Surviving Divorce with Laila Aitken Ali of Split.fyi

Follow the Show

Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Everywhere else

If you’ve ever known anyone who’s going through a divorce, if you’re considering divorce yourself, or are in the early stages of making that decision, this episode on surviving divorce is for you. You’ll learn how to take care of yourself and frame the situation for your kids, as well as support people in your life who are dealing with separation and divorce.

My guest today is Certified Divorce Coach® Laila Aitken Ali. Laila is known as the Split Coach, and she helps people (especially parents) to restructure their lives and relationships post-breakup so they don't get stuck in old dynamics and reactive patterns.

Laila is also the co-founder of Split.fyi, a digital platform and supportive community helping people move through divorce, co-parenting, and major life transitions with clarity, confidence, and strategy. 

Laila’s work is deeply personal. She went through her own divorce while pregnant, and that raw, life-altering experience pushed her to build the very kind of support she wished she had - one rooted in emotional truth, practical tools, and human connection. That journey shaped her mission: to help others navigate the emotional chaos of separation while creating structure, strategy, and a new sense of self along the way.

She’s known for her warm, no-BS approach and her fierce belief that breakdowns can become powerful turning points - which you know I love!

The First Steps

When a marriage ends—especially when kids are involved—the experience can be deeply overwhelming, emotional, and disorienting. If you're facing the start of a divorce, whether the decision was yours or not, it’s easy to get swept up in shock, fear, and a rush to fix everything right now.

Laila describes it as feeling completely “sideswiped”. One moment you think you know your life’s direction. The next you’re questioning everything, from how you’ll manage parenting alone to where you’ll live and how you’ll support yourself.

The key takeaway in these first days? 

Press pause on “doing” and prioritize your own wellbeing. Yes, your kid is always first and foremost. But sometimes, that looks like doing what’s best for you so that you can show up for them.

Laila says, “You have to think about things in all aspects. But you can’t think about them all at once.” The first thing you should deal with is not money, not custody arrangements - it’s your wellbeing. The divorce process moves slowly, and you actually have a lot of time. 

Because when you are in fight-or-flight mode, you’re not able to make clear, healthy decisions. You’ve got to deal with the thoughts and feelings that are coming up, like blaming the other person, thinking that you’ve failed, feeling angry, sad, or afraid.

Just like grieving people are advised to avoid major life moves in the immediate aftermath, with divorce, there’s wisdom in allowing yourself some breathing room instead of forcing immediate, big decisions.

This is when you give yourself lots of grace and permission to focus on just being okay. 

And don’t personalize. It’s normal for one or both people in a divorce situation to be hurt and grieving. And hurt people often hurt people. 

When your ex is pushing against your boundaries, calling you names, etc. you don’t have to take it personally. It doesn’t actually mean anything about you. That is their own pain, anger, and frustration coming out.

This concept is important for kids, too. Things get really scary when they start thinking that this is their problem, or they’re the reason for it, or this is their story from now on. Reassure them that it really has nothing to do with them. You are two adults that are in a relationship, and that relationship is changing. 

Surviving Divorce with Kids

Laila shared 4 main areas to focus on as you’re navigating the early stages of separation and divorce.

Anchor yourself for your kids. For parents, one of the greatest sources of pain and anxiety can be wondering, “Are my kids going to be okay?” This fear is normal—divorce isn’t what anyone planned for their family. But Laila reassures us that kids can and do thrive after divorce, especially when one calm ‘anchor’ parent shows up with empathy and steadiness.

Your children don’t need you to be perfect—but they do need you to model that, even in hard times, things will be okay. 

Validate their emotions, allow their grief or confusion, but don’t fall apart with them. You can say,
“This is hard, but I know we will get through it. We’re going to be okay.”

I say it all the time: Kids only need one loving, emotionally supportive adult, not two perfect parents, to develop resilience and emotional smarts.

Go for the low-hanging fruit. When everything feels overwhelming, momentum can come from the smallest places. Would something simple (not jumping straight into finances or custody battles) help you feel just a bit more in control? Choose one manageable action and let that build your confidence.

