Overcoming Mom Guilt | Stay Calm & Stop Self-Blame with Mary Skinner

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Today we're talking about mom guilt, judgment, why we feel so bad, and how to stop. My guest, Mary, and I are also getting into our own journeys of learning how to drop guilt, set better boundaries, and become the leaders of our families. There are so many little nuggets of wisdom in this episode that I can’t wait for you to hear. 

Mary Skinner is a holistic birth and postpartum doula, founder of the Lotus Doula Tribe, mother of three children, yoga instructor, and all-around amazing mom and person. I hope you love our conversation!

Life as a Working Mom

After years of talking with moms, it's clear that it is very hard to be the default parent and also have a career. 

Prior to Mary’s work as a doula, she owned a student loan consolidation company and said, "That was really overwhelming. My heart was not in it. I was doing very well financially, but it was not worth my soul." She talks about losing herself during that time, snapping at her kids, and feeling unhappy and guilty. 

On the other hand, teaching yoga classes was something she calls "a beautiful saving therapeutic grace" in her life. It was a relief in a time when she was so focused on her young kids. 

Ultimately, she closed the loan consolidation business to become a full-time mom. And now that her kids are older, she’s found a happy medium as a self-employed entrepreneur. She says that it’s given her a lot more freedom and ability to balance her professional and family lives. 

We realize that not everyone's reality looks like Mary's but there are some key things that can help:

Know Your Capacity. Can you realistically manage the hours, demands, etc. that are on you? If not, are there areas where you can make changes to support the life you want?

Teach independence. Mary knew she wanted to go back to work once her kids were a little older and more independent. So from a young age, she was intentional about teaching them to be self-starters who will pick up after themselves, cook for themselves, etc. Work with your children so that they develop valuable life skills (that take some of the pressure off of you).

Judgment & Mom Guilt

Mary has been on both sides of the working/stay-at-home mom coin, as well as the homeschool/sending kids to school one. And the sad truth is that we're all judging each other. 

This shows up in so many different forms: Moms at the playground, your own inner critic, social media (and media in general). It's everywhere. 

Mary shared her perspective that most of this judgment is just a projection of our own insecurities. It's got nothing to do with the actual reality of what's best for our kids. 

A lot of the guilt moms feel is because they think that they're not doing something "right". They're not giving their kids what they should have or what they deserve. Or there's the thought of, "I should be with my children."

When we talk about judging moms, this includes judging ourselves. One of Mary's mantras in her weekly prenatal and mommy & me yoga classes is, "I am doing the best that I can. And it's enough". We all need more of this. 

In addition to insecurity, there's also often a false belief that it's somehow easier for other moms. It shows up as a sort of jealousy. But whatever that other mom is doing is also hard. It's hard to raise kids. Period. 

Mary says, "There's no perfect way to raise your children, to educate your children. You just have to do what works for you and your family and stop judging everyone. We're all just doing the best that we can for this moment of time, for this season of our life."

Why You Shouldn't Feel Guilty 

A lot of our guilt comes from ideas or myths that are not only unhelpful, but untrue. 

Myth #1: A parent's job is to make their kid's life easy & pain-free. 

Parents have somehow come to think that our job is to make childhood pain-free. We try to solve (or bulldoze over) their problems to create a life full of beauty, happiness, joy, and ease. But the truth is, that's not what our job is as parents, and there are unintended consequences.

First, we burn ourselves out. We sacrifice ourselves and then end up yelling at our kids because we're so overwhelmed. 

Second, we rob our kids of the opportunity to struggle, grow, and become resilient. Challenge is good for kids. Instead of removing challenges for your child, try asking yourself, "What is their best challenge? How can I emotionally support them instead of removing challenges?"

The goal of parenting is not to make everything easy and everyone happy. This is where some gentle parenting approaches fall short. Parents validate their kids’ feelings, give them support, and it stops there. It becomes boundaryless. 

Mary shares that she actually tries to make things harder for her kids. She wants them to figure it out and solve their own problems. Because the truth is that boundaries exist in the world.

Limits and boundaries help us raise more resilient kids. They give your child something to push up against, fail at, experience the impact of that failure, and learn from it. 

Myth #2: Needing help makes you less of a person. 

Mary recently added nanny services to her business, and we talked about the guilt that many moms feel when they leave their child with someone else for care - whether it's a nanny, babysitter, grandparent, etc. 

She shared that some of her clients have been shamed by their own parents for hiring a doula or a nanny, saying, "I never had that. I could handle it all on my own." 

The truth is that we all need help. Past generations may have had more family around to help out with raising kids. We're meant to live in community, not isolation, but that doesn't always happen naturally in our society. 

Myth #3: Getting help is selfish. 

Moms tell themselves, "I don't deserve this." Or that it's okay to hire a nanny or a babysitter if you're going to work, but not if you want to go to the gym or do some self-care or have a date night with your partner. 

In reality, it's more selfish to try to do it all and wind up overstimulated, exhausted, and blowing up at your family. 

Parenting is almost a chronic state of stress. Every once in a while, we get periods of time when we're not in the thick of it and can reset our nervous system. But if you're constantly back and forth between kids and work...when do you reset? It's very hard to decrease the stress while you're experiencing it. 

In motherhood, you're carrying a heavy load. You need to put it down once in a while in order to be able to pick it back up again. That's how it is. You put it down, pick it up, over and over and over. 

Mary says, "There's so much selflessness in being mindful of taking that break."

Overcoming Mom Guilt

So, if we're letting go of guilt, what do we want to focus on instead?

Finding leadership in love. As a parent, you are the leader of your family. You set the expectations. You make the rules. And your children are looking for your leadership. 

Kids know that they're little and there are a lot of things they don't understand. They instinctively know that they're not supposed to be in charge. When we hand leadership over to our kids, it actually creates more anxiety and insecurity in them. 

Coaching your child through big feelings. It's not your job to make your kid happy. But you can help them learn how to manage their emotions and deal with disappointment, sadness, anger, etc. 

You're not going to change the circumstance in order to make them feel better. It's a shift to, "I'm going to coach you through that big feeling, but I'm not going to try to stop it." Sit with them in their discomfort. 

Setting clear limits and boundaries. I'll be honest with you here. When it comes to boundaries, it usually gets worse before it gets better. When you expect this and know that it's normal, it can help you to ride out the storm. In the beginning, the behavior escalates because they're pushing up against that new boundary. When you hold strong and follow through, they eventually get to the other side and understand how things are going to work now. 

Try a few quick reframes...

• Kids actually need time away from you in order to become independent and grow into whoever they're supposed to become.
• Breaks are not a luxury, they're a necessity.
• If your kids are in pain, it's not because you've done anything wrong. 

Motherhood is a season of your life. It ends. I can tell you because I'm on the other side now. I'm still a mom, and I have a relationship with my two children, but I am not in the active role of mothering day in and day out. 

I do think those have been the best years of my life up until now because it was very deeply satisfying, filled with purpose and meaning. I've been grieving the end of motherhood, and I also wouldn't go back. It's really beautiful and it's really hard. 

You’re doing the best you can. And it’s enough. You've got this, Mama.

You'll Learn:

• Problems with gentle parenting
• Where mom guilt comes from
• How to stop feeling so much mom guilt
• Why boundaries are so important (and how to get better at them)
• A simple mantra to help you drop self-judgment and guilt 

Related Episodes:

• Episode 176: This One’s For the Working Moms
• Episode 133: Your Kid’s Happiness Isn’t Your Job
• Episode 69: The Problem with Modern Motherhood
• Episode 56: Being a “Good” Mom Doesn’t Prevent Pain

Connect with Mary: 

• Learn more about Mary Skinner and her work at https://lotusdoulatribe.com/ 
• Follow her on Instagram @LotusDoulaTribe
• Like her on Facebook