Defining Your Family Values

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What decides the direction of your family? Today starts a two-part series on defining your family values and how you can make decisions based on the things that are most important to you. 

Parenting can be really, really confusing. 

Maybe you’ve wondered…

What am I supposed to do here? 
Do I let my kid go to this birthday party? 
Do I let them quit the sports team? 
Do I let them not go to our religious service? 
Do I let them blow off steam by swearing?

These are hard questions to figure out, and it’s easy to find yourself making decisions based on what your kids want, how you feel in the moment, or how your children feel in the moment. 

Your family values can serve as a guide when you’re answering the tough questions of parenting. You can look at your values and decide…

Is this aligned with the things that are important to us? 
Is this decision going to help us get our kids closer to our values and where we wanna take our family? 
Or is this decision going to undermine our family values?

Defining Family Values

Values are defined as a person's principles or standards of behavior. So, you're figuring out what is important to you, how you want to show up and act in the world, and then putting words to those values.

This is a very simple thing, AND it requires a lot of thinking and self-reflection. If you don’t have the capacity to dive into this right now, that’s okay. Come back to it when you’re ready. 

Some times that I feel are natural times to talk about values are:

• The beginning of a new calendar year
• The beginning of the school year
• Around a birthday
• Around a day of grieving
• Religious holidays

The change of seasons can also be an invitation to look at your intentions for the coming season, how you want to show up, and what you want your kids to work on.

How To Define Your Values as a Family

The goal with this exercise is to find 5-8 core values that you’ll share as a family and as a couple in your parenting. 

Start with yourself. Before you think about your family as a whole, look at your life as an individual. What is important for you as a person? 

Looking at what's important to you and what bothers you about other people or yourself is going to be a big clue about what you value as a person. When you get angry about a behavior, what value is that rubbing up against?

I give you a ton of examples to get you started in the free Family Values worksheet. 

Discuss values with your co-parent (if you have one). Encourage them to do their own individual reflection, and then come together to talk about it. Take turns talking about your values and asking each other questions about what that means to the other person and how it shows up for them.

Identify shared themes. As you talk, look for some values or themes that you have in common. 

Define the values you chose. This is where you make the idea of your values a little more concrete. Let’s say one of your family values is kindness. What will that look like in your home and your family in a practical sense? 

For example, in our home kindness means speaking gently (even when we’re upset), offering help without being asked, saying “please” and “thank you”, apologizing and forgiving. 

Create a family values statement. This piece is optional, and it can be simple. Turn your core values into a very short paragraph that weaves your values into a shared vision or commitment. You can display it in your home to remind you of your values as you move through the day. 

Call a little family meeting and share the core values with your kids. We used to talk about it as “this is what it means to be a Childress.” 

Revisit your values regularly. Come back to your value statement every 4-6 months. Are you on track? Where are there gaps? What do you want to add more of? Have any of your values shifted?

Living Your Values

Values aren’t something that you figure out once and then do perfectly. We’re all still learning and evolving - especially our kids.

So what happens when your child does something that doesn’t align with your values? It’s going to feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t mean they’re a jerk or that something is wrong with them. They are demonstrating immaturity and emotional dysregulation. 

This is just showing you an area where they still need to grow. There’s a gap between where your child is now and where you want them to be. You can guide your kids toward your values through connection and limits (steps 2 & 3 of the Calm Mama Process). 

Narrate the circumstance and validate their feeling. And set a boundary based on your values. It looks like saying, “I understand why you would act that way. It makes sense. And in this family, we show up differently. This is how we expect you to behave”

For example, “I hear that you don’t want to go to school because you didn’t study for your test. I understand the overwhelm and embarrassment you’re feeling. And in this family, that strategy doesn’t work. In this family, we have integrity, and we do the things that are hard. So you’re still going to school, and you’ll do your best on the test.”

My hope is that the process feels simple and like an opportunity to explore within yourself and your family. It doesn’t have to be formal or complicated. It’s more about curiosity. Do it when it feels interesting to you and you have the bandwidth to do it. 

You’ll Learn:

• How my husband responded when I asked him (out of the blue) about his biggest personal value
• How to figure out your family’s core values
• Some of our family values and what they look like in real life
• An example of a simply family value statement

Free Resource:

• Grab the free worksheet: Defining Your Family Values - A step-by-step guide for creating a family value statement to guide you on your parenting journey