Raising Neurodivergent Kids with Sara Hartley

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Today, I’ve invited Sara Hartley onto the podcast for a conversation about raising neurodivergent kids. I really appreciate the work Sara is putting out into the world, including her new book series called Purposefully Me that helps kids navigate big feelings, embrace their differences, build resilience, and discover their unique purpose through affirmations and storytelling.

Sara and I are both moms of neurodivergent kids, so you’ll get lots of real life perspective and examples in this episode. We also talked about Sara’s ALIGN Parenting Method™, which helps you handle those challenging moments when your kid gets out of bounds and you need a reset.

Sara Lewis Hartley is a mom of two neurodivergent boys, a healthcare executive, and a certified ADHD & neurodiversity coach. Passionate about assisting families to choose connection over perfection, she inspires parents to approach challenges with compassion, confidence, and a strong sense of purpose. I know you’re going to love her!

Being a Parent of Neurodivergent Kids

As two moms of neurodivergent kids who are passionate about connected parenting, Sara and I feel like we’re speaking the same language. 

I have one son who is highly gifted with ADHD and another with pretty severe sensory processing and an eating disorder. So between the two, I was constantly trying to figure out strategies that would work.

Sara shared her story of noticing that, at a young age, her oldest son was surpassing every cognitive milestone, but struggling with social-emotional and behavioral issues. It also brought some unique parenting challenges. Sara says, “I took positive parenting courses. I did all of those things, but it still wasn't working. Because his intellect was so high, he was outsmarting every strategy that we tried.”

Fortunately for Sara, she had a good friend who worked with neurodivergent kids and put her on the right track to getting some more information and support. Through assessment, they were able to narrow down what was going on with her son and get him into OT and play therapy to help with sensory issues and emotional regulation. 

I had a similar experience with my oldest son. He didn’t really fit into any of the stages I read about when he was a toddler. As an 18-month old he may have fit in with behaviors of a 9-month old but cognitive abilities of a 3-year-old. I didn’t know what to make of it, and it was really confusing. 

When you’re parenting a neurodivergent kid, you’re likely experiencing different challenges than other moms you know. You’re trying all kinds of strategies, but they’re not really working for you. It’s easy to wonder if you’re doing something wrong or if something is wrong with your child. And this can bring up a lot of anxiety, guilt, and shame. 

You might worry about: 

• Your child having a meltdown in a public place
• Receiving incident reports from school
• Not connecting with other kids their age

Many of these same concerns can also arise with neurotypical kids who struggle with emotional regulation, trauma, medical conditions or other issues. 

One way to embrace the experience is to connect with other moms of neurodivergent kids. Sara shared that when her son was young, they became good friends with another family whose son also had ADHD. While there were certainly incidents between the two kids, the families were able to be empathetic and understanding with each other.

The Power of Self-Regulation—for You and Your Kids

Sara says, “I never knew that I had my own triggers. Most of my life, I felt like I was pretty even keeled. Everything was good. And it wasn’t until I started parenting that I noticed now I’m yelling, I’m really frustrated.” 

She knew that if her kids were feeling her tension and stress, that wasn’t going to help anyone. She explains that you have to regulate your own emotions and figure out what works for you before you can come alongside your child and do that for them. 

This is what being a Calm Mama is all about. Finding the strategies and outlets that help us feel a deep sense of calm so that we can share our regulated nervous system with our kids. And as you learn and practice strategies to calm yourself, your child can learn and experience them right alongside you. 

Here are a few ways to support your nervous system and help your kids to do the same:

1. Give yourself a break

Some days, you won’t have the capacity to explain a routine again or re-teach a strategy. This happens to us all. When you find yourself yelling that your kid didn’t put their shoes in the bin, it’s okay to just STOP. Put a pin in it and come back to it another day. It’s like giving yourself permission to not parent today. Make a note that you need to revisit that routine when you’re feeling more calm.

It’s also important to remember that we make mistakes as parents, too. Even though it can be difficult, not dumping our stress and overwhelm on our kids is important in those moments. Do your best to forgive yourself, admit your mistake, and do whatever repair is needed.

2. Reconsider “disrespect”

Sara and I agree that the word disrespect is often misused in parenting. Particularly when it comes to neurodivergence, kids actually have differences in their working memory and they way their brains remember specific details. They’re not trying to disrespect you, they might literally have an “out of sight, out of mind” situation happening. 