One of those first steps might be as simple as setting boundaries. 

Set clear boundaries. Often, especially if your marriage struggled with boundaries, setting new ones feels uncomfortable. But now is the time to start—and to do it with kindness and clarity. 

For example, if your soon-to-be ex is texting you at all hours, Laila suggests a simple boundary like, “I won’t be available by phone, but I’ll respond to texts within 24 hours unless it’s an emergency.”

Holding your boundaries also sets you up as a leader in your family (even when you have to fake it). You are taking control of your role and how you want to communicate. 

Stick to your limits, expect some pushback, and remember that boundaries are about your behavior, not controlling the other person.

Communicate honestly and effectively. Laila says, “the only thing that actually gets you through all of those things is learning how to communicate in an effective way.” 

The idea that communication is the most important thing is a really hard concept for people, since many marriages end because of communication issues. So, you have to change the way you’re doing it. 

It may not always be amicable, but it can still be effective. You can make sure that, no matter what is going on, your side of the street is clean. You are communicative. You are setting boundaries. You are doing the right thing for your kid. 

Co-Parenting Tips

Divorce isn’t the end of the relationship. Especially when you’re raising children together, we have to start looking at divorce as a change in the contract. A change in the way the relationship will look moving forward. 

When you communicate with each other from this more neutral place (instead of listing the 15 reasons you’re leaving your partner and making them feel shitty about it), you can work through it more amicably - and spend way less money. Here are a few strategies that will help.

Put yourself in their shoes. You know that the pain they’re feeling is real. Try to find compassion for the other person and understand where they’re coming from.

Stay in the present. It’s easy to worry about all the things that might happen when your kids are spending time with the other parent (especially when they parent differently than you do). You might not agree with the way they do things, but it hasn’t even happened yet. No one has even had the chance to parent on their own. 

Let go of control. Laila explains that there’s almost always a dynamic where one person doesn’t feel as adequate as the other in the parenting role. So there’s a parent (often a male) who feels like the underdog in the situation. 

If you amplify that with a lack of trust and fear over how things are going to go, you keep them in that role. She says that “the anxiety of it all really creates a narrative, a story, and an energy is detrimental to the whole divorce process.”

It’s actually good for kids to have parents with different approaches. For example, if one is more nurturing and one pushes them a bit more. And in most cases, it’s more important for your kid to have a parent than to have the perfect parent (which we know doesn’t exist anyway).

A phrase that can be helpful when you’re trying to loosen up on control a little bit is saying, “Well, that’s what it’s like at Dad’s house,” or “That’s what it’s like at Mom’s house.” 

When you’re in what Laila calls “the messy middle,” it’s important to recognize that you’re not yet at the stage of figuring out how it all works. You’re in the triage stage during those first few months. You’re handling things as they come, and whatever you do right now isn’t necessarily the way things will look a year from now, especially when it comes to parenting. 

It’s also time to give yourself a little credit. We are all so hard on ourselves. Laila says that something she really challenges her clients with is recognizing what they’re good at or things they’re proud of themselves for. 

Take a breath, Mama. You’ve got this. And if you need resources, support, or just to know “my kids are going to be okay”—make sure to check out the links for Laila’s coaching and group programs, and tune in to this week’s episode for even more guidance.

You’ll Learn:

• The first thing to focus on when you learn or decide that you’re getting a divorce (it’s probably not what you think)
• How to create clear boundaries and effective communication with your co-parent
• The powerful word Laila likes to use when talking to kids about the end of a marriage
• Why you are all your child needs to thrive post-divorce

Resources:

• Episode 118: Being On the Same Page (a great episode on co-parenting!)
• Episode 119: Being On the Same Page (part 2)

Connect with Laila Aitken Ali:

• Learn more about Laila's work and upcoming events at https://splitfyi.com/
• Follow along on Instagram @thesplitcoach or @splitfyi
• Check out Laila's YouTube channel
• Follow Split.fyi on TikTok