The Connected Parenting Process

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I’m back from a 10-week hiatus of recording new episodes. The reason for that break is that I’ve been busy writing a book! It’s all about raising an emotionally healthy kid using connected parenting. More to come on that later, of course.

Through the writing process, I realized some things about how I’ve been teaching about parenting and how I want to talk about it moving forward. 

For the last several years, my signature process has been called The Calm Mama Process. But now, I see that this title isn’t really fair to moms. It makes it seem like the mom is the person who's supposed to be calm and do all the connected parenting. I realized that in some ways, by titling my parenting philosophy “The Calm Mama Process”, I was putting pressure on moms to be the person who's responsible for parenting, and I was alienating dads in the process. 

I do not want to perpetuate these gender-typical roles and continue putting the emotional and mental labor of parenting solely on women. Frankly, I’m over anything that puts more pressure on moms. I’m done with it.

I want this process to be accessible to EVERY parent - moms, dads, bonus moms, stepdads, even grandparents. I want to talk about parenting in a more holistic way. So, I decided to rename my framework The Connected Parenting Process.

The Connected Parenting Process

If you’ve been with me for a while, this will sound pretty familiar. My process, whatever the name, has always been made up of these 4 parts: calm, connect, limit set, correct. 

When you practice those 4 pillars, you raise an emotionally healthy kid and you are a connected parent. Let’s walk through them together.

CALM

Calm is all about the parent and your connection to yourself. The tools, strategies, and concepts under this pillar support your emotional health and your ability to self-regulate. 

By learning to process your negative emotion, coach yourself through big feelings, and manage your mindset around your kid’s behavior, you will be calm.

This is so important (and the first step) because the rest of the parenting pillars are really hard to access if you are not calm and regulated.

CONNECT

Connect is about connecting your child to themselves. You're teaching your child the connection between what's going on inside of them and how they're acting on the outside. You give them tools to connect how they're behaving to how they're feeling and then coach them to self-regulate.

This is one of the main differences between traditional parenting and connected parenting. Traditional parenting is focused only on behavior modification. It doesn’t matter how the parent is acting or if it’s aggressive. It doesn’t matter what is driving that behavior in the child. The focus is solely on behavior and consequences.

In connected parenting, we focus on the feelings that are underneath the behavior and on helping our kids learn to cope with their emotions (which means that they don’t need to act out).

LIMIT SET

Limits connect your child to the boundaries that work within your family. As a connected parent, you will set, communicate, and hold limits. 

Beyond your family, you’re using boundaries to connect your child to the world - helping them understand how the world works and giving them clear guidance and parameters on which behaviors are okay.

This isn't a feelings-only or a behavior-only model. It’s a combination. You can have compassion for your kid and also not give in just because they’re having a big feeling (no way!). Helping them regulate that emotion and having a firm limit helps them to become resilient.

CORRECT

Correct is where you show your child the connection between their behavior and the impact of their behavior. If they fail, they have to fix it. If they make a mistake, they have to repair that mistake. We're connecting behavior to consequences.

In this model, consequences are not just meant to modify behavior. We’re helping them to see, in a logical, neutral way, that certain behaviors cause problems. 

Misbehavior might cause a time problem, an energy problem, or a money problem. You want your kid to start to connect the dots between their behavior and the impact their behavior has on others. And then do what they can to make it right.

When you have those 4 pillars it means you are raising an emotionally healthy kid who turns into an emotionally healthy adult.

If you are hitting those pillars pretty regularly in your parenting, you can kind of relax. That is what I really want for you. You don’t have to keep feeling like you’re never doing it “right”. Or be constantly overwhelmed.

It’s pretty incredible to have a process that you can look to when you’re worried that you’re messing it all up. 

Go through the steps and check in. Ask yourself:

• Am I calm? 
• Have I connected or emotionally coached my kid? 
• Have I set a boundary here? 
• Have I allowed my child to fail and helped them fix that mistake?

The Connected Parenting Process is exactly what it sounds like. We want our kids to be connected to their parent(s), themselves, and the world, and to be able to work well within the world. The name itself will help you remember what you're doing here and why you’re parenting the way you are. 

You’ll Learn:

• Why I changed the name of my signature parenting process
• The 4 steps of The Connected Parenting Process
• How my book is coming along!
• What to expect in upcoming episodes

Mentioned in this episode:

• The Stop Yelling Playlist - a curated playlist of top episodes from our archives
• Episode 58: Traditional Parenting vs. Connected Parenting