Transforming Toddlerhood with Devon Kuntzman

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If you have a child between the ages of 1 and 5, today’s episode is for you. I’ve invited Devon Kuntzman onto the podcast to talk to us about transforming toddlerhood. She is a toddler parenting expert who is on a mission to transform the myth that toddlerhood is terrible.

You may have noticed that not many parenting strategies focus specifically on the toddler and preschool years. Today, Devon is sharing practical strategies to meet your toddler’s basic developmental and sensory needs, as well as ways to teach them skills to get their needs met and cope with frustration. 

Devon Kuntzman is a wife, mama and the original toddler parenting expert on Instagram. She says she is so passionate about this age group because, “we know that the first five years really set the foundation for the rest of a child's life in terms of their brain development and emotional regulation.”

As a certified coach with a degree in psychology, she helps thousands of families each year through courses, workshops, and the annual Transforming Toddlerhood Conference. Her community of 1 million parents and caregivers is committed to transforming their parenting, their toddler’s behavior, and their overall experience of toddlerhood while creating a relationship with their child that lasts a lifetime.

Who Are Toddlers?

One of my first questions for Devon was how she defines a toddler. I often think of toddlers as being separate from preschoolers, but Devon explains that she groups them together (ages 1-5) because they are all struggling with a lot of the same things. She says, “They still have very immature brains. They're lacking their impulse control skills, emotional regulation skills.”

I think of toddlers’ decision making as, “if it feels good, do it.” It’s an emotional process for them. They aren’t really able to think things through and access executive function until around age 6.

Devon does split them into younger toddlers (ages 1 & 2) and older toddlers (ages 3-5), largely based on expressive language skills and their ability to communicate their feelings and needs. 

Putting preschoolers into their own category, Devon says, can be confusing if we think that they should no longer be having the same behavioral challenges as toddlers. The truth is, it is still completely developmentally appropriate for them to struggle.

Decoding Toddler Behavior

When it comes to toddler behavior, Devon likes to talk about “decoding” behavior. She says, “If we don't understand what's happening with the behavior, then it's going to be really challenging to know how to respond.” I think this is certainly true for all ages.

The concept of decoding reminds us that there are layers that we need to peel back in order to really understand what’s going on. It requires us to get curious about the root of a child’s behavior. 

As you’ve heard me say a million times, the root of any behavior is emotion. A feeling that they are trying to communicate or cope with. They may also be trying to communicate a need, whether it’s a basic need like food or sleep, a sensory need, or a need to feel connection and affection.

Devon says that impulse control is a common challenge for toddlers. Some behaviors that come along with this are spitting, wanting to grab things off the shelf at the grocery store, or taking off chasing a cat or a bird down the street. These behaviors are very reactionary. There is no thinking about safety, impact, or the future. 

Development in the Toddler Years

Some developmental needs of toddlers include the need to:

• Experiment and explore
• Move
• Be independent
• Feel capable
• Have a sense of control
• Feel powerful
• Have a role in the family.

Of course, Devon says, these are needs that we all have as humans, but they’re so important in the toddler years because “the whole point of toddlerhood is for your child to become their own unique individual, to develop a sense of self for the first time.”

In fact, toddlers are developmentally driven to push against us. Devon explains that babies often see themselves as an extension of their caregiver. Power struggles come into play when your toddler starts becoming an individual, separate from you, and you are still trying to control them.

It’s a tricky balance. They want more independence, but they are also reliant on you to meet their physical and emotional needs.

Devon says that we can give toddlers a sense of control in areas that are very inconsequential. And if you meet that need for independence throughout the day, you’re less likely to slip into power struggles, even when bedtime rolls around. It’s almost like making a deposit in their control bank.

She explains that one of the best ways to do this is by giving choices that are within your boundaries while still giving your child some autonomy. Consider letting them decide how but not whether they do something.

And a little playfulness can go a long way. “Play is the language of young children,” Devon explains. “So the more that we can speak their language, the more connection we'll have, which creates influence. And that positive influence then leads to cooperation.”

For example, if your kid doesn’t want to go to the bathroom, ask them to choose how they get there. Maybe they’d like to jump like a kangaroo or crawl like a bear. 

Boundaries & Control

As Devon likes to say, “It takes two people to be in a power struggle.” Deciding when to hold firm boundaries and when to give up a little control can be challenging.

