Parenting Pivots

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What do you do when things don’t go as planned? Today, I’m talking about parenting pivots and flexibility when you’re dealing with grumpy moods, “I don’t wanna”s, and plans that get off track. And if you want a real-life, real-time example, you’ve got to listen to the intro of the podcast!

Let’s start with a little story…

Years ago, my family was in Yosemite for a vacation, and we were all going bike riding. It was getting really, really hot, and we stopped along the trail so that we could go into the river and cool off. And one of my sons did NOT want to go in the river. 

I was really stuck on this idea that we were all going to cool down in the river. We were cajoling him, trying to convince him to get into the water. 

Finally, I realized that I could pivot from my expectation or my need for him to go in. I just let it go. I decided to enjoy myself in the water and let him enjoy whatever he was doing. 

With that pivot, the whole energy shifted between the four of us because I settled down as the emotional leader in my family. My other family members settled down, and we were all at peace. We started to include my son in a different way that allowed him to participate. He would go to the backpack to get us some water or chips or take a towel back to the bikes. 

He loved it, and it ended up being a really fun experience for us all. Because I was able to detach and pivot and shift into acceptance. To allow for people to be people. To allow for my own feelings and desires to be met. I trusted that it was going to be okay. 

When you can detach from the desire for your child to participate in a certain way, you’ll be fine with whatever happens. Maybe they join you in the activity, maybe they don’t. Funny thing is, when you detach, kids often come back around and want to be involved. But if they don’t, you’re still okay. 

Structure Submits to Spirit

This was a core principle of a church that I went to for a long time. The idea is that we have some basis of structure - a routine, plan, event, etc. But then something happens that you have to submit to. Maybe it’s a big feeling cycle, an illness, bad weather, or a new opportunity. And you have to adjust your expectations. 

Being flexible and pivoting our plans was a huge struggle for me for a long time. Maybe you can relate. 

Childhood trauma had me using hypervigilance and overplanning as a way to cope. And as a mom, I was really scared that if I didn’t overplan, my kids would act out, I would not stay calm, I would lose my crap on them, and I’d be a bad mom. I thought that by being really organized, I would keep myself and my kids safe. 

But this isn’t an all-or-nothing. Having a plan is a really good idea. And we can be flexible in the way we respond when things don’t go the way we expect.

Every family needs an adult with some idea of how things are going to go. You need some kind of structure for when people are going to eat, what activities are coming up, how dinner, bedtime, and cleanup will go. Most families work well when there is some kind of rhythm and flow to your days and weeks. 

But we also need to be able to submit to the spirit. In parenting, I think of this as attunement - connecting with the kids that are in front of us right now. The activity you planned might not be aligned with the energy your kids are bringing. 

For example, maybe you want a quiet afternoon at home, but you have two kids that have a lot of loud, big-body energy. You might need to shift to something outdoors or more active. On the other hand, if you’re planning a big beach day, but your kids are overly tired or overstimulated, you may need to shift to a quieter activity. 

Parenting Pivots

We’ve all been there. You make a plan to do something that you think is going to be really fun for you and your kids. But then, it turns out to not be as much fun as you thought. Your kids aren’t into it, they’re complaining, and you end up feeling disappointed, frustrated, and annoyed. 

If a moment doesn't feel like it's aligned, you're struggling to stay calm, and you're getting resistance (from your kids or from within yourself)...you might just need to pivot away. 

Here’s how:

#1 Let yourself off the hook. You know that thing you think you’re “supposed to” do as a mom, but you really don’t want to? Maybe it’s playing trains or dress up, teaching your kids to drive, or baking cookies as a family. Don’t do it. You don’t actually have to.

Even if you’re already doing it, it’s okay to change your mind and say, “You know what? This isn’t working for me. I don’t want to do this anymore.” It’s okay for your kids (or other people) to be disappointed. They will move through those temporary feelings. 

#2 Pause. When you’re excited about something you want to do with your kids, and they aren’t into it, it’s normal to feel disappointed. Give yourself some compassion and allow for those feelings (without judgment). Take a break and reset.

Name what you’re feeling, validate the emotion, and reflect. “Hmm, I feel a little disappointed and sad. This isn’t really working out.” 

#3 Give yourself (and your kids) some compassion. Parents often judge themselves as being a failure or thinking something is wrong with their kid when they can’t follow the plan. When you do this, you're judging that moment and making it mean a bunch of stuff about the future, about the past, about you, about your character, about your skills, about your children.

When you’re judging yourself, it’s hard to get creative (which is HUGE in the next step). Have acceptance and compassion for yourself. Things happen. Plans change. It’s okay.

#4 Come up with a new plan. Being present, being in the moment is a kind of perpetual creative response to whatever is happening. Life is uncertain, so we’re always pivoting and figuring out how to deal with what’s in front of us. 

Remind yourself, “I’m entitled to my feelings, but I am the leader. I do need to figure out what is best for everybody, and I might need to pivot.”

It can be hard to go back to someone and say, “I know we said we were going to meet at the pool, but we can’t today,” or “I love you to pieces, but I can’t make it to your event.” Own your story. If others judge you for it, that’s on them. 

#5 Trust that it will be okay. What I've learned over and over and over again, with my family and with the hundreds of families that I've coached, is that as we allow, accept, and validate emotion and we trust that that person is going to figure out how to deal with the circumstance, then things work themselves out. 

You can trust your instinct and that things will settle down. This is how you get more peace. 

Most of the time, the thing that we want isn't the experience itself. It's the feelings that come with that experience. If you want to have fun and feel connected to your kids, but it isn’t working, pivot toward something else where you can still chase fun and connection. 

Think of your plans like a reed that sways in the wind. It isn’t solid and unmoving, like a tree. It isn’t a tumbleweed that blows around aimlessly. It stays where it is, but it bends to go with the flow. 

Stay flexible, Mama. You’ve got this!

You’ll Learn:

• Real-life examples of shifting plans and expectations
• One of the guiding principles I follow to help with parenting pivots
• How planning and flexibility work together to create more peace and connection
• 5 steps to pivot when things are going the way you hoped

Resources:

• Episode 157: Practicing Attunement to Create Emotional Health
• Episode 13: Dealing with a Grumpy Mood