be curious softens us. It allows us to build that safety in our relationship, that ability to make mistakes and come back together…this curiosity is the most impactful thing we can do to create healthy, secure relationships” within our families and beyond.

Here are 3 steps to get you started:

1. Notice when you have a strong reaction to something. 
2. Get curious about what you’re feeling. What are you making this situation mean?
3. Get curious about the other person’s internal experience. What might they have been thinking or feeling? 

Dr. Sarah also advises that we look for the most generous interpretation - for ourselves and our kids. 

Securely Attached Starts With How You Treat Yourself

If you’re coming into this with a blueprint that isn’t very secure, you have to make some edits before you can fix the one you have with your child. 

When you look at why you are doing or feeling a certain thing…

→ How do you talk to yourself?

→ Are you giving yourself the benefit of the doubt?

→ Are you being curious? 

→ Are you being nonjudgmental? 

→ Are you having compassion? 

Dr. Sarah tells us that when we can do these things with ourselves, it makes it a lot easier to do it with our kids. 

The takeaway? It’s never too late to improve your attachment with your child, and it’s not as delicate as you think. 

Take care of yourself, find your calm, connect with your child, and repair when you mess up. Be generous and give yourself and your kid plenty of grace.

You’ll Learn:

• Why emotional health and achievement don’t have to be an either/or (and which one often leads to the other)
• Why repair is so important - and how to do it right
• A time I (recently) blew up over a bathing suit and had to do some repair
• The most impactful skill you can learn for better relationships

Connect with Dr. Sarah:

• Learn more about Dr. Bren and her work at http://drsarahbren.com/ 
• Get the free guide on the Four Pillars of Attachment
• Listen to the Securely Attached Podcast 
• Follow along on Instagram @drsarahbren 

Resources:

• Episode 157: Practicing Attunement to Create Emotional Health
• Episode 158: Guilt & Self-Forgiveness (Repair pt. 1)
• Episode 159: Saying “I’m Sorry” (Repair pt. 2)
• Episode 97: Your Nervous System Explained (including how to strengthen your parasympathetic nervous system)
• Episode 23: When You Lose Your Temper
• Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel M.D. and Mary Hartzell