The First Thing To Do When Your Kid Acts Out

Follow the Show

Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Everywhere else

Have you ever found yourself in a moment where your child is hitting their sibling, stealing snacks, or yelling something hurtful, and all you can think is, “How do I make this stop?” I know how overwhelming those moments can feel. The truth is, our first instinct is often to correct the behavior right away - telling them to stop, setting the limit, making it clear it’s not okay.

But what if I told you that the very first thing you do when your kid acts out can change everything about how your child learns to manage their feelings and behaviors?

Today, I want to walk you through exactly what to do the next time your child is acting out, so you can create more calm, safety, and connection in your home.

Why Your Kid Acts Out (And Why Correction Isn’t Step One)

Let’s start with something important: All behavior is communication. When your child is yelling, hitting, grabbing, or melting down, it’s not just about disobedience. It’s their way of coping with big feelings or an unmet need that they don’t yet have the skills to communicate in a better way.

When we immediately go to correction - "Stop it right now!” or “Don’t do that!” - we’re skipping over the real problem: the emotion or need underneath the behavior. If we move too quickly to discipline or redirection, kids don’t learn how to name and manage what’s happening inside. And honestly, they often have no idea what to do instead. This is why just correcting doesn’t work, and why the chaos often repeats itself tomorrow, or even five minutes later.

So, what’s the first thing you should do when your child acts out? You connect before you correct. The Connection Tool is the heart of the Connected Parenting Process, and it’s a practical, step-by-step way to help kids learn emotional regulation, from the inside out.

The Connection Tool

One of my all-time favorite tools to teach parents is the Connection Tool. In it, you:

1. Notice that something is off with your kid
2. Narrate the behavior you’re seeing
3. Name the emotion
4. Validate how they’re feeling
5. Regulate the nervous system by helping them move through the feeling

Basically, you’re helping to connect the dots between what's going on on the outside and what's going on on the inside.

Validation (letting your kid know that the way they’re feeling makes sense) is crucial, because when kids feel seen and safe, their nervous system begins to calm. Emotional connection always comes before learning or problem solving.

Once you’ve connected with their inner experience, you can move into regulating and problem-solving. Your child needs new ways to cope and to communicate their feelings, thoughts, and needs in ways that work. You can validate their emotion and set a limit at the same time. 

Ultimately, you give them the responsibility to figure out better ways to cope with that feeling in the circumstance that they're in.

Here are a few examples:

• “It’s not okay to grab your brother’s snack, but you can ask me for a snack and I’ll help you get one.”
• “If you need to move your body, let’s do some jumping jacks together.” 
• “You can’t call out to Mommy at bedtime, so what can you do instead? Do you want to hold my scrunchie while we’re apart from each other?”
• “You can’t hit your brother, but you can hit this pillow.”

Regulating emotion is a tricky thing. It's hard for all of us. Discharging emotion is almost always done through the body. We let the feelings that are stuck inside of us release through our hands, our voice, etc. The goal is to discharge that emotion in a way that doesn’t hurt or cause problems for other people.

You can suggest and show your child other ways to release or change their energy. And their behavior can serve as a clue to what they need. If they want to scream really loud, is there a way that they can regulate by screaming in a way that works for everybody? If they want to hit or be physical, is there a way that they can be physical that doesn't bother anybody? 

Try these movements:

• Do jumping jacks
• Drink a glass of water
• Wash their hands
• Do a shimmy-shake
• Hold your hands up and let them use their hands to push against you
• Roll them up in a blanket
• Stomp their feet
• Do a small, simple task like putting a toy on the shelf

Shifting from Correction to Compassionate Witness

I know this approach can feel counterintuitive. Most of us grew up hearing, “Stop that!” or “If you don’t calm down, you’re in trouble.” It takes practice to pause, connect, and wonder about what your child is feeling or needing, instead of jumping right to judgment or solutions.

And you might need to wait a little while for your child to regulate. If they’re in the middle of a Big Feeling Cycle, talking to them and trying to coach them can actually be really triggering. Stay present in that compassionate or neutral space while recognizing this is a kid who's having a hard time. 

When my son was 4 years old, he would rage around the house everyday around 4pm. These intense meltdowns would last about 45 minutes - every day! I decided to shift into the role of witness. That I would be there to make sure he (and everyone else) was safe, but I didn’t come at him with any big energy. Almost immediately, his Big Feeling Cycles were shorter and less frequent. Within a week or two, they were almost completely eliminated. 

Shifting your lens from “behavior judge” to “compassionate witness” is one of the most powerful changes you can make in your parenting. It means holding the thought, “My child isn’t giving me a hard time. They are having a hard time.” This mindset shift alone can help you stay calmer and more regulated yourself, which in turn helps your child “borrow” your nervous system as they settle down too.

As a parent, you are the emotional leader in your family. Kids’ nervous systems are immature and easily activated. Everything is bigger, louder, and more extreme for them. Giving them grace, and modeling emotional regulation yourself, is a gift that will help them for years to come.

This takes time, and that’s okay. You have to learn to reframe the way you look at the behavior in the first place and then get better at making those guesses about what’s actually going on for your kid.

Keep practicing CALM. Take care of your nervous system and practice self-regulation. Look at your child’s behavior from a compassionate (or even neutral) place. Lead your family with calm confidence.

You’ll Learn:

• Practical things you can say and do as a parent in order to create an emotionally safe environment, teach your kid to regulate their nervous system, and help them become an emotionally healthy person
• Real-life examples of how to validate emotions while also setting limits around behavior
• How to find clues that will help your child regulate their nervous system
• Tons of ways to help kids release emotional energy from their bodies

Related Episodes:

• Episode 2.16: The Connection Tool [New & Improved]
• Episode 87: The 3 Rs of Emotional Regulation