Emotional regulation comes into play here, too. When I think about all the interventions we tried, the one that made the biggest difference is recognizing that feelings drive behavior and that what I was seeing was actually emotional dysregulation. My kids weren’t giving me a hard time - they were having a hard time.

3. Create supportive systems 

Systems and routines can help serve as reminders to our kids of things we want them to do, whether it’s a checklist or a habit like keeping backpacks right by the door. Create visual reminders to help everyone remember what to do.

4. Slow down

When we can slow down, there are often less mistakes (like forgetting the cleats on the way to flag football) and less stress (which leads to dysregulation). Between activities, give yourself a moment to sit and think things through. 

Parenting as a Mom with Neurodivergence

Sara has met quite a few parents over the years who didn't realize they had ADHD, autism, or other neurodiversities until their child went through it. 

She herself was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 25, which brings additional challenges to parenting. For people with ADHD, it can often be difficult to create a template of order - a sequence of things that need to happen. So not only does Sara’s son struggle with this, she has her own challenges in creating that routine for him.

She describes it as having multiple tabs open in her brain at all times. She says, “I can very easily adapt and respond to something that's super urgent and hyperfocus and produce very good work in a short amount of time…But when there's a little downtime or if there are way too many things going on, it's hard to figure out where to even start.”

Here are a couple of simple strategies that Sara has found helpful in managing her own ADHD:

• Go for a walk. This is a huge emotional regulation tool that Sara adapts based on her needs at the time. Maybe it’s scanning the pavement with her eyes, doing a walking meditation, listening to loud music, or enjoying the quiet. After she’s regulated, it feels easier to determine which task to tackle first. 
• Keep food and water nearby. Sara explains that once she starts working or gets into a task, it’s hard for her to take a break. She might not want to step away for 10 minutes to get some food, so she keeps snacks at her desk.

Using the ALIGN Parenting Method™: A Powerful Tool for Hard Moments

Sara describes her ALIGN Method as a combination of the ability to become aware of what's happening in your surroundings and then using grounding techniques to understand how you are feeling in this moment.

ALIGN stands for:

Awareness
Listen & label
Identify the triggers
Grounding
Nurture

Sara shared a really great example of using ALIGN alongside her son when he was becoming impatient and complaining at an event. 

First she became aware of how she was feeling in her body - her heart was beating fast, and her hands were sweating. Then, she labeled her emotion - overwhelm - and identified the triggers - heat, crowds, lots of smells and sensory input.

She figured if she was feeling this way, maybe her son was, too, so she whispered to him, “Hey, buddy, I'm feeling really overwhelmed. My hands are sweating. I'm sweating all over. My heart's beating fast. I think you're feeling really overwhelmed, too, because of the crowd, the sounds, and the smells.”

Next, they did a couple quick grounding exercises together - getting a sip of water and naming 3 things around them that were purple. Finally, she did some nurture by offering options for what they would do next - continue waiting in line to get his ball signed or go home. 

Sara explains that she had real compassion and empathy for her son throughout the process because of the awareness she had from the beginning. And that this whole thing took less than 60 seconds to do. 

She says, “It's really that element of becoming aware, becoming a detective, identifying those triggers, and then moving into what is an actionable step that truly will calm your body.”

You can use this method on your own, with your child, or allow them to watch and mirror you. 

Sometimes, you might not be able to get out of your own anger or judgment and find awareness. We’re all going to be reactive sometimes. You can still use ALIGN after the fact - look at what you could have done instead, what triggers you might notice sooner next time. And do some repair when you’re ready. 

Purposefully Me

Sara’s book series, Purposefully Me, is made up of 14 books with recurring characters. Each book tackles a hard topic, like bullying, ADHD, autism, dyslexia, or school drills. She says that the primary audience is kids ages kindergarten through 4th grade, and each book includes a glossary and discussion questions that parents and teachers can use to start conversations with their kids. 

And while the books are written for children, Sara has heard from lots of parents and teachers who are seeing themselves in the books, as well. 

She says, “the hope is that a child feels a little bit less alone in their own brain…this will allow for them to say, ‘I’m not alone.’”

You’ll Learn:

• What to say and do when your kid is getting out of control and you need a reset
• Why you don’t have to be constantly parenting
• How Sara went from forgetting her son’s cleats into a great Friday night with her kids
• How to use Sara’s ALIGN Parenting Method™ to calm your body and mind

Connect with Sara:

• Learn more about Sara’s work on her website
• Follow her on IG @saralewishartley
• Find her on Facebook

Resources:

• Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy