Midlife & Post Motherhood Shifts with Jennifer Delliquadri

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Today, I've invited my friend and fellow coach, Jennifer Delliquadri, to come talk with me about midlife, post-motherhood, and being a woman at this time in our lives. 

Jennifer is a life coach who has worked primarily with teens and her parents, but she has has recently shifted into coaching women in midlife. The change was driven by her own “midlife wake-up call” and the method that she has used to transform her identity at different stages of life. She is also a mom of 2 and the host of the Subtle Shifts podcast.

What Even is Midlife? 

For many of us, this shift away from day-to-day parenting into more of a consulting role with our kids marks that transition to midlife. 

I am currently in a stage of life where I’ve pretty much retired from parenting. I’ve raised my kids. They are no longer living at home. I’m not thinking about what they’re going to eat or doing their laundry. 

These days, I’m pretty free, and my kids are doing pretty well. There’s a lot of open-ended excitement, but it’s also a bit overwhelming. 

Jennifer talks about why this happens. “For so long, we haven't had that freedom. And so it can feel unsettling, like something must be wrong if I have so much time or I'm not used to having this time, and I don't know what to do with it.”

I have also noticed that there is a gap in models. You may not really have a concept of what it looks like to be a woman post-child rearing and pre-grandmothering. Most of our models of womanhood revolve around caregiving. 

So if we see caregiving as our role and purpose, and then we don’t have anyone to care for, what value do we have to give?

Maybe you carved out all this time for other people, and now that it’s just you, you feel a little lost. 

If you’re feeling isolated, maybe thinking that you’re missing something or have done something wrong, know that you are not alone. There are so many of us who feel this way.

Going Into the Coccon

Jennifer shared a story about her own midlife confusion. She says, “there was a point where I was on vacation - I was in Hawaii with my family, and, you know, it's beautiful. And I was getting ready to turn 50 and, like, excited about that and proud about that. But at the same time, I have this kind of feeling like, ‘what the fuck?’” 

She was postmenopausal, her body didn’t feel like her body anymore, and she just generally didn’t feel like herself. She felt like there was nothing to look forward to or be excited about anymore. And with her kids getting older, she was just going to fade away.

She had everything she ever wanted in her life - a husband she loves, great kids, a business she enjoys and is proud of. She was on a trip in a beautiful place, and she still felt like shit. 

She says, “I could hear things that people say like, ‘Oh, this is where the magic begins,’ or, ‘This is when you finally have time to focus on yourself.’ But I'm like, I don't even know what that means for me. What do you mean focus on myself?”

She decided to take action, starting with dialing in her nutrition and exercise. She started going to therapy. Finding areas where she was dissatisfied and taking actions to work on them.  

Eventually, the cloud started to lift, and she started to feel optimistic for the first time in years. She started to feel like herself again. To feel excited and not so heavy about everything. 

She realized, “What I'm here for is beyond what I am doing. What I have to share is way beyond what I am sharing.”

Jennifer likes to call this “going in the cocoon." She says that “this is where the chaos happens,” because you’re unsettled. You’re uncomfortable and trying different things, but nothing is really changing (yet). Transformation isn’t something that feels soft and lovely. It takes time.

I love this concept of metamorphosis. When a caterpillar goes into a chrysalis, it doesn’t just shift directly into a butterfly. It dissolves and breaks down into this goop before the cells can be rebuilt into something new. And this is true for transformations in our lives, too.

There are periods in our lives - when you become a partner or wife, when you become a mother, when you change careers, when a parent dies - that you lose a piece of your identity and build a new identity. And it can get pretty messy. 

Often, when you feel dissatisfied with something in your life, that first step looks like saying, “I don’t know what it’s gonna look like yet, but I need to find a different way.”

Subtle Shifts

During our conversation, Jennifer also described what she calls her quarter-life crisis at the age of 25. And there are some similarities between the two stories. 

She says that in both cases, she was dealing with “society's version of what it means to have made it in the world and what success means and what it means to be a woman and all of these identities that have been imposed upon us. And some of them are not in alignment with our top values. We’re living someone else’s dream in some way.”

That feeling of something not quite being right, that area of dissatisfaction, can be an invitation to explore areas of our lives where we can make these subtle shifts and changes. Maybe you join a club or quit a friend group. It doesn't have to be a massive change, but there's more  healing, more joy, more peace, more calm out there. And it’s available to you.

Jennifer describes a moment on her Peloton when her Subtle Shifts method came through to her so clearly. These are three phases that she’s been through so many times in her life, and now that she’s on the other side, it is so clear and easy to understand what’s going on. 

She says, “That's really how I live my life. I don't do everything all at once. You just make little changes, things that feel doable and sustainable, and you stick with it and you stick with it. And then eventually, a year down the road, things change drastically.”

Be willing to get uncomfortable. Jennifer says it all comes down to your willingness to be uncomfortable. 

One of the areas we talked about is community and friendships. In many ways, we’re still recovering from the pandemic in this area. We got so used to being at home, and it takes effort to go out and get together with people in real life - especially new people. And as kids grow up and move out, you no longer have school and sports events to meet and connect with other parents. 

We have to work harder to meet new people, make friends, and stay connected to our communities. Add working from home or rural living to the mix, and it can take a significant amount of effort and intention to be physically present with other people.

Jennifer says that she’s looking forward to being an instructor at an upcoming yoga festival. “I’m just putting myself in places where I can meet people who want to meet people, as well.” 

Connect and be present. Jennifer also encourages practicing embodied living - being connected to where your body is, going places, and connecting with people in person as much as possible. This can benefit you no matter what stage of life you’re in. 

Moms of young kids are always on the go, and it can become a habit of rushing and disconnection. Even everyday chores, like folding laundry, are an opportunity to be present where you are. Slowing down just a little bit and connecting to your body and what you’re doing will calm you and lead to better regulation for your kids, too.

When you start to feel loneliness or dissatisfaction. When you're on a beautiful vacation with your family and you're crying in the shower. That is an indication to you that maybe things aren't as great as you thought they were. 

It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It doesn't mean that you've done something wrong. 

I like to think of it as being “midlife curious”. Look at that dissatisfaction as an invitation to explore how you’re living your life and what you’re willing to adjust. As Jennifer reminds us, creating the life you want starts with a subtle shift.

You’ll Learn:

• Why it’s natural for transformation to be messy
• Times when Jennifer and I have experienced dissatisfaction in our own lives, and some of the shifts we made
• Pandemic challenges we’re still working through when it comes to community and friendships
• Two ways to get in touch with what you truly want in your life (that you can start right now)

Connect with Jennifer:

• Check out the Subtle Shifts podcast
• Learn about the Subtle Shifts Method and working with Jennifer on her website
• Follow along on Instagram @jennifer.delliquadri
• Subscribe to her YouTube Channel @subtle.shifts