Devon shared a common scenario of playing with your child in a sandbox. They’re telling you what to do and how to play. She says that this is an example of them controlling within your boundaries. 

Play is your child’s job, so when you’re in the sandbox and playing and connecting with them, it’s a great time to let them lead. She says, “they are going to feel really empowered, really seen and heard, and you're really filling their cup.”

That doesn’t mean that they get to be in control all the time (and they really don’t even want to be). For example, when you’re having a conversation with your parenting partner and your kid wants to come in and get your attention - this is not within your boundaries. This conversation is not your kid’s job. 

If you feel worried about being too permissive or your child becoming too bossy, ask yourself, “Is this within my boundaries or not? Is this something of consequence or is it inconsequential?”

Finding the right balance of control is about stepping into leadership energy and saying, “I’m the adult. It’s my job to be in charge. It’s my job to guide, support, and teach my child the skills that they need.” 

When you set a limit or expectation, and your kid pushes back, there are a few ways you can respond:

• Start with connection and ask, “Well then, what’s your idea?” or “What’s your plan?” This can be particularly effective with strong-willed kids. They may already have a plan in mind, and if you understand what it is, you might be able to work with it.
• If your limit is really non-negotiable or their ideas are outside your boundaries, you’ll have to be more firm. If they don’t want the snack you’re offering, for example, Devon says you can respond with, “Well, this is what we’re having for snack today. I’m going to put it right here. You can choose to eat it when you want.”

State your limit and walk away. Devon says, “Don’t stand there to see what they do. The longer you engage in a power struggle, the more likely that they are going to keep pushing.” They think there’s still a chance that their strategy will work.  

Transforming Toddlerhood

Devon says that she wrote her new book in response to the questions that parents of toddlers were asking her every single day. Chapters are bite-sized (so you can actually get through them) and split into 5 themed sections. She calls it “a comprehensive quick-reference guide full of tips, scripts, behavior red flags, and FAQs”.

One simple but powerful reframe Devon shares is looking at your child’s behavior as “strategic” rather than “manipulative.” The word manipulative has a negative connotation that can trigger a lot of parents, making them more reactive. 

Your child’s behavior is a strategy that they are using to get their needs met. They aren’t trying to trick you. They’re trying to get what they need. Devon says, “Children are very smart. They're very good at getting their needs met because their survival depends on it.” They’re paying attention to what strategies have worked for them in the past.

It’s also important to remember that your child is wired to comply. They know that it’s in their best interest to keep the adults in their life happy. In fact, their biggest fear is losing your unconditional love and acceptance. They want to please you, but that developmental drive for independence gets in the way sometimes. 

When you hold a boundary, calmly yet firmly, it actually lets them feel secure. To know that you are the leader, you are in charge, and everything is okay. The more consistent and predictable you are with your limits, the more easily your kid will accept them over time. 

Another shift with big impact - Stop trying to win. Devon explains, “Sometimes we don't even realize it, but when we get triggered and go into our stress response (aka fight or flight), we are inadvertently trying to win.” 

When you’re in that mindset, it is nearly impossible to follow these other strategies that we know work.

Here’s what she says helps:

• Create physical safety
• Remind yourself that “this is not an emergency” and your child is not the enemy
• Disrupt the stress response with movement or another calming strategy

When you do this, you can get back to creating connections, setting limits, and teaching skills - coming alongside your child, holding their hand and guiding them. 

The takeaway? 

Devon says, “Those messy moments are not problems to be fixed. They're just opportunities. Opportunities for learning and growth for your child and for yourself. Opportunities to build the relationship. Opportunities to build your child's development, their brain connections, their skills. It's all opportunities.”

You’ll Learn:

• Myths about toddlerhood that lead to frustration for parents
• Why toddlers behave the way they do (and what to do about it)
• The difference between consistency and perfection
• When to let your child take the lead
• What to do with, “You’re not the boss of me!”

Connect with Devon:

• Learn more about Devon’s work on her website at https://www.transformingtoddlerhood.com/
• Order the book: Transforming Toddlerhood
• Like her on Facebook
• Follow her on Instagram @transformingtoddlerhood
• Get the free mini-guide 10 Simple Strategies for Ending Power Struggles

Resources:

• Episode 63: Developmental Stages from Birth to Teens
• Episode 196: Preventing Meltdowns (Pre-Regulation)